My Sick ass is still alive....Still again I tried to use successfully and failed miserably. Got so bad back on the 30th of November, I decided to go back into treatment..Yet again,...was just to sick to make it a day without using.
Checked myself into one of the very well know behavioral health centers near Memphis. Stayed for 28 days....discharged on the 29th day...was filling my veins full of dope on the 30th. I was clean outside of a controlled environment only long enough to ride back to my home town, which is about an hr and a half, sleep for 3 hrs., then hunt dope for 4 hrs. So I made it for a Grand Total of 8hrs & 30 min. Even that is a miracle...It really is.
Found another bottom that I didn't know existed. Thought I had seen em all... I always return to exactly the same place Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally that I left...then pick right back up with the ever progression of DOWN... Nuff said about that....we all know what bottoms feel like. Hopefully this is my last I have to experience. Not gonna say I climbed out of this one...I did not. I had nothing left in me to even want to pull up out of this nosedive.
Grateful to be sitting here with 10 days clean!! But most Grateful for today.. Believe me... any feeling other than hopelessness... is only very recently acquired.
Clean? Guess I've never really have been "clean" ever since I was 13 I was using some kind of drug. Marijuana, benzos, CCCs, opiates ..(which later turned into a downhill spiral of chasing the Devil) I still feel that 10 years later substance abuse controls me. I don't know how I came across your page. But my mind is indeed fucked up. Clean, yeah I consider myself clean off dope. But addiction runs my life, Its sickening and very lonely at times even when people are right here supporting me. I'm probably b rambling. Hope you made it out of that one, it sucks.
ReplyDeleteDam glad you're here!!! I know what ya mean.... it can really suck at times.. in fact for me most of the time!! But thats just where im at with all of this right now.. i do know today for me its alot easier to stay clean than to get clean...but again thats just me....Thank you so much for sharing what you did....and by all means please share more whenever you like!!
ReplyDeleteThanks again and God bless. ..