Don't think Twice It's Alrght

Well, I haven't written anything for a while.  And It's surely not because I have nothing to write about. Or should I say , Need To Write About!  This writing thing is a huge tool in my program. It has helped get all the crap out of my head and make room for the good or Great stuff that  absolutely surrounds us everywhere. Its just the way we think about things sometimes that make situations seem to be here to stay.

As it is said "The only constant in life is change". Not going to get to deep into that right now nor anytime. Because you can talk and theorize for hours , perhaps even days and you will always come back to the same thing.."The Only Constant In Life Is Change". I had a sponsor once that attempted to show me... A day of someone alert enough to his surroundings and that takes nothing for granted, had the ability to teach this ole foggy sole a lesson that will be with me till I am no more of this earth.  So  Yes...We Do Change. Every addict no matter how bad can change!

Now, I have a lil trash to dump. As most of you know I have Cirrhosis of the Liver. Secondary to HCV which was secondary to blood I received in 1979. I lost my right leg below the knee and dam near lost the left one also. I received tons of blood and blood products (over 100 units in a 4 month stay in ICU) Of course in 79 they didn't screen for Hep c because they had no idea what it was. If you died from it or developed symptoms you were labeled Non A B.  Anyway my symptoms eventually stopped me in my tracks in Nov. 2013. I was treated with triple therapy. That stuff came very very close to killing me. I went septic so bad I only had a slight chance to live....But they didn't have a clue who they were messing with! lol...so In September 2013 I was chosen to receive the new Hep c drugs. Olysio and Salvaldi. I cleared hep c in 12 weeks of therapy. But my liver was crapping out. That stuff is hard on all your organs.

My old diseased liver continued to De-compensate over the next 3 yrs. Man I was sick as a dog every single day! Now here's the kicker or perhaps the blessing in my situation, With Cirrhosis you get NO pain meds at all. My doc lets me take 2 Tylenol twice a day. ...Now back to what I was bitchin about. I am on the transplant list but due to my lengthy I.V. drug abuse I will only get to the top 5 in the nation. And I shouldn't deserve that. Anyway I got to hurting so miserably I went to my local e.r. The immediately flew me to Vanderbilt in Nashville, where I am on list and have all the workups done. After a couple of days they found that the hepC had returned and my liver was super small and very Nodular. Its not regenerating nor making new cells that live longer than a couple hrs. Looked like I was pretty much tits up this time.

I was started on Ribavirn and Harvoni.  This makes me feel worse than ever. And absolute no sleep at night at all. I sleep when I can usually 2 hrs at a time. I am suppose to be on this therapy  for 24 weeks instead of the usual 12. they say its due to my liver not metabolizing enough of the drug to help so I need to be on a longer regimen. 

Thanks for letting me dump all this...I don't have to many people coming around to see me anymore ...Most if not all friends I have live hundreds of miles away.I left home in 1982 and started a career in Heavy Civil Construction. I made friends at the many many jobs at worked at or supervised. Some still keep in touch but I miss the work and the adventures on the road.

Hope you all stay clean no matter what....Things always change...That Light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train no-more!!!  See...I told ya.....Cause someone else told me!!

 

 

"

There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

ONE PILL.......or........TWELVE STEPS ?????? Just Keep It Simple...That Part Is ALREADY Proven

By Jodi Sh. Doff for The Fix

Who needs AA when you've got naltrexone? Anyone with a screaming void in their core that they've filled with alcohol, of course. People have strong feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous--it's that program we love or hate, it's everything or it's nothing. A recent Atlantic article that lauded the drug naltrexone while denigrating 12-step recovery is part of the growing firestorm of anti-Alcoholics Anonymousism.

Naltrexone was developed 20 years ago to treat drug addiction because of the way it competed with opium, heroin, and morphine for the opioid receptors in the brain--those tiny little receptors that can bring you oh-so-much pleasure, or so much pain. Based on the theory that if it could also stop the endorphins released by alcohol from reaching those same opiate receptors, it would reduce your urge to drink and gradually your cravings would subside. You'd learn to control your consumption and be free of your alcoholism, right?

But craving Georgi or Jameson isn't the problem. Stopping is not the problem. And really, even drinking is not the problem. Drinking, as every alcoholic knows, was the solution. Alcohol helped us feel whatever it was we didn't: brave, beautiful, handsome, smart, funny, enough, attractive, older, younger, bigger...better. Even those of us who wound up vomiting it all up on ourselves remembered the part where it made us feel better for a while. When it worked, booze made the pain go away. It made us more of who we wanted to be.

Most alcoholics don't even start thinking about rehab, or detox, or AA until the day comes when they drink and it doesn't work. When that happens, if you're an alcoholic, you'll take another drink, and another, and another because if the booze has really stopped working, it's just you and that overflowing barge of shame and garbage and fear floating around inside you. When the booze stops working, you are left with no way to quell that screaming void in your core. That, my friend, is a problem.

Naltrexone stops the booze from working--it speeds up the inevitable.

You can't take away a person's solution--even one that doesn't work anymore--without offering them something else, some other way to handle whatever the problem was that left booze as the solution. Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't claim to be the only way to stop drinking for everyone, but for millions of alcoholics AA has been that something else that has made the post-booze difference between a life worth living and one that is not. The spiritual aspect of AA--what detractors label religious or cultish--the part that all the finger-pointing always seems to focus on, is not necessarily religion or prayer. Some recovering alcoholics are active in organized religion, attending services at their church, temple, mosque, or synagogue. Others find they're more comfortable with something smaller or more intimate such as private prayer, a regular yoga practice, nature walks, meditation, or music.

It can be as simple as being part of a recovery community--a gathering together with people who are alike in one essential way: they understand what it feels like to need a drink, several drinks, something, anything, to get through, sometimes, something as simple as putting on your makeup. When people of like purpose gather together, they're stronger. That's simply a fact. You see it in the success of everything from cancer support groups and bereavement groups to armies. Recovering alcoholics in AA come together in that place where no matter what our outside circumstances, our inner lives intersect. This is the place in our lives where we need support, we learn to accept someone else's experience and advice, where we come to know for sure that we're not the only one out there struggling with fear, darkness, alcohol, self-loathing or self-doubt.

You'd better believe if we could do it alone, we would. If we could take a pill, or an injection, or slap on a patch and be done with it, we would. What's missing from most medical equations is that "bridge back to life" part those AAers are always going on about. What the alcoholic needs help with more than putting down the drink is living life without the drink. Sans buffer between ourselves and the outside world, and even more so, between ourselves and our inner world. The inability to be in one's own skin is a hallmark of the stories you hear repeated when you listen to alcoholics talk about life without a drink. The drink enabled us to do that, wear our own skin out in the world.

In general, alcoholics haven't a single clue how to just be in a social situation without booze, or pot, or Valium or something; how to be comfortable in their own skin and not drown in self-hate or shame. Alcoholics Anonymous is a set of instructions for how to get through the process, heal, and then pass the knowledge on by helping someone else going through the same thing. Those instructions are best passed on through the community--the fellowship--of recovering alcoholics who have already done the work. More than a century before Bill Wilson met Dr. Bob Smith, before either of them were even born, Native Americans had "sobriety circles" and encouraged recovering alcoholics to come together and get in touch with their ancestral heritage and beliefs. They understood that the alcoholic needs something bigger to believe in to stay sober, and bigger is only defined as bigger than the alcoholic themselves. The "we" part of the equation.

The program of AA as written down in the Big Book was the culmination of centuries of trial and error. There have always been cures and solutions--and what the right answer is depends on who you ask, and when.

oAncient Greeks crafted wine glasses from amethysts believing that the gemstone would keep them from getting drunk. #AncientGreekFail

oInebriate asylums combined forced abstinence with opium, morphine, cocaine, ether, and chloroform to treat alcoholics and addicts in the 1860s. #BetterLivingThruChemistry #Fail

oThe option of pre-frontal lobotomies as a cure began in 1935. Think: Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. #RandallMcMurphyFail

oThe mid-1900s gave birth to Hazelden, the Minnesota Model, and the introduction of barbiturates, amphetamines, and hallucinogenics to treat alcoholism, as well as aversion therapy with Antabuse. The Hazelden model has worked for a lot of people, but better living through the wonders of LSD? #TimothyLearyFail

Designed to take you one step at a time, like babies learning to walk for the first time, each step builds on the one before, to a life worth living. Only the very first of those steps even mentions alcohol. That's where we admit we're screwed, we've fucked it all up, possibly beyond repair and redemption. We know we can't fix it, can't fix ourselves, and quickly, or slowly, we take a second step and begin to believe that someone or something outside of us can fix our crazy.

And then, that giant third step, saying okay to that someone or something. Allowing ourselves a little bit of trust for maybe the first time in years and meaning it, even if hesitantly, we let go of having to engineer every little goddamned thing in the world, in our lives. We stop fighting--we know we've lost the war. Like Chinese handcuffs, the harder we fought, the harder it was to escape, but once we start to loosen our grip, everything around us relaxed. We surrender and we begin to be free.

That freedom is found not in conquering our alcoholism, but in discovering a way to be right-sized in the world, the willingness to be a worker among workers, being neither above nor below anyone--being humble rather than humiliated. Getting comfortable in our own skin is a result of helping others and being of service in the world. Practicing being honest with ourselves and others to the best of our ability. We are reminded constantly--in meetings, by our sponsors, by the literature, and our community--to live in the now, neither obsessing about past mistakes nor living in some imagined future glory or destruction. Being right here, where we are. Look down. See those feet? That's where you are. We reach out to hold someone's hand, and we let them hold ours. Share a laugh, a story, our trepidation, or confusion, over a cup of coffee with someone we just met and feel like we've known forever.

We come together to learn how to be together.

Putting down the drink? Hell, we'd put down that drink every time we passed out. Don't Drink. Go to Meetings. Help Another Alcoholic. Drugs like naltrexone can probably help with the first part of that standard AA chant, but it's also where the help ends. Unless "combined with counseling or interventions like Alcoholics Anonymous," medical treatments only offer short-term crisis intervention for the alcoholic.

With nothing else in his arsenal, the alcoholic will do one of three options: Go right back to drinking; pick up something else; or lose his mind.

Jodi Sh. Doff has written for Bust, Cosmopolitan, xoJane and Penthouse among many other publications. Her last pieces for The Fix were about non-celebrity overdoses, the Hangover Club and powdered booze.

Mama Take This Badge From Me

Yesterday, I had Lunch with probably the only woman I have ever loved in my life .We Met In Memphis Some 10 years ago. I was 4 years clean at the time and just divorced from my wife. Less than a week latter, I had a kidney stone the size of a walnut removed surgically that left me flat on my back (Supposedly) for 6 weeks. But for some reason we were UN-separable. She took care of me and didn't have to.  I doubt at the time if I was willing to do the same.

Time passed I healed and being the addict that I am, I latched on this beautiful lady with everything that I had!  Fell T-Totally in love with each other. Man what a ride!!! We traveled all over the country with the company i was working for. Never been more happy and content in my entire life.... So much so before I even knew what happened she was my Higher Power. Fun, Fun, Fun, If it feels good we did it. But I did not use....Did not have to..she made me comfortable in my own skin. She was now my HP and My Drug of choice.

With all going "perfect" for me for the first time in my existence on this planet, I was to soon find it necessary to make things even better. ....It started slow.just doing a few a day. I could manage this!  With no more need to attend meetings, work my program nor pray to God for help to stay clean...I was back in a desperation that even my new higher power could not help.

As we sat there Yesterday....going over the good, ..She suddenly lost all expression and her eyes were full of brutal truth but also hurt and pain and disappointment  "do you remember the day you looked at me and said.....We have decided its time for you to go?"........  of course I had no clue. I only remember begging her not to walk out that door.....for what was then around the 10th time she had. But this was to be the final one

Through the Grace of God I started over that day. I ended up , that time a ward of the state. I was sent to a mental institution because by all standards I was crazy as hell. Soon the docs and psychiatrist, physiologist, counselors labeled me what I always will be. Just simple addict suffering some days and living some days with this disease of addiction.

It has been my experience that some people are put in our lives just for a season. ...They make such an impact on us, we find it hard to believe that they were only meant to be.that....I also find that God does the same thing with this old junkie....Today I know who I am and who has me.

Oh....BTW......We continued to talk till the late afternoon yesterday. And not one time did I want to jump up and tear her cloths off....well, maybe once.    We did more than mutually agree that we would be having many more lunch dates to come.................

Clean/jft  

No Angle Born In Hell Could Break That Satans Spell...But Can You still Teach Me How To Dance Real Slow

Its February 2, in the year 2015....And I'm still alive...Sure as hell didnt see that coming!!!   Just like everything else that I assume I have Control over, This to proves to the contrary. God, As only I understand him today, is the operator of this machine.

What a ride!!!  The last several months of my life have played out exactly as planned wheather I think so or not.  I was sick as hell with this Cirrhosis monster.for the most of the ending  months of 2014. In and out of hospitals, New meds, New symptoms, Old symptoms getting worse and basically loosing my mind in the process....I, the addict that I am will forget the misery that this disease caused me. Like thinking...."oh well I'm dying...whats the use??"   Bring on those marvelous (see how I can glorify the disease) pharmaceuticals...    That change the way I feel."   But Somewhere between my first day clean and that moment,, something changed in my thinking, that I, had not even realized. I had fought the fight of my life for the last 3 years...I had prayed to a Higher Power like my life depended on it weather I felt good or bad. I had got off my ass and showed up at meetings when my head was so full of despair and confusion (caused by a condition that goes with cirrhosis of the liver called Hepatic Encephalopathy, the liver starts making ammonia, very toxic to the brain) I was not sure why I was even there. 20 minutes earlier, I was waiting in the drive thru at the bank ordering food.  Only through Grace I did make it to a meeting none the less.  lived my live a day or even a minute at a time. Took suggestions from you and the doctors. Did what was done in the beginning when I was just as desperate and dying as I was then.........That first day, weeks, months whatever. Between then and that moment as I was saying...contemplating listen to that oh so to familiar voice in my head that will still say to me on cold nights or any given time, as I make my way to my truck to go to the grocery store or wal-mart  or a meeting......That tingle runs up my back and electric fire shoots out my finger tips and that feeling.... oh that feeling where I am most comfortable takes me over and the voice speaks "We ain't coming back home tonite...at least not alone"   ....... For this addict, dope is but a symptom of my real problem...Thats when I had a choice. Something that in active addiction that i did not have....I chose not to listen to the beast that i call my disease.  I was just simply tired of starting my life over every 2 weeks. I refused the drugs....just for that day is all I had to it.....I refused the drugs just for today...is all i have to do to experience what I never had before.  I have a life today. I am living with, no longer just dying from the disease of addiction.

I have a Power in me that is just as destructive and equally as deadly to me as my Higher Power is loving and caring and wants only good for me..... The one I give the most attention to is the one who is the main operator of this machine.

Clean JFT

First an Alcoholic Takes a Drink....

First an alcoholic takes a drink,then the drink takes a drink.Then the drink takes an alcoholic.I'm not to concerned with the outcome for social drinkers,they could blow out the candles when drinking.I dont need to become this middle man when the drink is taking a drink,Its like the alcoholic has no power, now alcohol is in control and manifests itself by using the body,like some kind of pipeline.Ok now.Step 2 came to believe that a power greater than this human pipeline can and will restore our sanity

My AA Sponsee Died of an Overdose

By Charlotte Grey, for Substance.com

Six months ago, my sister called to tell me that Kelly had died. My sister calls about three times a year. We've never been close. I figured she needed a place to crash her drunk ass after missing her train back to campus, again. I only answered because it was late and a tiny part of me was nervous that it might be serious.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances to addiction that I have practice at coping with grief. But this time, I got a call about someone I was meant to help.

She was sobbing hysterically on the phone, so the news came out in a high-pitched squeak: "Do you remember Kelly? She overdosed. She died. This morning. Her step-dad found her in her bed."

I did remember Kelly. She was a family friend and my sister's best friend growing up. She was a sweet, quiet girl, standing less than five feet tall, and with these bright blue eyes. Though somewhat shy, she had a warmth that drew people towards her. Also, she was a gifted artist.

It seemed surreal that she was gone.

Sadly, at nearly six years sober, I was used to this kind of thing. After all those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, including dozens of trips across the country, I have a network of literally thousands of people--all marked secretly in my phone with ellipses next to their first names.

This is an incredible resource. Knowing that there are so many people I can call helps me stay sober. But on the darker side, having this many friends and acquaintances who struggle with addiction means I end up at a lot of funerals.

Many people in AA relapse and never make it back. I've lost friends to fatal overdoses, suicide, car accidents, alcohol or drug-related chronic illness, heart-attacks and brain aneurysms.

But that didn't make hearing this news any easier.

There is always sadness and heartbreak. But it was different with Kelly: Two years earlier, she had been my sponsee.

"For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area."

In AA, a sponsor is a mentor who helps take a person (usually of the same gender) with less time sober through the 12 Steps, takes their phone calls, and offers them suggestions when needed. Sponsor-sponsee relationships have been some of the most intimate non-romantic relationships I've ever had. Guiding someone else through recovery is a unique experience that helps me as much as it helps them.

In the four years I've been sponsoring, I've worked with dozens of women--some for a couple of days, others for years. I've had up to four sponsees at any one time.

"It's not your fault," my sister reassured me. "She didn't want to get sober."

Thankfully, I've been in the program long enough to really believe this. I realize I did the best I could--devoting as much attention to Kelly as I did to every other sponsee. "If someone wants the message, you can't say the wrong thing," someone once said at a meeting. "If someone doesn't want the message, you can't say the right thing."

When I first started sponsoring women, I would blame myself if they didn't stay sober. But in time, I've learned that I can't force anyone to get help. "Hitting bottom," as they say in AA, is a personal experience and everyone must arrive there on his or her own timeline. I've seen many of my sponsees relapse, but most return to AA eventually, when they're really ready. Of the ones I've reconnected with now, most have at least a year sober.

Kelly was 19 when she first reached out to me. She had just gotten out of rehab and called my sister, who came to me and asked if I would help her get connected with the recovery community. Of course I agreed. Kelly called me that day and seemed excited that someone she knew was also in recovery.

She called me daily to check in and loved going to meetings, but I could see she wasn't quite ready to let go of her old lifestyle. Though she didn't drink or use drugs, she continued to go out partying with her old friends. She identified as an alcoholic, but she had one foot out the door.

When I think back on those first few months with Kelly I'm reminded of my own early sobriety. When I started attending meetings, I felt lost in a sea of new faces. I remember how anxious and uncertain I was. At my first ever meeting, I happened to run into a childhood friend--a chance encounter that was crucial in helping me feel safe at meetings. I asked her questions that seemed stupid to me at the time, like what is a sponsor? She was patient, answered my questions and made me feel at home. I had tried to do the same for Kelly.

But I had the willingness to stay sober and remain so until now. Kelly did not. I'll never know why.

"Charlotte, I don't know what I'd do if that was you," my sister blubbered over the phone, "Thank God you're sober!"

For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area. My close friend relapsed and died from the same laced batch weeks before Kelly got her hands on it. Both deaths were complete accidents. I constantly hear in meetings that even one relapse could lead to death. It seemed over-dramatic when I was newly sober. Now I've experienced enough loss to know it's true.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living.

The day I found out Kelly died, I didn't tell my employers why I needed a last-minute personal day. They may have already noticed that I attended a higher-than-average number of wakes, but I had never told them about my recovery.

Having lost so many friends and acquaintances in AA, I had my grieving down to a science: It involved a lot of crying. I cried to friends on the phone and in meetings. As an old-timer once told me: "The only way out is through" (in other words, you have to feel your feelings, no matter how painful).

When I felt lonely, I left my apartment and completed even basic routines, like shopping or doing laundry, in the company of a friend. I kept going to meetings and doing my 12-step work--answering calls from sponsees and showing up to meet with them.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living. I have to push through the discomfort and pain in this way, in order to preserve my sanity.

I travelled to Kelly's home town in New Jersey for the wake. I didn't plan to tell her family she had been in AA because one of the traditions in the program is anonymity. If Kelly's family didn't already know about her attempt at recovery, she might not have wanted them to.

I hadn't seen the family since my childhood, so I didn't expect them to remember me. But as I waited in line to view her body, Kelly's twin sister, Anna, and her mother and stepfather recognized me instantly. I could tell right away that they knew.

Breaking from the stiff formality of the occasion, they all hugged me in unison, thanked me through their tears, and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.

Anna and her mother told me stories about Kelly, and how she would talk constantly about AA. She was excited about recovery, and having me as her sponsor. For the time she was going to meetings and working the Steps, they said she seemed noticeably lighter and more peaceful.

I was floored, and overcome with gratitude to hear that our work had made an impact on her life.

I see every day how much sponsorship can help a person who stays sober. My first sponsee, Maria, and I started working together when she had just a few days sober, and was full of fear. Because of our similar histories, I was able to help her accept her painful past. She told me things she'd never told anyone--about childhood trauma, abusive relationships, cheating and psychiatric illness. I let her know that she wasn't alone. Though we no longer work together, she now has four years sober and we still talk on the phone sometimes. I can hear in her voice how much she's changed.

After talking to Kelly's family, I realized that sponsorship can also make a deep impact on someone who doesn't stay sober. Working with Kelly didn't save her life--but for a few months, it might have offered her hope.

Not everyone I reach out to will stay sober, and some might never come back. But the moment with Kelly's family at her wake renewed my determination to keep being there, as much as I can, for anyone who asks for my help.

I'v Got Wild Stareing Eyes and I have a Stong Erge to Fly...But I have No where To Fly to...

  Time to stop carrying this load  around with me. This heavy load of "what the hell if "  Has about broken my back and caused me alot of suffering that did not have to be.

 Found out Friday  That the HCV has cleared my system, It  is no longer detectable!!!!  Not totally out of the woods..I still have 35 more days of treatment the the 3 months test to see if I am still HCV clear.. Its still a dam good thing and I do not have very many dam good things that happen in my life, so its very big to me!!!!

However being clean and sober today...Is all I need.



jft

All we have to fear is fear itself....FEAR???.... Fear This!!

Hav'nt been writting. Havn't been doing much of anything recovery related, with the exception of alot of praying....

I've been wrestling with this fear thing. You know,.. Face Everything And Recover,.. Fuck Everything And Run....and my favorite,.. Fighting Egotistically Against Reality. I ain't been winning either. Not even close!

Fear is what kept me out there for so many years.. I thought I had pushed it so far down that I would not have to worry about it EVER... Nor would I have to confront it or deal with that irrational thinking it possess once I started recovery.   I was confident that once I started doing what I should have been doing,. It would magically leave or just not be a problem.. Wrong. I was driven by thousands of forms of fear. And although many and I do mean many have dissipated to some degree, I have so many more to deal with. ...I am not exhuming things that are better left alone...Can't bury them deep enough anyway it seems.

 I could write for days about this..and maybe I should?? This is not phobia's,,..then again, Fear of Fear itself is just that.. a phobia. I can get real discombobulated real fast....lol.

I would like to get a discussion started right here, on this blog about fear and what it is, was, doing to you, done to you etc. etc. I need Help with this...Its very apparent to me. Have talked with others in recovery, have brought it up in meetings...The suggestions I hear tell me I have to deal with it..or I will use it as an excuse to do other things..that come way to easy to me.

Your comments are so welcome!!

Clean  jft

Just don't feel it today

The holidays are especially difficult for people living with an addiction. Depression is a common holiday addiction trigger, and people who are trying to recover may feel a familiar pull to return to old behaviors when the pressures seem overwhelming. It's important to be aware of what may trigger an addiction response so that trigger situations can be avoided. Keep in mind that addictions are behaviors that are out of control and that an addict cannot control the behavior without help.

Addiction Triggers

For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.

Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.

Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.

How to Cope

Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.

1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.

2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.

3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.

4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.

Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.

Gold Coast frieghter bound for cotton fields........

Wow cant believe whats going on or what went on at Penn State. And of all people Joe. He is one of the most respectable and well liked and respected all over the country. Sometimes I think the whole world is sick to some degree. It just shows that using drugs and alcohol were only symptoms of my disease. Something was twisted out of proportion long before I took that first drink or drug. I used chemicals some use sex, porno, emotions and small children apparently to stop the pain.  And Like when my girlfriend of nearly five yrs left me for a woman, it seems so confusing to me how people get to that point. Like the child molesters and suddenly deciding you want to be with the same sex in a relationship seems crazy as hell to me, I do suppose I who put gallons of dope over the years in my veins and gave and gave to my addiction must seem like I am crazy as hell to those people. Regardless, any addiction will take everything and ruin your world. The people that are laid to the side by us are harmed in a bad way also. And they just wanted to help........Thank God I am at least clean and sober today!

Somebody tell the truth

Boy have I gotten myself in a mess. I swear when this one is over I am through with relationships and chasing women for good.  I am a addict to the bone. I do not have the first clue about how to have a relationship. I believe in the all or nothing thing from day one. You are suppose to madly in heat and stay that way for as long as possible. As soon as it starts to fade, withdraw into that comfortable rut and ride it out till they leave. Which for me it is an average of 4 .3 years. Walk around with your head down , move back home to the house you grew up in, that's just a way of making "living with your mother" not sting so bad when you say it. Drive yourself mad by obsessing on the good times you had with her back when you were both in heat. Never go to bed, sleep in the chair at the computer. Ah yes ....the computer. Your new wonderland of loose women pretending to be what they wish they were.  They appeal to you however. The pictures they post of the gorgeous ladies in nice clothing and very nice bodies are just what the doctor ordered for you to get over your broken heart. But instead you obsess to the point of having a nervous breakdown about how they are not the one that just left. You are getting older and you were lucky as hell that the last one you had was into or liked older men. It took you perhaps your entire life to find such a perfect woman for you and you can only imagine