There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

I Don't Mind.

"It is not death we should fear, but never beginning to live." - Marcus Aurelius

For years, I did not really live: I simply existed. What many people take for granted I did not have: friends, vacations, job satisfaction, gratitude, family, communication, and love of self. An aspect of my disease was thinking I was happy without any evidence. Indeed, my lifestyle indicated progressive isolation. That is illusion. A recovering alcoholic shared that early in recovery he saw a sunset and remarked, "How long has that been happening?" Like him, I missed so much! Life can be lived or endured-the choice is mine. My spiritual recovery means every day I reach out to life and grasp it, hold it, smell it-and smile.

Send Lawyers Guns and Money.....One more time!!

It looks like another month has finished beating on me....(oh poor me..lol )This little 28 day runt has certainly left some hard healing wounds on me and my soul to say the least.    I have court at 1pm tomorrow for being indicted on 1 count of sale of a schedule III drug..Hydrocodone. Found out that my own home county That I reside in, was also out to get this ole recovering junkie .So there went another 2000 dollars to the bail bondsman to pay my20K bail. But I am very thankful for his service........

3/4/13.... Gonna quit bitching for a minute. Went before the judge today and same thing happened that happen in the other county that I have charges pending. Just appointed me to the  public defender after finding out I was on disability due to being right below knee amputee, hepatitis C and advanced cirrhosis.   Dam I hate this. I don't have a clue whats going to go down with this, I am supposedly on camera selling a hydro to a dirtbag informant. If I know only one ounce of truth about me it is that I have NEVER sold a pill in my entire addiction career!! Buying pills?........ well that's a different story! I can remember buying loads of pills with the intent of selling some several times in the past, but I always wound up using every dam on of em!! LOL!! Just like the good addict that I am....lol,  Any way, So i am definitely staying with the truth. Not worrying bout this to much, I have an appointment at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville on Friday the 8th. I am fortunate enough to have a chance to be placed on the transplant list. My liver doc in Jackson has connections there and after my condition was reviewed by the docs, Hematologist at V'bilt, I was contacted immediately by them to "get to them asap" ! I'm ready, been sick as hell these last few weeks and some days I do feel like I am dying. Just taking it a day at a time.... 

But its only Tylenol

This was more dangerous to my health and is what caused my liver damage. My doc says " you have done more damage with this one drug than you did with all the others you abused combined".... and its avaliable without a prescription at every store and corner market in America. And is also in most all drugs that are abused today. ..Just goes to show that anything associated with addiction has a potential hazard.

Its all up to you but what ever you do Take it easy on me........

Well we rocked on the rest of the week, she called as she was taking her son to school and we would talk till she sat down at her desk 25 minutes later. She would call every second she had free and would make sure she had as many breaks as possible, rushing through her work. Lunch time was spent on the phone, I wanted to know everything that she was and she the same about me. The drive home was the same with the exception the main topic was where we were going to meet for what little time she had. Wednesday came and didnt hear from her till later on in the morning I could tell something was wrong. We were texting now. we met that night and she informed about her situation. Now, This is one of the Rich higher class ladies we all know about and have seen. She explains since her seperation with her husband, she is married still, That she has not had any money to spare. She has to rely on him to pay rent and alot of other things. Oh yea He is still crazy in love with her and wants her back home. He is also inlove with his ex wife, the reason they are seperated and my lady moved out,,,,....She is forced to barely get by and its taking its toll on her. She is faced with the decission to either go back home to man she doesnt love or just not make it.   Enter me..lol   I was suppose to be her saving grace. With the money to help her get out and stay out. Get divorced, something that he will have no part of because he wants her back.  So she is a miserable lady, Absolutely refuses to humble herself and live like she should.  She and I had a great night Friday. Stayed together here alone with no distractions... She said then she was in love with me......Sunday she comes and I introduce her to my family...Monday I am with here all night....Another great one...Tuesday is good till she gets home...has no food....takes her son to his dads.....calls me and is worried because I havnt called......then starts with an attitude of a bitch when I avoid commenting on her money situation.....I offer to buy her groceries so at least they can eat........she said no, sheis no charity case......says i preach and lecture her.....I am telling the truth to her.......dont hear from her for a while and i text her and ask what did i do to make her mad........she says she is not mad, just down.......I offer to listen to her ,,,,,,she says she does not need comforting......I know she needs money. I have none. I want to help. I cant do a dam thing but sit here and watch the one that I have waited for my entire life get away just because of money.....She has to have it to live we all do. If I had it I would give it too her in a second, I think of all the tens of thousands I threw away on dope and gave to strippers.....she has stayed with me as long as love will let her.....now she is forced to get money for her on survival.   I have never been in this situation before. I have no clue what to do I am barely making it. I know she was reling on me to be her rock i do believe that with all i am.....I wonder if anyone knows just how painful and devestating it is to have to watch the most beautiful and attention giving loveable woman i have waited for all my life have to go through this pain. Then walk away and out of my life forever........how much more can i take??  I knew there was a reason I had chose to learn how not to feel........I just wish it would have worked.

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