Yesterday, I had Lunch with probably the only woman I have ever loved in my life .We Met In Memphis Some 10 years ago. I was 4 years clean at the time and just divorced from my wife. Less than a week latter, I had a kidney stone the size of a walnut removed surgically that left me flat on my back (Supposedly) for 6 weeks. But for some reason we were UN-separable. She took care of me and didn't have to. I doubt at the time if I was willing to do the same.
Time passed I healed and being the addict that I am, I latched on this beautiful lady with everything that I had! Fell T-Totally in love with each other. Man what a ride!!! We traveled all over the country with the company i was working for. Never been more happy and content in my entire life.... So much so before I even knew what happened she was my Higher Power. Fun, Fun, Fun, If it feels good we did it. But I did not use....Did not have to..she made me comfortable in my own skin. She was now my HP and My Drug of choice.
With all going "perfect" for me for the first time in my existence on this planet, I was to soon find it necessary to make things even better. ....It started slow.just doing a few a day. I could manage this! With no more need to attend meetings, work my program nor pray to God for help to stay clean...I was back in a desperation that even my new higher power could not help.
As we sat there Yesterday....going over the good, ..She suddenly lost all expression and her eyes were full of brutal truth but also hurt and pain and disappointment "do you remember the day you looked at me and said.....We have decided its time for you to go?"........ of course I had no clue. I only remember begging her not to walk out that door.....for what was then around the 10th time she had. But this was to be the final one
Through the Grace of God I started over that day. I ended up , that time a ward of the state. I was sent to a mental institution because by all standards I was crazy as hell. Soon the docs and psychiatrist, physiologist, counselors labeled me what I always will be. Just simple addict suffering some days and living some days with this disease of addiction.
It has been my experience that some people are put in our lives just for a season. ...They make such an impact on us, we find it hard to believe that they were only meant to be.that....I also find that God does the same thing with this old junkie....Today I know who I am and who has me.
Oh....BTW......We continued to talk till the late afternoon yesterday. And not one time did I want to jump up and tear her cloths off....well, maybe once. We did more than mutually agree that we would be having many more lunch dates to come.................
Clean/jft
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
No Angle Born In Hell Could Break That Satans Spell...But Can You still Teach Me How To Dance Real Slow
Its February 2, in the year 2015....And I'm still alive...Sure as hell didnt see that coming!!! Just like everything else that I assume I have Control over, This to proves to the contrary. God, As only I understand him today, is the operator of this machine.
What a ride!!! The last several months of my life have played out exactly as planned wheather I think so or not. I was sick as hell with this Cirrhosis monster.for the most of the ending months of 2014. In and out of hospitals, New meds, New symptoms, Old symptoms getting worse and basically loosing my mind in the process....I, the addict that I am will forget the misery that this disease caused me. Like thinking...."oh well I'm dying...whats the use??" Bring on those marvelous (see how I can glorify the disease) pharmaceuticals... That change the way I feel." But Somewhere between my first day clean and that moment,, something changed in my thinking, that I, had not even realized. I had fought the fight of my life for the last 3 years...I had prayed to a Higher Power like my life depended on it weather I felt good or bad. I had got off my ass and showed up at meetings when my head was so full of despair and confusion (caused by a condition that goes with cirrhosis of the liver called Hepatic Encephalopathy, the liver starts making ammonia, very toxic to the brain) I was not sure why I was even there. 20 minutes earlier, I was waiting in the drive thru at the bank ordering food. Only through Grace I did make it to a meeting none the less. lived my live a day or even a minute at a time. Took suggestions from you and the doctors. Did what was done in the beginning when I was just as desperate and dying as I was then.........That first day, weeks, months whatever. Between then and that moment as I was saying...contemplating listen to that oh so to familiar voice in my head that will still say to me on cold nights or any given time, as I make my way to my truck to go to the grocery store or wal-mart or a meeting......That tingle runs up my back and electric fire shoots out my finger tips and that feeling.... oh that feeling where I am most comfortable takes me over and the voice speaks "We ain't coming back home tonite...at least not alone" ....... For this addict, dope is but a symptom of my real problem...Thats when I had a choice. Something that in active addiction that i did not have....I chose not to listen to the beast that i call my disease. I was just simply tired of starting my life over every 2 weeks. I refused the drugs....just for that day is all I had to it.....I refused the drugs just for today...is all i have to do to experience what I never had before. I have a life today. I am living with, no longer just dying from the disease of addiction.
I have a Power in me that is just as destructive and equally as deadly to me as my Higher Power is loving and caring and wants only good for me..... The one I give the most attention to is the one who is the main operator of this machine.
Clean JFT
What a ride!!! The last several months of my life have played out exactly as planned wheather I think so or not. I was sick as hell with this Cirrhosis monster.for the most of the ending months of 2014. In and out of hospitals, New meds, New symptoms, Old symptoms getting worse and basically loosing my mind in the process....I, the addict that I am will forget the misery that this disease caused me. Like thinking...."oh well I'm dying...whats the use??" Bring on those marvelous (see how I can glorify the disease) pharmaceuticals... That change the way I feel." But Somewhere between my first day clean and that moment,, something changed in my thinking, that I, had not even realized. I had fought the fight of my life for the last 3 years...I had prayed to a Higher Power like my life depended on it weather I felt good or bad. I had got off my ass and showed up at meetings when my head was so full of despair and confusion (caused by a condition that goes with cirrhosis of the liver called Hepatic Encephalopathy, the liver starts making ammonia, very toxic to the brain) I was not sure why I was even there. 20 minutes earlier, I was waiting in the drive thru at the bank ordering food. Only through Grace I did make it to a meeting none the less. lived my live a day or even a minute at a time. Took suggestions from you and the doctors. Did what was done in the beginning when I was just as desperate and dying as I was then.........That first day, weeks, months whatever. Between then and that moment as I was saying...contemplating listen to that oh so to familiar voice in my head that will still say to me on cold nights or any given time, as I make my way to my truck to go to the grocery store or wal-mart or a meeting......That tingle runs up my back and electric fire shoots out my finger tips and that feeling.... oh that feeling where I am most comfortable takes me over and the voice speaks "We ain't coming back home tonite...at least not alone" ....... For this addict, dope is but a symptom of my real problem...Thats when I had a choice. Something that in active addiction that i did not have....I chose not to listen to the beast that i call my disease. I was just simply tired of starting my life over every 2 weeks. I refused the drugs....just for that day is all I had to it.....I refused the drugs just for today...is all i have to do to experience what I never had before. I have a life today. I am living with, no longer just dying from the disease of addiction.
I have a Power in me that is just as destructive and equally as deadly to me as my Higher Power is loving and caring and wants only good for me..... The one I give the most attention to is the one who is the main operator of this machine.
Clean JFT
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