not much different today. Just questions of why. A lot of work and energy was put in on this, now it seems if it was all for nothing. I guess....just do not know much about anything anymore. So tired of being miserable so tired of fucking up everything that was good in my life. tired of making horrible memories. Really what I had planned was to make great memories. Something needs to change. I know its me.......but i just cant do it for some reason. My intentions were always good and things were going my way and for once it was also the right way, agreeable to all. Black cats everywhere crossing my path...Just wish I had some sort of reassurance any at all would help. Maybe There is none because there is none. how have I wound up here again??? i was born, I had a good childhood, I lost my leg in a farm accident at 15, I overcame that,,,I went on to make a ton of money with a career in construction,,,,I have had some of the most beautiful women in the world love me. I lost everything more than once to drug addiction. I married and was divorced 2 years later but not legally. I have had girlfriends half my age. I have had my heart broken into 10 million tiny pieces to the point of nervous breakdowns.......I have lost everything again and didnt care if I ever had a dime to my name again...I have layed awake for days at a time wondering what to do. I searched my soul to an un- imaginable depth when the only woman I ever loved up to that point left me for a woman while i was in rehab fighting daily for my life, I took drinks and cigarets to a woman that was in a recovery house for women and was there for her through broken hips, broken arms and other injuries she received while trying to learn to walk, I loved her to a point that I did not know existed on the love scale and found out how to love and love for real and to know without a doubt what I want in life from a partner only to take a sleeping pill one night loose my mind and say things about her she trusted me with.  but through all of this I never lost hope.....till now...God help me one more time...you have got to be getting pretty tired of me by now.