I Don't Mind.

"It is not death we should fear, but never beginning to live." - Marcus Aurelius

For years, I did not really live: I simply existed. What many people take for granted I did not have: friends, vacations, job satisfaction, gratitude, family, communication, and love of self. An aspect of my disease was thinking I was happy without any evidence. Indeed, my lifestyle indicated progressive isolation. That is illusion. A recovering alcoholic shared that early in recovery he saw a sunset and remarked, "How long has that been happening?" Like him, I missed so much! Life can be lived or endured-the choice is mine. My spiritual recovery means every day I reach out to life and grasp it, hold it, smell it-and smile.

But Something Touched Me Deeeeep Inside..The Day The Music Died.

I do not know why I put off writing. I guess I like to wallow around and obsess about my feelings. Then the compulsion to keep doing it sets in... and I go around and around until I'm spinning out of control. Out of control and alone with my feelings is one of the most dangerous places for me to be.
That is when I have learned that using some tools that I have been given to even the playing field or should I say the battle field, help me get back in the moment. I do not always pick these tools up when I need them. In fact when I'm obsessing and com-pulsing  over something, I forget about them.

That is why for me, it is important to have some kind of schedule of doing things for my recovery. When I show up at a scheduled time, the things (Tools) that I have put there are still there. Example. If I pray and meditate at a certain time daily, I know that from 5 to 6 a.m. daily that is where I'll be. Or, if I write in a journal nightly just before going to bed. I will be there nightly. I may write the date and time and nothing else, but I showed up. ..........doing this also puts structure to my life. Plus it builds accountability to myself and recovery.

anyway, back to the writing. When I put my thoughts and feelings down on paper where I can see them., it helps me to see patterns that I have developed. Then I can write about that. Pretty soon that weight starts to lift off of my shoulders, my backache is gone and my sinus actually feel more clear... and I can breath!!! There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we put "us" down on paper.

Clean jft

Lonesome on the Trail

This too Shall Pass..................and I am dam ready for it to!

I hear a lot in recovery about pain. I have experienced more pain than I ever knew existed while trying to learn how to live life without using dope. I swear it has ripped my soul out more times than I choose to recall. It has also made seek out relief in other means {(that were freely given to me)} than "something outside of myself that would change the way I feel"..............."when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change".........well I know for this struggling addict, that is only clean today because of the grace of God,....will change.             PAIN,  The great motivator.

This too shall pass.   

But its only Tylenol

This was more dangerous to my health and is what caused my liver damage. My doc says " you have done more damage with this one drug than you did with all the others you abused combined".... and its avaliable without a prescription at every store and corner market in America. And is also in most all drugs that are abused today. ..Just goes to show that anything associated with addiction has a potential hazard.

She had been born with a face that would let her get her way, he saw that face and he lost all control..

Live and let live or loose your mind worrying .Just because i think a certain way or choose to live my life a certain way does not mean anyone should follow. In fact you would be a hell of a lot better off if you don't follow me. I might really fuck someone up or more realistically you would fuck you own self up.  This is always a sore subject with me. I would go to meetings all over Memphis in the early 90s and would see some of the same people at each meeting I went to.  I was sick as dog physically and as empty on the inside as a human could possibly get. I was totally bankrupt spiritually and I attended meeting because that's where I got to feeling better. I would calm down listening to others share. There always was one person out of the group that would say something that would help me. Then that same person would be at the next meeting and would do it again on another topic. I got to looking forward to seeing that person at meetings because I knew that I was going to feel better. I had heard it said before not to put others on a pedestal that I was surely setting myself up for a let down. But what was it hurting by me taking what this addict said to heart? Well I found out that when early recovery like I was then that i would latch on to another in ways I should not and not even know I was doing it. It got to be where i looked for this addict to say what I needed to hear for me to stay clean that day or for me just to find a little hope that I wasn't going to die. And by doing this I would not be growing in recovery. I would forget or never know he is sick just like i am and is only another recovering addict. Yes he has many years of clean time and a very good recovery program that he works daily. But he will no doubt have a bad day here
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