Meeting Makers...Well, We All Know What They Say About Them...

My very First attempt at recovery and working with a sponsor or listening to anyone other than myself was a place I wanted no part of...lol.  I got a sponsor or a" person I thought I could get to co-sign my bullshit"..Ha..That's another story...Anyway this guy is still in my life today and has been a blessing to say the least. The first thing he told me was to call him every night at 10 pm and every morning at 6a.m. Didn't even mention step work.I had no idea what a step was for. I just wanted them to show me the secret handshake that would make me feel better.

The first suggestion was do not use no matter what ,when my knees knocked kneel, 90 meetings in 90 days. Hell I had learned that in rehab. So off I went "tap dancing" making sure everyone saw me and liked me. Living totally in my twisted mind...lol  At the time here in the mid-south, you may have to drive a lttle but you can make a meeting every other hour starting at 5 am and ending at 3 am, so  By day 45 I had already been to 101 meetings.I made sure everyone new it especially the guy that had suggested me to do it. He would smile and kinda scratch his head and simply ask which meting I was going to next that day/night or tomorrow.  I still remember seeing a number of people i would see at almost every meeting i attended and they had been around for a while...like years!  I remember thinking how odd that seemed at the time..lol   Twisted thinking!!

on day 90 I had went to 164 meetings in 90 days/nights. My sponsor new I was truthful and had attended every single one of them.He was at most of them himself. I remember him telling me there was a meeting at such and such place at 10;00 and that I needed to be there.I would say ok Ill ride with you that's on the other side of the city you can drive I'm tired and hungry we can stop and get a burger on the way.....STOP!! I didn't say that I needed to be there...I said you need to be there.The kids are with Valerie's mom & dad so Val and I are going to enjoy each other relaxing at home....   He had gotten clean in that area and at that time he had 7 yrs clean. all he had to do was ask someone that went to the same meting to verify. The fool i was would be hard to miss.   Great relationships were formed during this and I was introduced to what was soon to became my family.

That night after the meeting My sponsor and his other 2 sponcees and I went to eat pizza. A weekly event we still do. I missed several pizza nights due to my relapses..but no one ever gave up on me.

That night I payed for the pizza and as we were walking out sponsor put his arm across my shoulders and gave me a hug... told me he was proud of me.......But Now I had To Do What I Was Told To Do....He didn't tell me to go to 164 meetings in 90 days.....he Told Me To Go To 90 Meeting In 90 Days.but as he said it was just a suggestion...same as its suggested that you pull the rip cord on your parachute when you jump out of an airplane....He looked me in the eye and said this is about learning how to following directions...directions on how to do something that you do not have a clue on how to do it and if I didn't take directions from him or someone who had been right where I was, That more than likely I would die from this disease.... he told me he would be honored to freely give me directions on how to live my life clean and sober just like it that had been freely given to him.

Ya know...90 in 90 may just be what I need to do again...I know that practicing the willingness to do so will be an opportunity to surrender a little more.

I only need one meeting a week at this point in my recovery.....So I go to seven to make sure I don't miss the one I need!!

Mama Take This Badge From Me

Yesterday, I had Lunch with probably the only woman I have ever loved in my life .We Met In Memphis Some 10 years ago. I was 4 years clean at the time and just divorced from my wife. Less than a week latter, I had a kidney stone the size of a walnut removed surgically that left me flat on my back (Supposedly) for 6 weeks. But for some reason we were UN-separable. She took care of me and didn't have to.  I doubt at the time if I was willing to do the same.

Time passed I healed and being the addict that I am, I latched on this beautiful lady with everything that I had!  Fell T-Totally in love with each other. Man what a ride!!! We traveled all over the country with the company i was working for. Never been more happy and content in my entire life.... So much so before I even knew what happened she was my Higher Power. Fun, Fun, Fun, If it feels good we did it. But I did not use....Did not have to..she made me comfortable in my own skin. She was now my HP and My Drug of choice.

With all going "perfect" for me for the first time in my existence on this planet, I was to soon find it necessary to make things even better. ....It started slow.just doing a few a day. I could manage this!  With no more need to attend meetings, work my program nor pray to God for help to stay clean...I was back in a desperation that even my new higher power could not help.

As we sat there Yesterday....going over the good, ..She suddenly lost all expression and her eyes were full of brutal truth but also hurt and pain and disappointment  "do you remember the day you looked at me and said.....We have decided its time for you to go?"........  of course I had no clue. I only remember begging her not to walk out that door.....for what was then around the 10th time she had. But this was to be the final one

Through the Grace of God I started over that day. I ended up , that time a ward of the state. I was sent to a mental institution because by all standards I was crazy as hell. Soon the docs and psychiatrist, physiologist, counselors labeled me what I always will be. Just simple addict suffering some days and living some days with this disease of addiction.

It has been my experience that some people are put in our lives just for a season. ...They make such an impact on us, we find it hard to believe that they were only meant to be.that....I also find that God does the same thing with this old junkie....Today I know who I am and who has me.

Oh....BTW......We continued to talk till the late afternoon yesterday. And not one time did I want to jump up and tear her cloths off....well, maybe once.    We did more than mutually agree that we would be having many more lunch dates to come.................

Clean/jft  

not much different today. Just questions of why. A lot of work and energy was put in on this, now it seems if it was all for nothing. I guess....just do not know much about anything anymore. So tired of being miserable so tired of fucking up everything that was good in my life. tired of making horrible memories. Really what I had planned was to make great memories. Something needs to change. I know its me.......but i just cant do it for some reason. My intentions were always good and things were going my way and for once it was also the right way, agreeable to all. Black cats everywhere crossing my path...Just wish I had some sort of reassurance any at all would help. Maybe There is none because there is none. how have I wound up here again??? i was born, I had a good childhood, I lost my leg in a farm accident at 15, I overcame that,,,I went on to make a ton of money with a career in construction,,,,I have had some of the most beautiful women in the world love me. I lost everything more than once to drug addiction. I married and was divorced 2 years later but not legally. I have had girlfriends half my age. I have had my heart broken into 10 million tiny pieces to the point of nervous breakdowns.......I have lost everything again and didnt care if I ever had a dime to my name again...I have layed awake for days at a time wondering what to do. I searched my soul to an un- imaginable depth when the only woman I ever loved up to that point left me for a woman while i was in rehab fighting daily for my life, I took drinks and cigarets to a woman that was in a recovery house for women and was there for her through broken hips, broken arms and other injuries she received while trying to learn to walk, I loved her to a point that I did not know existed on the love scale and found out how to love and love for real and to know without a doubt what I want in life from a partner only to take a sleeping pill one night loose my mind and say things about her she trusted me with.  but through all of this I never lost hope.....till now...God help me one more time...you have got to be getting pretty tired of me by now.

But its only Tylenol

This was more dangerous to my health and is what caused my liver damage. My doc says " you have done more damage with this one drug than you did with all the others you abused combined".... and its avaliable without a prescription at every store and corner market in America. And is also in most all drugs that are abused today. ..Just goes to show that anything associated with addiction has a potential hazard.