I do not know why I put off writing. I guess I like to wallow around and obsess about my feelings. Then the compulsion to keep doing it sets in... and I go around and around until I'm spinning out of control. Out of control and alone with my feelings is one of the most dangerous places for me to be.
That is when I have learned that using some tools that I have been given to even the playing field or should I say the battle field, help me get back in the moment. I do not always pick these tools up when I need them. In fact when I'm obsessing and com-pulsing over something, I forget about them.
That is why for me, it is important to have some kind of schedule of doing things for my recovery. When I show up at a scheduled time, the things (Tools) that I have put there are still there. Example. If I pray and meditate at a certain time daily, I know that from 5 to 6 a.m. daily that is where I'll be. Or, if I write in a journal nightly just before going to bed. I will be there nightly. I may write the date and time and nothing else, but I showed up. ..........doing this also puts structure to my life. Plus it builds accountability to myself and recovery.
anyway, back to the writing. When I put my thoughts and feelings down on paper where I can see them., it helps me to see patterns that I have developed. Then I can write about that. Pretty soon that weight starts to lift off of my shoulders, my backache is gone and my sinus actually feel more clear... and I can breath!!! There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we put "us" down on paper.
Clean jft
Monday, December 30, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Every Silver Lining Has a Touch of Grey
For the past 2 months I could count on one thing. The fact that my ex GF would be calling and texting me every hour or so. I try not to take someone elses inventory other than mine, so I will not start doing so now. She is an addict. The only difference between she and I is, I am not using. Enough said about that.
I did answer the phone today when she called. She had called to tell me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had over-dosed and was dead. I have received far to many of those calls.... She had been one of the first to find him. It was her first time of seeing this part of this disease. I know how it feels. So does she.
All of us addicts do not always recover. I've read and heard it said many times, "Some of us will die so that others can live" But it is our choice. Sometime all of this just doesn't make sense...There is one thing that does make sense to me, If I am clean today and If I do tomorrow what I did today, there is a good chance I will stay clean tomorrow. I pray for this addict and his family, that they may find the comfort that is in understanding.
Clean JFT.
I did answer the phone today when she called. She had called to tell me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had over-dosed and was dead. I have received far to many of those calls.... She had been one of the first to find him. It was her first time of seeing this part of this disease. I know how it feels. So does she.
All of us addicts do not always recover. I've read and heard it said many times, "Some of us will die so that others can live" But it is our choice. Sometime all of this just doesn't make sense...There is one thing that does make sense to me, If I am clean today and If I do tomorrow what I did today, there is a good chance I will stay clean tomorrow. I pray for this addict and his family, that they may find the comfort that is in understanding.
Clean JFT.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Just don't feel it today
The holidays are especially difficult for people living with an addiction. Depression
is a common holiday addiction trigger, and people who are trying to
recover may feel a familiar pull to return to old behaviors when the
pressures seem overwhelming. It's important to be aware of what may
trigger an addiction response so that trigger situations can be avoided.
Keep in mind that addictions are behaviors that are out of control and
that an addict cannot control the behavior without help.
Addiction Triggers
For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.
Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.
Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.
How to Cope
Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.
1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.
2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.
3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.
4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.
Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.
Addiction Triggers
For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.
Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.
Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.
How to Cope
Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.
1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.
2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.
3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.
4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.
Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Talking without listen....The sound of silence
Everyone is influenced by someone, and so am I. To not be influenced is
to remain ignorant.Today I do not hinder my thinking, particularly
around spiritual matters, because of pride. I may not like change. I may
find it hard to accept attitudes and opinions that differ
from my own. I know pride keeps me deaf and often stupid. However, the
daily program of a lived spirituality encourages a variety of opinions
and attitudes. I can learn from different customs, lifestyles, and
religions. I can be helped in my understanding of life by the stranger.
I know I do not have all the answers.Today I am trying my best to listen.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Bloodshot Eyes are Gone
"The real problem is in the hearts and minds of humankind." Albert Einstein
I
am facing not so much a "drug problem" as a "people problem," and this
requires a solution that comes from me. I believe my solution and
recovery have already been given by God but must be discovered from
within. I need to seek out what is truly in my mind and heart: What are
my problems, what are my needs, what do I long for, and where am I
going in my life? It is no longer enough for me to know my problems; I
need also talk about them, Today I choose to express my feelings.
God, I thank You for the creative gift of communication.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Talk About Things That Nobody Cares
"Dam.... What model higher power is that?", "model #666"?,,,,..... "lol....When are you ever gona learn"?!!
That was a quote made to me, by my sponsor I had at the time some 10 years ago. It was followed by a hearty .. "Ya know Jerry,...You are going to go oh so far in this program of recovery....... Because you have sooooooooooo far to go!!!!....lol " I had to laugh myself. I had just brought the "next love of my life,... ( a f lamming co-dependent and a super great person) to meet him. Oh my....That was NOT a good choice!
This is just one more of my character defects that I must work on constantly it seems. Especially at times like the present when I am licking my wounds after another failed relationship. I could have sworn I was entirely ready for God to remove this defect a long time ago......I guess not??? I can hear those words of wisdom that were spoken to me long ago loud and clear today. " You need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you go looking for one with someone else"..... "Especially as bad as you run to others i.e. members of the opposite sex,..when you are in pain"!!! What worked at the beginning will work now too!
Thank God for the other addicts just like me!!!
another day clean. JFT
That was a quote made to me, by my sponsor I had at the time some 10 years ago. It was followed by a hearty .. "Ya know Jerry,...You are going to go oh so far in this program of recovery....... Because you have sooooooooooo far to go!!!!....lol " I had to laugh myself. I had just brought the "next love of my life,... ( a f lamming co-dependent and a super great person) to meet him. Oh my....That was NOT a good choice!
This is just one more of my character defects that I must work on constantly it seems. Especially at times like the present when I am licking my wounds after another failed relationship. I could have sworn I was entirely ready for God to remove this defect a long time ago......I guess not??? I can hear those words of wisdom that were spoken to me long ago loud and clear today. " You need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you go looking for one with someone else"..... "Especially as bad as you run to others i.e. members of the opposite sex,..when you are in pain"!!! What worked at the beginning will work now too!
Thank God for the other addicts just like me!!!
another day clean. JFT
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