Don't think Twice It's Alrght

Well, I haven't written anything for a while.  And It's surely not because I have nothing to write about. Or should I say , Need To Write About!  This writing thing is a huge tool in my program. It has helped get all the crap out of my head and make room for the good or Great stuff that  absolutely surrounds us everywhere. Its just the way we think about things sometimes that make situations seem to be here to stay.

As it is said "The only constant in life is change". Not going to get to deep into that right now nor anytime. Because you can talk and theorize for hours , perhaps even days and you will always come back to the same thing.."The Only Constant In Life Is Change". I had a sponsor once that attempted to show me... A day of someone alert enough to his surroundings and that takes nothing for granted, had the ability to teach this ole foggy sole a lesson that will be with me till I am no more of this earth.  So  Yes...We Do Change. Every addict no matter how bad can change!

Now, I have a lil trash to dump. As most of you know I have Cirrhosis of the Liver. Secondary to HCV which was secondary to blood I received in 1979. I lost my right leg below the knee and dam near lost the left one also. I received tons of blood and blood products (over 100 units in a 4 month stay in ICU) Of course in 79 they didn't screen for Hep c because they had no idea what it was. If you died from it or developed symptoms you were labeled Non A B.  Anyway my symptoms eventually stopped me in my tracks in Nov. 2013. I was treated with triple therapy. That stuff came very very close to killing me. I went septic so bad I only had a slight chance to live....But they didn't have a clue who they were messing with! lol...so In September 2013 I was chosen to receive the new Hep c drugs. Olysio and Salvaldi. I cleared hep c in 12 weeks of therapy. But my liver was crapping out. That stuff is hard on all your organs.

My old diseased liver continued to De-compensate over the next 3 yrs. Man I was sick as a dog every single day! Now here's the kicker or perhaps the blessing in my situation, With Cirrhosis you get NO pain meds at all. My doc lets me take 2 Tylenol twice a day. ...Now back to what I was bitchin about. I am on the transplant list but due to my lengthy I.V. drug abuse I will only get to the top 5 in the nation. And I shouldn't deserve that. Anyway I got to hurting so miserably I went to my local e.r. The immediately flew me to Vanderbilt in Nashville, where I am on list and have all the workups done. After a couple of days they found that the hepC had returned and my liver was super small and very Nodular. Its not regenerating nor making new cells that live longer than a couple hrs. Looked like I was pretty much tits up this time.

I was started on Ribavirn and Harvoni.  This makes me feel worse than ever. And absolute no sleep at night at all. I sleep when I can usually 2 hrs at a time. I am suppose to be on this therapy  for 24 weeks instead of the usual 12. they say its due to my liver not metabolizing enough of the drug to help so I need to be on a longer regimen. 

Thanks for letting me dump all this...I don't have to many people coming around to see me anymore ...Most if not all friends I have live hundreds of miles away.I left home in 1982 and started a career in Heavy Civil Construction. I made friends at the many many jobs at worked at or supervised. Some still keep in touch but I miss the work and the adventures on the road.

Hope you all stay clean no matter what....Things always change...That Light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train no-more!!!  See...I told ya.....Cause someone else told me!!

 

 

"

Mama Take This Badge From Me

Yesterday, I had Lunch with probably the only woman I have ever loved in my life .We Met In Memphis Some 10 years ago. I was 4 years clean at the time and just divorced from my wife. Less than a week latter, I had a kidney stone the size of a walnut removed surgically that left me flat on my back (Supposedly) for 6 weeks. But for some reason we were UN-separable. She took care of me and didn't have to.  I doubt at the time if I was willing to do the same.

Time passed I healed and being the addict that I am, I latched on this beautiful lady with everything that I had!  Fell T-Totally in love with each other. Man what a ride!!! We traveled all over the country with the company i was working for. Never been more happy and content in my entire life.... So much so before I even knew what happened she was my Higher Power. Fun, Fun, Fun, If it feels good we did it. But I did not use....Did not have to..she made me comfortable in my own skin. She was now my HP and My Drug of choice.

With all going "perfect" for me for the first time in my existence on this planet, I was to soon find it necessary to make things even better. ....It started slow.just doing a few a day. I could manage this!  With no more need to attend meetings, work my program nor pray to God for help to stay clean...I was back in a desperation that even my new higher power could not help.

As we sat there Yesterday....going over the good, ..She suddenly lost all expression and her eyes were full of brutal truth but also hurt and pain and disappointment  "do you remember the day you looked at me and said.....We have decided its time for you to go?"........  of course I had no clue. I only remember begging her not to walk out that door.....for what was then around the 10th time she had. But this was to be the final one

Through the Grace of God I started over that day. I ended up , that time a ward of the state. I was sent to a mental institution because by all standards I was crazy as hell. Soon the docs and psychiatrist, physiologist, counselors labeled me what I always will be. Just simple addict suffering some days and living some days with this disease of addiction.

It has been my experience that some people are put in our lives just for a season. ...They make such an impact on us, we find it hard to believe that they were only meant to be.that....I also find that God does the same thing with this old junkie....Today I know who I am and who has me.

Oh....BTW......We continued to talk till the late afternoon yesterday. And not one time did I want to jump up and tear her cloths off....well, maybe once.    We did more than mutually agree that we would be having many more lunch dates to come.................

Clean/jft  

You Have sent the maid home early Like a thousand times before

Well , I have not written here in quiet a while. Its not that nothing has been happening in my life, I just have not written even though I have had plenty to write about. I'm just going through a super lazy spell .....I wish that was it.  I have developed insomnia in a way that I have never known. Although I consider it dam near crippling at times, My Hematologist suggest that its perfectly normal. To not worry about it. And to not drive...lol  what??

With Cirrhosis of the liver, there is a disorder, Heptic Encephalopathy. Its one of the components that result from Portal Vein Hypertension..........Oh  nuff about these medical terms. In other words It makes you extreamly sleepy !  I pass out more or less, then, when I awake at 11:pm, ready to go to sleep..IT is Impossible! I have a pretty good routine now after several months of this happening over and over. I sit up all night. Lay down at 5;00 am. Up at 6;30 am.  Then I nod all dam day and probally accumalate another 2 to 3 hours sleep. Then it starts all over again. .So I just haven't felt like writing.  Plus my ex and I are working very hard on trying to rebuild our relationship.  At least when I'm awake lol !!!

She called about 3 weeks ago and wanted to know everything that was going on with me. Said she wanted to let me know that she was there for me anytime...I have no idea why this one woman has the power to break my heart into a million tiny pieces and I still will love her with every single little piece till she puts me back together. We tried this once before and had no luck. She said she had no idea how to explain to others what we have. It cant be told with words and I agree with her. We definitely have something that draws us back together. All he have to do is make eye contact. Both of our minds and hearts were ready to do this again. This is so dam crazy!!!!  I just don't know so this is turned over to God...I simply can not come up with anything on what the next step should be...Let him handle the results...

All In One Word

Its Not Stressful when I slow down and follow directions.... Good Orderly Directions.

Every Silver Lining Has a Touch of Grey

For the past 2 months I could count on one thing. The fact that my ex GF would be calling and texting me every hour or so. I try not to take someone elses  inventory other than mine, so I will not start doing so now. She is an addict. The only difference between she and I is, I am not using. Enough said about that.
I did answer the phone today when she called. She had called to tell me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had over-dosed and was dead. I have received far to many of those calls.... She had been one of the first to find him. It was her first time of seeing this part of this disease. I know how it feels. So does she.

All of us addicts do not always recover. I've read and heard it said many times, "Some of us will die so that others can live" But it is our choice. Sometime all of this just doesn't make sense...There is one thing that does make sense to me, If I am clean today and If I do tomorrow what I did today, there is a good chance I will stay clean tomorrow. I pray for this addict and his family, that they may find the comfort that is in understanding.

Clean JFT.

I am still living with your ghost!!

I am as sick as I can ever remember... This ole tore up liver is letting me know how bad I treated it and he is pissed off big time!!! Thank God above and some GREAT physicians that treated a sick man... Not a low life addict.. So many times in the past I would go to doctors and tell them something is wrong with me I just know it...After a little history was taken and The words RECOVERING ADDICT came out....well, my time was done and so was his, hers...But I had a Diagnosis .....I felt so bad and my belly was swollen the size of a nice watermelon..and oh yea even that jaundice and yellow eyes could be explained sometimes!!   It is the disease of addiction or better known around here as,,,,a Damn ole dope head... I am very lucky indeed to even be considered for the transplant list......so many others will never get that chance..... And I'll be in Nashville Tn. at Vanderbilt medical center First thing Monday morning!!!!

My liver has started making ammonia. This causes me to be crazier and more confused than normal...Its just one of the things that suck with a failing liver. I am starting to tolerate it much better than 6 months ago and Now I can't even hide behind ......lol  I'm crazy as hell naturally LOL!!!

not much different today. Just questions of why. A lot of work and energy was put in on this, now it seems if it was all for nothing. I guess....just do not know much about anything anymore. So tired of being miserable so tired of fucking up everything that was good in my life. tired of making horrible memories. Really what I had planned was to make great memories. Something needs to change. I know its me.......but i just cant do it for some reason. My intentions were always good and things were going my way and for once it was also the right way, agreeable to all. Black cats everywhere crossing my path...Just wish I had some sort of reassurance any at all would help. Maybe There is none because there is none. how have I wound up here again??? i was born, I had a good childhood, I lost my leg in a farm accident at 15, I overcame that,,,I went on to make a ton of money with a career in construction,,,,I have had some of the most beautiful women in the world love me. I lost everything more than once to drug addiction. I married and was divorced 2 years later but not legally. I have had girlfriends half my age. I have had my heart broken into 10 million tiny pieces to the point of nervous breakdowns.......I have lost everything again and didnt care if I ever had a dime to my name again...I have layed awake for days at a time wondering what to do. I searched my soul to an un- imaginable depth when the only woman I ever loved up to that point left me for a woman while i was in rehab fighting daily for my life, I took drinks and cigarets to a woman that was in a recovery house for women and was there for her through broken hips, broken arms and other injuries she received while trying to learn to walk, I loved her to a point that I did not know existed on the love scale and found out how to love and love for real and to know without a doubt what I want in life from a partner only to take a sleeping pill one night loose my mind and say things about her she trusted me with.  but through all of this I never lost hope.....till now...God help me one more time...you have got to be getting pretty tired of me by now.