Don't think Twice It's Alrght

Well, I haven't written anything for a while.  And It's surely not because I have nothing to write about. Or should I say , Need To Write About!  This writing thing is a huge tool in my program. It has helped get all the crap out of my head and make room for the good or Great stuff that  absolutely surrounds us everywhere. Its just the way we think about things sometimes that make situations seem to be here to stay.

As it is said "The only constant in life is change". Not going to get to deep into that right now nor anytime. Because you can talk and theorize for hours , perhaps even days and you will always come back to the same thing.."The Only Constant In Life Is Change". I had a sponsor once that attempted to show me... A day of someone alert enough to his surroundings and that takes nothing for granted, had the ability to teach this ole foggy sole a lesson that will be with me till I am no more of this earth.  So  Yes...We Do Change. Every addict no matter how bad can change!

Now, I have a lil trash to dump. As most of you know I have Cirrhosis of the Liver. Secondary to HCV which was secondary to blood I received in 1979. I lost my right leg below the knee and dam near lost the left one also. I received tons of blood and blood products (over 100 units in a 4 month stay in ICU) Of course in 79 they didn't screen for Hep c because they had no idea what it was. If you died from it or developed symptoms you were labeled Non A B.  Anyway my symptoms eventually stopped me in my tracks in Nov. 2013. I was treated with triple therapy. That stuff came very very close to killing me. I went septic so bad I only had a slight chance to live....But they didn't have a clue who they were messing with! lol...so In September 2013 I was chosen to receive the new Hep c drugs. Olysio and Salvaldi. I cleared hep c in 12 weeks of therapy. But my liver was crapping out. That stuff is hard on all your organs.

My old diseased liver continued to De-compensate over the next 3 yrs. Man I was sick as a dog every single day! Now here's the kicker or perhaps the blessing in my situation, With Cirrhosis you get NO pain meds at all. My doc lets me take 2 Tylenol twice a day. ...Now back to what I was bitchin about. I am on the transplant list but due to my lengthy I.V. drug abuse I will only get to the top 5 in the nation. And I shouldn't deserve that. Anyway I got to hurting so miserably I went to my local e.r. The immediately flew me to Vanderbilt in Nashville, where I am on list and have all the workups done. After a couple of days they found that the hepC had returned and my liver was super small and very Nodular. Its not regenerating nor making new cells that live longer than a couple hrs. Looked like I was pretty much tits up this time.

I was started on Ribavirn and Harvoni.  This makes me feel worse than ever. And absolute no sleep at night at all. I sleep when I can usually 2 hrs at a time. I am suppose to be on this therapy  for 24 weeks instead of the usual 12. they say its due to my liver not metabolizing enough of the drug to help so I need to be on a longer regimen. 

Thanks for letting me dump all this...I don't have to many people coming around to see me anymore ...Most if not all friends I have live hundreds of miles away.I left home in 1982 and started a career in Heavy Civil Construction. I made friends at the many many jobs at worked at or supervised. Some still keep in touch but I miss the work and the adventures on the road.

Hope you all stay clean no matter what....Things always change...That Light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train no-more!!!  See...I told ya.....Cause someone else told me!!

 

 

"

Why Oh Why Don't You Just Stop !?

I guess that's where "Its a simple program" comes from??  I have no problem stopping...I did it every time I passed out or overdosed or ran out of what ever it was i was doing. My problem was staying stopped.

Why didn't they just sop??How many times has that been said by family, friends, police, judges, misinformed physicians, or under educated professionals? I have heard it from so called LCSW & addictionologist ...Gee, Why did I not think of that???dam...I must surly suffer from some learning disability....

The truth of the matter for me is, Addiction is by all means the most complicated disease to understand.

when I was 14 yrs. old I was cutting hay and was to close to the fence row and a limb knocked me of the tractor and into the mower. A sickle mower. Looks like a giant hedge trimmer. Well it dragged me about 500 yards before finally cutting my right leg off and filleting my left leg to the bone from the knee down. I lay in the hot June heat for over seven hrs before I was found. Never passed out. Infection almost killed me but I was fitted with a prosthesis and was good as could hope to be in that day and time after numerous surgeries and a very long recovery. I lost most of my bodies blood supply and with all the surgeries I received around 45 units of blood during the summer of 1979.  What was not known then was in 1979 blood was not screened as well as it is today.They paid cash for donor blood. Blood which had diseases like Hepatitis C which was totally unknown to the medical profession then. So for 35 years I was being consumed by Hep C virus and had no Idea. Just knew I felt bad most of the time but thought I just needed a more powerful drug. Was seen by many docs and my liver functions were Always elevated. However when they seen the amount of prescribed dope I was getting they had their answer to that..case closed. If they only knew of all the drugs I was buying besides that they would have surly fainted.

In 2006 I went jaundiced. was a yellow as a pumpkin. had a gall bladder full of stones...remove gal bladder and case closed again. They did the surgery laparoscopicry. When the surgeon looked through the scope he said he could see the scaring of my liver from the years of cirrhosis that had turned it into a concrete football.I do have several complications that goes along with cirrhosis and it is no fun. However God has seen fit not to let me go just yet. I'm on the Transplant list and my health although not good...is actually better than most in End Stage Liver Disease.

My point in telling that is all this bad stuff is a walk in the park compared to the fight with the disease of addiction.I've been through a hell that only an addict knows. Just like all of us have. We fight a disease that has no cure and if left untreated will kill us. How do we do it?? A day at a time. And our reward is beyond anything we could ever imagine. My thinking is that we are the chosen ones that have been selected to experience this, why? I do not have a clue. But after going through what you and I have been through and we can look at ourselves in the mirror and be thankful for going through it...is all the evidence I need that a Higher Power is at work in my life and chose the right ones.

I am grateful To be clean and in recovery today.

There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

ONE PILL.......or........TWELVE STEPS ?????? Just Keep It Simple...That Part Is ALREADY Proven

By Jodi Sh. Doff for The Fix

Who needs AA when you've got naltrexone? Anyone with a screaming void in their core that they've filled with alcohol, of course. People have strong feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous--it's that program we love or hate, it's everything or it's nothing. A recent Atlantic article that lauded the drug naltrexone while denigrating 12-step recovery is part of the growing firestorm of anti-Alcoholics Anonymousism.

Naltrexone was developed 20 years ago to treat drug addiction because of the way it competed with opium, heroin, and morphine for the opioid receptors in the brain--those tiny little receptors that can bring you oh-so-much pleasure, or so much pain. Based on the theory that if it could also stop the endorphins released by alcohol from reaching those same opiate receptors, it would reduce your urge to drink and gradually your cravings would subside. You'd learn to control your consumption and be free of your alcoholism, right?

But craving Georgi or Jameson isn't the problem. Stopping is not the problem. And really, even drinking is not the problem. Drinking, as every alcoholic knows, was the solution. Alcohol helped us feel whatever it was we didn't: brave, beautiful, handsome, smart, funny, enough, attractive, older, younger, bigger...better. Even those of us who wound up vomiting it all up on ourselves remembered the part where it made us feel better for a while. When it worked, booze made the pain go away. It made us more of who we wanted to be.

Most alcoholics don't even start thinking about rehab, or detox, or AA until the day comes when they drink and it doesn't work. When that happens, if you're an alcoholic, you'll take another drink, and another, and another because if the booze has really stopped working, it's just you and that overflowing barge of shame and garbage and fear floating around inside you. When the booze stops working, you are left with no way to quell that screaming void in your core. That, my friend, is a problem.

Naltrexone stops the booze from working--it speeds up the inevitable.

You can't take away a person's solution--even one that doesn't work anymore--without offering them something else, some other way to handle whatever the problem was that left booze as the solution. Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't claim to be the only way to stop drinking for everyone, but for millions of alcoholics AA has been that something else that has made the post-booze difference between a life worth living and one that is not. The spiritual aspect of AA--what detractors label religious or cultish--the part that all the finger-pointing always seems to focus on, is not necessarily religion or prayer. Some recovering alcoholics are active in organized religion, attending services at their church, temple, mosque, or synagogue. Others find they're more comfortable with something smaller or more intimate such as private prayer, a regular yoga practice, nature walks, meditation, or music.

It can be as simple as being part of a recovery community--a gathering together with people who are alike in one essential way: they understand what it feels like to need a drink, several drinks, something, anything, to get through, sometimes, something as simple as putting on your makeup. When people of like purpose gather together, they're stronger. That's simply a fact. You see it in the success of everything from cancer support groups and bereavement groups to armies. Recovering alcoholics in AA come together in that place where no matter what our outside circumstances, our inner lives intersect. This is the place in our lives where we need support, we learn to accept someone else's experience and advice, where we come to know for sure that we're not the only one out there struggling with fear, darkness, alcohol, self-loathing or self-doubt.

You'd better believe if we could do it alone, we would. If we could take a pill, or an injection, or slap on a patch and be done with it, we would. What's missing from most medical equations is that "bridge back to life" part those AAers are always going on about. What the alcoholic needs help with more than putting down the drink is living life without the drink. Sans buffer between ourselves and the outside world, and even more so, between ourselves and our inner world. The inability to be in one's own skin is a hallmark of the stories you hear repeated when you listen to alcoholics talk about life without a drink. The drink enabled us to do that, wear our own skin out in the world.

In general, alcoholics haven't a single clue how to just be in a social situation without booze, or pot, or Valium or something; how to be comfortable in their own skin and not drown in self-hate or shame. Alcoholics Anonymous is a set of instructions for how to get through the process, heal, and then pass the knowledge on by helping someone else going through the same thing. Those instructions are best passed on through the community--the fellowship--of recovering alcoholics who have already done the work. More than a century before Bill Wilson met Dr. Bob Smith, before either of them were even born, Native Americans had "sobriety circles" and encouraged recovering alcoholics to come together and get in touch with their ancestral heritage and beliefs. They understood that the alcoholic needs something bigger to believe in to stay sober, and bigger is only defined as bigger than the alcoholic themselves. The "we" part of the equation.

The program of AA as written down in the Big Book was the culmination of centuries of trial and error. There have always been cures and solutions--and what the right answer is depends on who you ask, and when.

oAncient Greeks crafted wine glasses from amethysts believing that the gemstone would keep them from getting drunk. #AncientGreekFail

oInebriate asylums combined forced abstinence with opium, morphine, cocaine, ether, and chloroform to treat alcoholics and addicts in the 1860s. #BetterLivingThruChemistry #Fail

oThe option of pre-frontal lobotomies as a cure began in 1935. Think: Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. #RandallMcMurphyFail

oThe mid-1900s gave birth to Hazelden, the Minnesota Model, and the introduction of barbiturates, amphetamines, and hallucinogenics to treat alcoholism, as well as aversion therapy with Antabuse. The Hazelden model has worked for a lot of people, but better living through the wonders of LSD? #TimothyLearyFail

Designed to take you one step at a time, like babies learning to walk for the first time, each step builds on the one before, to a life worth living. Only the very first of those steps even mentions alcohol. That's where we admit we're screwed, we've fucked it all up, possibly beyond repair and redemption. We know we can't fix it, can't fix ourselves, and quickly, or slowly, we take a second step and begin to believe that someone or something outside of us can fix our crazy.

And then, that giant third step, saying okay to that someone or something. Allowing ourselves a little bit of trust for maybe the first time in years and meaning it, even if hesitantly, we let go of having to engineer every little goddamned thing in the world, in our lives. We stop fighting--we know we've lost the war. Like Chinese handcuffs, the harder we fought, the harder it was to escape, but once we start to loosen our grip, everything around us relaxed. We surrender and we begin to be free.

That freedom is found not in conquering our alcoholism, but in discovering a way to be right-sized in the world, the willingness to be a worker among workers, being neither above nor below anyone--being humble rather than humiliated. Getting comfortable in our own skin is a result of helping others and being of service in the world. Practicing being honest with ourselves and others to the best of our ability. We are reminded constantly--in meetings, by our sponsors, by the literature, and our community--to live in the now, neither obsessing about past mistakes nor living in some imagined future glory or destruction. Being right here, where we are. Look down. See those feet? That's where you are. We reach out to hold someone's hand, and we let them hold ours. Share a laugh, a story, our trepidation, or confusion, over a cup of coffee with someone we just met and feel like we've known forever.

We come together to learn how to be together.

Putting down the drink? Hell, we'd put down that drink every time we passed out. Don't Drink. Go to Meetings. Help Another Alcoholic. Drugs like naltrexone can probably help with the first part of that standard AA chant, but it's also where the help ends. Unless "combined with counseling or interventions like Alcoholics Anonymous," medical treatments only offer short-term crisis intervention for the alcoholic.

With nothing else in his arsenal, the alcoholic will do one of three options: Go right back to drinking; pick up something else; or lose his mind.

Jodi Sh. Doff has written for Bust, Cosmopolitan, xoJane and Penthouse among many other publications. Her last pieces for The Fix were about non-celebrity overdoses, the Hangover Club and powdered booze.

First an Alcoholic Takes a Drink....

First an alcoholic takes a drink,then the drink takes a drink.Then the drink takes an alcoholic.I'm not to concerned with the outcome for social drinkers,they could blow out the candles when drinking.I dont need to become this middle man when the drink is taking a drink,Its like the alcoholic has no power, now alcohol is in control and manifests itself by using the body,like some kind of pipeline.Ok now.Step 2 came to believe that a power greater than this human pipeline can and will restore our sanity

My AA Sponsee Died of an Overdose

By Charlotte Grey, for Substance.com

Six months ago, my sister called to tell me that Kelly had died. My sister calls about three times a year. We've never been close. I figured she needed a place to crash her drunk ass after missing her train back to campus, again. I only answered because it was late and a tiny part of me was nervous that it might be serious.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances to addiction that I have practice at coping with grief. But this time, I got a call about someone I was meant to help.

She was sobbing hysterically on the phone, so the news came out in a high-pitched squeak: "Do you remember Kelly? She overdosed. She died. This morning. Her step-dad found her in her bed."

I did remember Kelly. She was a family friend and my sister's best friend growing up. She was a sweet, quiet girl, standing less than five feet tall, and with these bright blue eyes. Though somewhat shy, she had a warmth that drew people towards her. Also, she was a gifted artist.

It seemed surreal that she was gone.

Sadly, at nearly six years sober, I was used to this kind of thing. After all those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, including dozens of trips across the country, I have a network of literally thousands of people--all marked secretly in my phone with ellipses next to their first names.

This is an incredible resource. Knowing that there are so many people I can call helps me stay sober. But on the darker side, having this many friends and acquaintances who struggle with addiction means I end up at a lot of funerals.

Many people in AA relapse and never make it back. I've lost friends to fatal overdoses, suicide, car accidents, alcohol or drug-related chronic illness, heart-attacks and brain aneurysms.

But that didn't make hearing this news any easier.

There is always sadness and heartbreak. But it was different with Kelly: Two years earlier, she had been my sponsee.

"For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area."

In AA, a sponsor is a mentor who helps take a person (usually of the same gender) with less time sober through the 12 Steps, takes their phone calls, and offers them suggestions when needed. Sponsor-sponsee relationships have been some of the most intimate non-romantic relationships I've ever had. Guiding someone else through recovery is a unique experience that helps me as much as it helps them.

In the four years I've been sponsoring, I've worked with dozens of women--some for a couple of days, others for years. I've had up to four sponsees at any one time.

"It's not your fault," my sister reassured me. "She didn't want to get sober."

Thankfully, I've been in the program long enough to really believe this. I realize I did the best I could--devoting as much attention to Kelly as I did to every other sponsee. "If someone wants the message, you can't say the wrong thing," someone once said at a meeting. "If someone doesn't want the message, you can't say the right thing."

When I first started sponsoring women, I would blame myself if they didn't stay sober. But in time, I've learned that I can't force anyone to get help. "Hitting bottom," as they say in AA, is a personal experience and everyone must arrive there on his or her own timeline. I've seen many of my sponsees relapse, but most return to AA eventually, when they're really ready. Of the ones I've reconnected with now, most have at least a year sober.

Kelly was 19 when she first reached out to me. She had just gotten out of rehab and called my sister, who came to me and asked if I would help her get connected with the recovery community. Of course I agreed. Kelly called me that day and seemed excited that someone she knew was also in recovery.

She called me daily to check in and loved going to meetings, but I could see she wasn't quite ready to let go of her old lifestyle. Though she didn't drink or use drugs, she continued to go out partying with her old friends. She identified as an alcoholic, but she had one foot out the door.

When I think back on those first few months with Kelly I'm reminded of my own early sobriety. When I started attending meetings, I felt lost in a sea of new faces. I remember how anxious and uncertain I was. At my first ever meeting, I happened to run into a childhood friend--a chance encounter that was crucial in helping me feel safe at meetings. I asked her questions that seemed stupid to me at the time, like what is a sponsor? She was patient, answered my questions and made me feel at home. I had tried to do the same for Kelly.

But I had the willingness to stay sober and remain so until now. Kelly did not. I'll never know why.

"Charlotte, I don't know what I'd do if that was you," my sister blubbered over the phone, "Thank God you're sober!"

For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area. My close friend relapsed and died from the same laced batch weeks before Kelly got her hands on it. Both deaths were complete accidents. I constantly hear in meetings that even one relapse could lead to death. It seemed over-dramatic when I was newly sober. Now I've experienced enough loss to know it's true.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living.

The day I found out Kelly died, I didn't tell my employers why I needed a last-minute personal day. They may have already noticed that I attended a higher-than-average number of wakes, but I had never told them about my recovery.

Having lost so many friends and acquaintances in AA, I had my grieving down to a science: It involved a lot of crying. I cried to friends on the phone and in meetings. As an old-timer once told me: "The only way out is through" (in other words, you have to feel your feelings, no matter how painful).

When I felt lonely, I left my apartment and completed even basic routines, like shopping or doing laundry, in the company of a friend. I kept going to meetings and doing my 12-step work--answering calls from sponsees and showing up to meet with them.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living. I have to push through the discomfort and pain in this way, in order to preserve my sanity.

I travelled to Kelly's home town in New Jersey for the wake. I didn't plan to tell her family she had been in AA because one of the traditions in the program is anonymity. If Kelly's family didn't already know about her attempt at recovery, she might not have wanted them to.

I hadn't seen the family since my childhood, so I didn't expect them to remember me. But as I waited in line to view her body, Kelly's twin sister, Anna, and her mother and stepfather recognized me instantly. I could tell right away that they knew.

Breaking from the stiff formality of the occasion, they all hugged me in unison, thanked me through their tears, and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.

Anna and her mother told me stories about Kelly, and how she would talk constantly about AA. She was excited about recovery, and having me as her sponsor. For the time she was going to meetings and working the Steps, they said she seemed noticeably lighter and more peaceful.

I was floored, and overcome with gratitude to hear that our work had made an impact on her life.

I see every day how much sponsorship can help a person who stays sober. My first sponsee, Maria, and I started working together when she had just a few days sober, and was full of fear. Because of our similar histories, I was able to help her accept her painful past. She told me things she'd never told anyone--about childhood trauma, abusive relationships, cheating and psychiatric illness. I let her know that she wasn't alone. Though we no longer work together, she now has four years sober and we still talk on the phone sometimes. I can hear in her voice how much she's changed.

After talking to Kelly's family, I realized that sponsorship can also make a deep impact on someone who doesn't stay sober. Working with Kelly didn't save her life--but for a few months, it might have offered her hope.

Not everyone I reach out to will stay sober, and some might never come back. But the moment with Kelly's family at her wake renewed my determination to keep being there, as much as I can, for anyone who asks for my help.

I've Seen The Bright Lights of Memphis and The Comador Hotel

All that I ever wanted, after keeping recovery first in my life, was/is a healthy relationship. Someone to love and someone to love me back. What is so dam wrong with that!!!??  I can count on one hand the serious relationships I have had in my life. I only need one finger however to count the one that means something so special to me, that a day very seldom goes by without something happening that reminds me of it . The one that WAY to many special memories were made to ever forget about. I just do not know why it does not work....This last time we went 3 years without seeing , speaking to each other. I would ask others that she worked with or were friends of hers, how she was doing and she would do the same with people that new me and my daughter which still speak to each other pretty often.

The minute we saw each other this time, It was on again. We talked to each other everyday and shared that this time we were going to go slow....Actually date again and go from there. We went out only on the weekends. And talked and laugh on the phone every day and night. Told each other we loved each other every time we talked. It felt really good..her words, eyes and smile said the same....I have no clue now what will be.....but I have a pretty good idea looking at our history.

She knows all about my Cirrhosis and knows how that shit has beat the hell out of me. And is not finished with me yet. I am worried and afraid of what is to come with this horrible shit!! That was the first thing she said when we saw each other this time. That if I ever need to talk she was a phone call a way.

I'm not going to lie......This shook the hell out of me at a time when I do not need shaking!!!!!!!Stll do not know why life is like it is.......there should be a better balance .. I have had enough of sickness, addiction, fucked up people, being unemployable and especially this gone to shit attitude I have !!!!  All I Wanted Was a Healthy Relationship.  ..................To Love Someone And Be There For them To Lean On,.....and To Be Loved and Have Someone There for Me To Lean On .......I have been around enough , I have met hundreds of very fine, good people and have made friendships that are priceless......Plus my share of sons of bitches, gold diggers, whores, racketeers, thieves and cons......... So I am Scheduled to be 50 yrs old on July 22, 2014........I learned the hard way and I did find the one I wanted to go through time with.....However ,God has other plans. 

I am clean and sober and for the rest of this day I am not going to drink or use. When the morning comes and I do what I did today, There is a dam good chance I won't find it necessary to drink or use tomorrow.


Be careful with relationships in recovery. Get a Sponsor and let him guide you ..........this is with no doubt the hardest thing to deal with since being in recovery.........Please listen to someone.

clean/jft

You Have sent the maid home early Like a thousand times before

Well , I have not written here in quiet a while. Its not that nothing has been happening in my life, I just have not written even though I have had plenty to write about. I'm just going through a super lazy spell .....I wish that was it.  I have developed insomnia in a way that I have never known. Although I consider it dam near crippling at times, My Hematologist suggest that its perfectly normal. To not worry about it. And to not drive...lol  what??

With Cirrhosis of the liver, there is a disorder, Heptic Encephalopathy. Its one of the components that result from Portal Vein Hypertension..........Oh  nuff about these medical terms. In other words It makes you extreamly sleepy !  I pass out more or less, then, when I awake at 11:pm, ready to go to sleep..IT is Impossible! I have a pretty good routine now after several months of this happening over and over. I sit up all night. Lay down at 5;00 am. Up at 6;30 am.  Then I nod all dam day and probally accumalate another 2 to 3 hours sleep. Then it starts all over again. .So I just haven't felt like writing.  Plus my ex and I are working very hard on trying to rebuild our relationship.  At least when I'm awake lol !!!

She called about 3 weeks ago and wanted to know everything that was going on with me. Said she wanted to let me know that she was there for me anytime...I have no idea why this one woman has the power to break my heart into a million tiny pieces and I still will love her with every single little piece till she puts me back together. We tried this once before and had no luck. She said she had no idea how to explain to others what we have. It cant be told with words and I agree with her. We definitely have something that draws us back together. All he have to do is make eye contact. Both of our minds and hearts were ready to do this again. This is so dam crazy!!!!  I just don't know so this is turned over to God...I simply can not come up with anything on what the next step should be...Let him handle the results...

As You Step out Into The Night....Take a Lesson From the Trees...watch How They Learn to Bend With Each Breeze......Little Victories

I sure wish I had known I was going to live this long....Because I would have sure taken much better care of myself.

Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course.  Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.

Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,,  lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction  was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.

I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.

When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!!  YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house,  more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!

I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.

But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol

I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One  day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn.  That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or  An amputated Leg.

I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa,  and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.

I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time.   The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........


clean jft

For 3 Stange Days

I'm still here and still CLEAN!!  Have had a bunch of test and procedures done. If I didn't know better I would swear this bunch of  med professionals are trying their best to save my life..lol  Dam good bunch that's for sure.

My liver has reached a point of leveling off. It seems the cirrhosis has stopped or my liver started working a little more. I have been sick like I had no idea a human could get. My enzymes are still off the chart but functions show that my liver is doing what it's suppose to just in a very mi-nute way. I'll take it though.

I have not found it necessary to use through all of this and that is Gods doing for sure. I always do come through the hardest time without even thinking about using. Its those everyday "life on life's terms" situations that will put me back out there in a second if I'm not spiritually fit. So I'm still doing what I did in the beginning...and it works just as it did back  then.

clean jft

traveling down the road trying to loosen my load , got a world of trouble on my mind

Well this little 28 day month is almost over. What a month!  Not much has changed ...been pretty much sick this entire month. My meeting attendence has fallen to 0. I do go to online meetings dayly. They do help, but not like a face to face. I am greatful for them just the same.

I am waiting on my latest test results and getting very anxious and depressed all at the same time. I had to go for MRI for further labs due to my latest results had indicated tumor markers and other changes that suggested liver cancer. I should know any time and I am ready!!! all this waiting is driving me crazy!!
They do take their time so I cant even rest in the thoughts that "no news is good news" lol  but they are very through and the results will be spot on. Have never heard a maybe or a might from them yet.

So far I haven't found it necessary to use,..that is a miracle in itself. I do alot of reading and praying, basically the same things I did in the beginning of my recovery.      A lot of acceptance, surrender and even humbling myself and putting recovery first just for today, is what is working for me. Thank God something stuck!!!

clean jft   

All we have to fear is fear itself....FEAR???.... Fear This!!

Hav'nt been writting. Havn't been doing much of anything recovery related, with the exception of alot of praying....

I've been wrestling with this fear thing. You know,.. Face Everything And Recover,.. Fuck Everything And Run....and my favorite,.. Fighting Egotistically Against Reality. I ain't been winning either. Not even close!

Fear is what kept me out there for so many years.. I thought I had pushed it so far down that I would not have to worry about it EVER... Nor would I have to confront it or deal with that irrational thinking it possess once I started recovery.   I was confident that once I started doing what I should have been doing,. It would magically leave or just not be a problem.. Wrong. I was driven by thousands of forms of fear. And although many and I do mean many have dissipated to some degree, I have so many more to deal with. ...I am not exhuming things that are better left alone...Can't bury them deep enough anyway it seems.

 I could write for days about this..and maybe I should?? This is not phobia's,,..then again, Fear of Fear itself is just that.. a phobia. I can get real discombobulated real fast....lol.

I would like to get a discussion started right here, on this blog about fear and what it is, was, doing to you, done to you etc. etc. I need Help with this...Its very apparent to me. Have talked with others in recovery, have brought it up in meetings...The suggestions I hear tell me I have to deal with it..or I will use it as an excuse to do other things..that come way to easy to me.

Your comments are so welcome!!

Clean  jft

But Something Touched Me Deeeeep Inside..The Day The Music Died.

I do not know why I put off writing. I guess I like to wallow around and obsess about my feelings. Then the compulsion to keep doing it sets in... and I go around and around until I'm spinning out of control. Out of control and alone with my feelings is one of the most dangerous places for me to be.
That is when I have learned that using some tools that I have been given to even the playing field or should I say the battle field, help me get back in the moment. I do not always pick these tools up when I need them. In fact when I'm obsessing and com-pulsing  over something, I forget about them.

That is why for me, it is important to have some kind of schedule of doing things for my recovery. When I show up at a scheduled time, the things (Tools) that I have put there are still there. Example. If I pray and meditate at a certain time daily, I know that from 5 to 6 a.m. daily that is where I'll be. Or, if I write in a journal nightly just before going to bed. I will be there nightly. I may write the date and time and nothing else, but I showed up. ..........doing this also puts structure to my life. Plus it builds accountability to myself and recovery.

anyway, back to the writing. When I put my thoughts and feelings down on paper where I can see them., it helps me to see patterns that I have developed. Then I can write about that. Pretty soon that weight starts to lift off of my shoulders, my backache is gone and my sinus actually feel more clear... and I can breath!!! There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we put "us" down on paper.

Clean jft

Every Silver Lining Has a Touch of Grey

For the past 2 months I could count on one thing. The fact that my ex GF would be calling and texting me every hour or so. I try not to take someone elses  inventory other than mine, so I will not start doing so now. She is an addict. The only difference between she and I is, I am not using. Enough said about that.
I did answer the phone today when she called. She had called to tell me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had over-dosed and was dead. I have received far to many of those calls.... She had been one of the first to find him. It was her first time of seeing this part of this disease. I know how it feels. So does she.

All of us addicts do not always recover. I've read and heard it said many times, "Some of us will die so that others can live" But it is our choice. Sometime all of this just doesn't make sense...There is one thing that does make sense to me, If I am clean today and If I do tomorrow what I did today, there is a good chance I will stay clean tomorrow. I pray for this addict and his family, that they may find the comfort that is in understanding.

Clean JFT.

Just don't feel it today

The holidays are especially difficult for people living with an addiction. Depression is a common holiday addiction trigger, and people who are trying to recover may feel a familiar pull to return to old behaviors when the pressures seem overwhelming. It's important to be aware of what may trigger an addiction response so that trigger situations can be avoided. Keep in mind that addictions are behaviors that are out of control and that an addict cannot control the behavior without help.

Addiction Triggers

For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.

Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.

Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.

How to Cope

Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.

1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.

2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.

3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.

4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.

Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.

Boy You're Gonna Carry That Weight a long Time

I wonder if I will ever learn that I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!  I have spent the past few days in a very familiar place that for some reason, I seem to find much to often in my sick ass life!  Don't know if my heart is broken in a million pieces or I just do not know what to do ?????   If I knew that shooting my veins full of dope would somehow take away the pain I would definitely not be here. Dope quit being my friend some time ago and I miss it as much as I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. IT don't work no more!!! The only thing I had that I could turn to in these troubled times was just as big a fake and lair as IT had changed MY VERY self into.

Now I sat and wonder ( Which is absolutely the worst thing I could ever do) with this sick brain of mine. I had faith at one point in my recovery.........its just as hard to get out of my own way and capture it again.
Maybe I'll start with hope. This little miniscule amount I still do have, perhaps just may grow into that illusive faith I want so bad and wish to possess again..

Clean and dope free one more day!!

I am still living with your ghost!!

I am as sick as I can ever remember... This ole tore up liver is letting me know how bad I treated it and he is pissed off big time!!! Thank God above and some GREAT physicians that treated a sick man... Not a low life addict.. So many times in the past I would go to doctors and tell them something is wrong with me I just know it...After a little history was taken and The words RECOVERING ADDICT came out....well, my time was done and so was his, hers...But I had a Diagnosis .....I felt so bad and my belly was swollen the size of a nice watermelon..and oh yea even that jaundice and yellow eyes could be explained sometimes!!   It is the disease of addiction or better known around here as,,,,a Damn ole dope head... I am very lucky indeed to even be considered for the transplant list......so many others will never get that chance..... And I'll be in Nashville Tn. at Vanderbilt medical center First thing Monday morning!!!!

My liver has started making ammonia. This causes me to be crazier and more confused than normal...Its just one of the things that suck with a failing liver. I am starting to tolerate it much better than 6 months ago and Now I can't even hide behind ......lol  I'm crazy as hell naturally LOL!!!

Send Lawyers Guns and Money.....One more time!!

It looks like another month has finished beating on me....(oh poor me..lol )This little 28 day runt has certainly left some hard healing wounds on me and my soul to say the least.    I have court at 1pm tomorrow for being indicted on 1 count of sale of a schedule III drug..Hydrocodone. Found out that my own home county That I reside in, was also out to get this ole recovering junkie .So there went another 2000 dollars to the bail bondsman to pay my20K bail. But I am very thankful for his service........

3/4/13.... Gonna quit bitching for a minute. Went before the judge today and same thing happened that happen in the other county that I have charges pending. Just appointed me to the  public defender after finding out I was on disability due to being right below knee amputee, hepatitis C and advanced cirrhosis.   Dam I hate this. I don't have a clue whats going to go down with this, I am supposedly on camera selling a hydro to a dirtbag informant. If I know only one ounce of truth about me it is that I have NEVER sold a pill in my entire addiction career!! Buying pills?........ well that's a different story! I can remember buying loads of pills with the intent of selling some several times in the past, but I always wound up using every dam on of em!! LOL!! Just like the good addict that I am....lol,  Any way, So i am definitely staying with the truth. Not worrying bout this to much, I have an appointment at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville on Friday the 8th. I am fortunate enough to have a chance to be placed on the transplant list. My liver doc in Jackson has connections there and after my condition was reviewed by the docs, Hematologist at V'bilt, I was contacted immediately by them to "get to them asap" ! I'm ready, been sick as hell these last few weeks and some days I do feel like I am dying. Just taking it a day at a time.... 

All that you are feeling right now is silly human pride

Boy I have thoroughly beat the hell out of myself today. Been busy in my head and haven't done a dam thing but eat to much junk food and now I feel horrible. Every one I talked to or tried to talk to today was in the same boat as me. Oh and that fueled the twisters between my ears to get busy!!  I'm tied up in a hundred knots. mad as hell for allowing myself to get sucked in this nothingness yet again.  I would get tree top high if I thought it would help. Been here to many times and tried that to many times before. I cant find one reason not to use, so I'm not going to anyway. Maybe it'll piss this disease off. I would really like that alot!! 
Have thought about ways to make some money. Mine is pretty much depleted, so i really need for that to be my priority. Jobs here are all but non existent. I really want to stay here since i met her though. Plus the main reason I came back here was to be near my daughter and grand daughters and even the son-in-law,,,, well.. There is just not any dirt being moved around here. I am open to a career change and I need to really start looking hard at that......Man it is a bitch starting your life from scratch at the age of 47. Hell I had a lot better plan and hold on my future when I was 17 right out of high school than I do now.. I'm just gonna keep showing up for life everyday, do what is put in front of me to do and keep asking God to show me what I am suppose to do.... I wish I was just a little more confident in all this... Got to have faith... those words are so easy to tell someone else. Now I'm telling myself.
I really need to see my girl friend tonight. ...and she just called and needs to see me....that worked perfect!!  and I didnt have a hand in it anywhere. lol

Its all up to you but what ever you do Take it easy on me........

Well we rocked on the rest of the week, she called as she was taking her son to school and we would talk till she sat down at her desk 25 minutes later. She would call every second she had free and would make sure she had as many breaks as possible, rushing through her work. Lunch time was spent on the phone, I wanted to know everything that she was and she the same about me. The drive home was the same with the exception the main topic was where we were going to meet for what little time she had. Wednesday came and didnt hear from her till later on in the morning I could tell something was wrong. We were texting now. we met that night and she informed about her situation. Now, This is one of the Rich higher class ladies we all know about and have seen. She explains since her seperation with her husband, she is married still, That she has not had any money to spare. She has to rely on him to pay rent and alot of other things. Oh yea He is still crazy in love with her and wants her back home. He is also inlove with his ex wife, the reason they are seperated and my lady moved out,,,,....She is forced to barely get by and its taking its toll on her. She is faced with the decission to either go back home to man she doesnt love or just not make it.   Enter me..lol   I was suppose to be her saving grace. With the money to help her get out and stay out. Get divorced, something that he will have no part of because he wants her back.  So she is a miserable lady, Absolutely refuses to humble herself and live like she should.  She and I had a great night Friday. Stayed together here alone with no distractions... She said then she was in love with me......Sunday she comes and I introduce her to my family...Monday I am with here all night....Another great one...Tuesday is good till she gets home...has no food....takes her son to his dads.....calls me and is worried because I havnt called......then starts with an attitude of a bitch when I avoid commenting on her money situation.....I offer to buy her groceries so at least they can eat........she said no, sheis no charity case......says i preach and lecture her.....I am telling the truth to her.......dont hear from her for a while and i text her and ask what did i do to make her mad........she says she is not mad, just down.......I offer to listen to her ,,,,,,she says she does not need comforting......I know she needs money. I have none. I want to help. I cant do a dam thing but sit here and watch the one that I have waited for my entire life get away just because of money.....She has to have it to live we all do. If I had it I would give it too her in a second, I think of all the tens of thousands I threw away on dope and gave to strippers.....she has stayed with me as long as love will let her.....now she is forced to get money for her on survival.   I have never been in this situation before. I have no clue what to do I am barely making it. I know she was reling on me to be her rock i do believe that with all i am.....I wonder if anyone knows just how painful and devestating it is to have to watch the most beautiful and attention giving loveable woman i have waited for all my life have to go through this pain. Then walk away and out of my life forever........how much more can i take??  I knew there was a reason I had chose to learn how not to feel........I just wish it would have worked.

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