Meeting Makers...Well, We All Know What They Say About Them...

My very First attempt at recovery and working with a sponsor or listening to anyone other than myself was a place I wanted no part of...lol.  I got a sponsor or a" person I thought I could get to co-sign my bullshit"..Ha..That's another story...Anyway this guy is still in my life today and has been a blessing to say the least. The first thing he told me was to call him every night at 10 pm and every morning at 6a.m. Didn't even mention step work.I had no idea what a step was for. I just wanted them to show me the secret handshake that would make me feel better.

The first suggestion was do not use no matter what ,when my knees knocked kneel, 90 meetings in 90 days. Hell I had learned that in rehab. So off I went "tap dancing" making sure everyone saw me and liked me. Living totally in my twisted mind...lol  At the time here in the mid-south, you may have to drive a lttle but you can make a meeting every other hour starting at 5 am and ending at 3 am, so  By day 45 I had already been to 101 meetings.I made sure everyone new it especially the guy that had suggested me to do it. He would smile and kinda scratch his head and simply ask which meting I was going to next that day/night or tomorrow.  I still remember seeing a number of people i would see at almost every meeting i attended and they had been around for a while...like years!  I remember thinking how odd that seemed at the time..lol   Twisted thinking!!

on day 90 I had went to 164 meetings in 90 days/nights. My sponsor new I was truthful and had attended every single one of them.He was at most of them himself. I remember him telling me there was a meeting at such and such place at 10;00 and that I needed to be there.I would say ok Ill ride with you that's on the other side of the city you can drive I'm tired and hungry we can stop and get a burger on the way.....STOP!! I didn't say that I needed to be there...I said you need to be there.The kids are with Valerie's mom & dad so Val and I are going to enjoy each other relaxing at home....   He had gotten clean in that area and at that time he had 7 yrs clean. all he had to do was ask someone that went to the same meting to verify. The fool i was would be hard to miss.   Great relationships were formed during this and I was introduced to what was soon to became my family.

That night after the meeting My sponsor and his other 2 sponcees and I went to eat pizza. A weekly event we still do. I missed several pizza nights due to my relapses..but no one ever gave up on me.

That night I payed for the pizza and as we were walking out sponsor put his arm across my shoulders and gave me a hug... told me he was proud of me.......But Now I had To Do What I Was Told To Do....He didn't tell me to go to 164 meetings in 90 days.....he Told Me To Go To 90 Meeting In 90 Days.but as he said it was just a suggestion...same as its suggested that you pull the rip cord on your parachute when you jump out of an airplane....He looked me in the eye and said this is about learning how to following directions...directions on how to do something that you do not have a clue on how to do it and if I didn't take directions from him or someone who had been right where I was, That more than likely I would die from this disease.... he told me he would be honored to freely give me directions on how to live my life clean and sober just like it that had been freely given to him.

Ya know...90 in 90 may just be what I need to do again...I know that practicing the willingness to do so will be an opportunity to surrender a little more.

I only need one meeting a week at this point in my recovery.....So I go to seven to make sure I don't miss the one I need!!

Why Oh Why Don't You Just Stop !?

I guess that's where "Its a simple program" comes from??  I have no problem stopping...I did it every time I passed out or overdosed or ran out of what ever it was i was doing. My problem was staying stopped.

Why didn't they just sop??How many times has that been said by family, friends, police, judges, misinformed physicians, or under educated professionals? I have heard it from so called LCSW & addictionologist ...Gee, Why did I not think of that???dam...I must surly suffer from some learning disability....

The truth of the matter for me is, Addiction is by all means the most complicated disease to understand.

when I was 14 yrs. old I was cutting hay and was to close to the fence row and a limb knocked me of the tractor and into the mower. A sickle mower. Looks like a giant hedge trimmer. Well it dragged me about 500 yards before finally cutting my right leg off and filleting my left leg to the bone from the knee down. I lay in the hot June heat for over seven hrs before I was found. Never passed out. Infection almost killed me but I was fitted with a prosthesis and was good as could hope to be in that day and time after numerous surgeries and a very long recovery. I lost most of my bodies blood supply and with all the surgeries I received around 45 units of blood during the summer of 1979.  What was not known then was in 1979 blood was not screened as well as it is today.They paid cash for donor blood. Blood which had diseases like Hepatitis C which was totally unknown to the medical profession then. So for 35 years I was being consumed by Hep C virus and had no Idea. Just knew I felt bad most of the time but thought I just needed a more powerful drug. Was seen by many docs and my liver functions were Always elevated. However when they seen the amount of prescribed dope I was getting they had their answer to that..case closed. If they only knew of all the drugs I was buying besides that they would have surly fainted.

In 2006 I went jaundiced. was a yellow as a pumpkin. had a gall bladder full of stones...remove gal bladder and case closed again. They did the surgery laparoscopicry. When the surgeon looked through the scope he said he could see the scaring of my liver from the years of cirrhosis that had turned it into a concrete football.I do have several complications that goes along with cirrhosis and it is no fun. However God has seen fit not to let me go just yet. I'm on the Transplant list and my health although not good...is actually better than most in End Stage Liver Disease.

My point in telling that is all this bad stuff is a walk in the park compared to the fight with the disease of addiction.I've been through a hell that only an addict knows. Just like all of us have. We fight a disease that has no cure and if left untreated will kill us. How do we do it?? A day at a time. And our reward is beyond anything we could ever imagine. My thinking is that we are the chosen ones that have been selected to experience this, why? I do not have a clue. But after going through what you and I have been through and we can look at ourselves in the mirror and be thankful for going through it...is all the evidence I need that a Higher Power is at work in my life and chose the right ones.

I am grateful To be clean and in recovery today.

There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

Mama Take This Badge From Me

Yesterday, I had Lunch with probably the only woman I have ever loved in my life .We Met In Memphis Some 10 years ago. I was 4 years clean at the time and just divorced from my wife. Less than a week latter, I had a kidney stone the size of a walnut removed surgically that left me flat on my back (Supposedly) for 6 weeks. But for some reason we were UN-separable. She took care of me and didn't have to.  I doubt at the time if I was willing to do the same.

Time passed I healed and being the addict that I am, I latched on this beautiful lady with everything that I had!  Fell T-Totally in love with each other. Man what a ride!!! We traveled all over the country with the company i was working for. Never been more happy and content in my entire life.... So much so before I even knew what happened she was my Higher Power. Fun, Fun, Fun, If it feels good we did it. But I did not use....Did not have to..she made me comfortable in my own skin. She was now my HP and My Drug of choice.

With all going "perfect" for me for the first time in my existence on this planet, I was to soon find it necessary to make things even better. ....It started slow.just doing a few a day. I could manage this!  With no more need to attend meetings, work my program nor pray to God for help to stay clean...I was back in a desperation that even my new higher power could not help.

As we sat there Yesterday....going over the good, ..She suddenly lost all expression and her eyes were full of brutal truth but also hurt and pain and disappointment  "do you remember the day you looked at me and said.....We have decided its time for you to go?"........  of course I had no clue. I only remember begging her not to walk out that door.....for what was then around the 10th time she had. But this was to be the final one

Through the Grace of God I started over that day. I ended up , that time a ward of the state. I was sent to a mental institution because by all standards I was crazy as hell. Soon the docs and psychiatrist, physiologist, counselors labeled me what I always will be. Just simple addict suffering some days and living some days with this disease of addiction.

It has been my experience that some people are put in our lives just for a season. ...They make such an impact on us, we find it hard to believe that they were only meant to be.that....I also find that God does the same thing with this old junkie....Today I know who I am and who has me.

Oh....BTW......We continued to talk till the late afternoon yesterday. And not one time did I want to jump up and tear her cloths off....well, maybe once.    We did more than mutually agree that we would be having many more lunch dates to come.................

Clean/jft  

No Angle Born In Hell Could Break That Satans Spell...But Can You still Teach Me How To Dance Real Slow

Its February 2, in the year 2015....And I'm still alive...Sure as hell didnt see that coming!!!   Just like everything else that I assume I have Control over, This to proves to the contrary. God, As only I understand him today, is the operator of this machine.

What a ride!!!  The last several months of my life have played out exactly as planned wheather I think so or not.  I was sick as hell with this Cirrhosis monster.for the most of the ending  months of 2014. In and out of hospitals, New meds, New symptoms, Old symptoms getting worse and basically loosing my mind in the process....I, the addict that I am will forget the misery that this disease caused me. Like thinking...."oh well I'm dying...whats the use??"   Bring on those marvelous (see how I can glorify the disease) pharmaceuticals...    That change the way I feel."   But Somewhere between my first day clean and that moment,, something changed in my thinking, that I, had not even realized. I had fought the fight of my life for the last 3 years...I had prayed to a Higher Power like my life depended on it weather I felt good or bad. I had got off my ass and showed up at meetings when my head was so full of despair and confusion (caused by a condition that goes with cirrhosis of the liver called Hepatic Encephalopathy, the liver starts making ammonia, very toxic to the brain) I was not sure why I was even there. 20 minutes earlier, I was waiting in the drive thru at the bank ordering food.  Only through Grace I did make it to a meeting none the less.  lived my live a day or even a minute at a time. Took suggestions from you and the doctors. Did what was done in the beginning when I was just as desperate and dying as I was then.........That first day, weeks, months whatever. Between then and that moment as I was saying...contemplating listen to that oh so to familiar voice in my head that will still say to me on cold nights or any given time, as I make my way to my truck to go to the grocery store or wal-mart  or a meeting......That tingle runs up my back and electric fire shoots out my finger tips and that feeling.... oh that feeling where I am most comfortable takes me over and the voice speaks "We ain't coming back home tonite...at least not alone"   ....... For this addict, dope is but a symptom of my real problem...Thats when I had a choice. Something that in active addiction that i did not have....I chose not to listen to the beast that i call my disease.  I was just simply tired of starting my life over every 2 weeks. I refused the drugs....just for that day is all I had to it.....I refused the drugs just for today...is all i have to do to experience what I never had before.  I have a life today. I am living with, no longer just dying from the disease of addiction.

I have a Power in me that is just as destructive and equally as deadly to me as my Higher Power is loving and caring and wants only good for me..... The one I give the most attention to is the one who is the main operator of this machine.

Clean JFT

My AA Sponsee Died of an Overdose

By Charlotte Grey, for Substance.com

Six months ago, my sister called to tell me that Kelly had died. My sister calls about three times a year. We've never been close. I figured she needed a place to crash her drunk ass after missing her train back to campus, again. I only answered because it was late and a tiny part of me was nervous that it might be serious.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances to addiction that I have practice at coping with grief. But this time, I got a call about someone I was meant to help.

She was sobbing hysterically on the phone, so the news came out in a high-pitched squeak: "Do you remember Kelly? She overdosed. She died. This morning. Her step-dad found her in her bed."

I did remember Kelly. She was a family friend and my sister's best friend growing up. She was a sweet, quiet girl, standing less than five feet tall, and with these bright blue eyes. Though somewhat shy, she had a warmth that drew people towards her. Also, she was a gifted artist.

It seemed surreal that she was gone.

Sadly, at nearly six years sober, I was used to this kind of thing. After all those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, including dozens of trips across the country, I have a network of literally thousands of people--all marked secretly in my phone with ellipses next to their first names.

This is an incredible resource. Knowing that there are so many people I can call helps me stay sober. But on the darker side, having this many friends and acquaintances who struggle with addiction means I end up at a lot of funerals.

Many people in AA relapse and never make it back. I've lost friends to fatal overdoses, suicide, car accidents, alcohol or drug-related chronic illness, heart-attacks and brain aneurysms.

But that didn't make hearing this news any easier.

There is always sadness and heartbreak. But it was different with Kelly: Two years earlier, she had been my sponsee.

"For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area."

In AA, a sponsor is a mentor who helps take a person (usually of the same gender) with less time sober through the 12 Steps, takes their phone calls, and offers them suggestions when needed. Sponsor-sponsee relationships have been some of the most intimate non-romantic relationships I've ever had. Guiding someone else through recovery is a unique experience that helps me as much as it helps them.

In the four years I've been sponsoring, I've worked with dozens of women--some for a couple of days, others for years. I've had up to four sponsees at any one time.

"It's not your fault," my sister reassured me. "She didn't want to get sober."

Thankfully, I've been in the program long enough to really believe this. I realize I did the best I could--devoting as much attention to Kelly as I did to every other sponsee. "If someone wants the message, you can't say the wrong thing," someone once said at a meeting. "If someone doesn't want the message, you can't say the right thing."

When I first started sponsoring women, I would blame myself if they didn't stay sober. But in time, I've learned that I can't force anyone to get help. "Hitting bottom," as they say in AA, is a personal experience and everyone must arrive there on his or her own timeline. I've seen many of my sponsees relapse, but most return to AA eventually, when they're really ready. Of the ones I've reconnected with now, most have at least a year sober.

Kelly was 19 when she first reached out to me. She had just gotten out of rehab and called my sister, who came to me and asked if I would help her get connected with the recovery community. Of course I agreed. Kelly called me that day and seemed excited that someone she knew was also in recovery.

She called me daily to check in and loved going to meetings, but I could see she wasn't quite ready to let go of her old lifestyle. Though she didn't drink or use drugs, she continued to go out partying with her old friends. She identified as an alcoholic, but she had one foot out the door.

When I think back on those first few months with Kelly I'm reminded of my own early sobriety. When I started attending meetings, I felt lost in a sea of new faces. I remember how anxious and uncertain I was. At my first ever meeting, I happened to run into a childhood friend--a chance encounter that was crucial in helping me feel safe at meetings. I asked her questions that seemed stupid to me at the time, like what is a sponsor? She was patient, answered my questions and made me feel at home. I had tried to do the same for Kelly.

But I had the willingness to stay sober and remain so until now. Kelly did not. I'll never know why.

"Charlotte, I don't know what I'd do if that was you," my sister blubbered over the phone, "Thank God you're sober!"

For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area. My close friend relapsed and died from the same laced batch weeks before Kelly got her hands on it. Both deaths were complete accidents. I constantly hear in meetings that even one relapse could lead to death. It seemed over-dramatic when I was newly sober. Now I've experienced enough loss to know it's true.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living.

The day I found out Kelly died, I didn't tell my employers why I needed a last-minute personal day. They may have already noticed that I attended a higher-than-average number of wakes, but I had never told them about my recovery.

Having lost so many friends and acquaintances in AA, I had my grieving down to a science: It involved a lot of crying. I cried to friends on the phone and in meetings. As an old-timer once told me: "The only way out is through" (in other words, you have to feel your feelings, no matter how painful).

When I felt lonely, I left my apartment and completed even basic routines, like shopping or doing laundry, in the company of a friend. I kept going to meetings and doing my 12-step work--answering calls from sponsees and showing up to meet with them.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living. I have to push through the discomfort and pain in this way, in order to preserve my sanity.

I travelled to Kelly's home town in New Jersey for the wake. I didn't plan to tell her family she had been in AA because one of the traditions in the program is anonymity. If Kelly's family didn't already know about her attempt at recovery, she might not have wanted them to.

I hadn't seen the family since my childhood, so I didn't expect them to remember me. But as I waited in line to view her body, Kelly's twin sister, Anna, and her mother and stepfather recognized me instantly. I could tell right away that they knew.

Breaking from the stiff formality of the occasion, they all hugged me in unison, thanked me through their tears, and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.

Anna and her mother told me stories about Kelly, and how she would talk constantly about AA. She was excited about recovery, and having me as her sponsor. For the time she was going to meetings and working the Steps, they said she seemed noticeably lighter and more peaceful.

I was floored, and overcome with gratitude to hear that our work had made an impact on her life.

I see every day how much sponsorship can help a person who stays sober. My first sponsee, Maria, and I started working together when she had just a few days sober, and was full of fear. Because of our similar histories, I was able to help her accept her painful past. She told me things she'd never told anyone--about childhood trauma, abusive relationships, cheating and psychiatric illness. I let her know that she wasn't alone. Though we no longer work together, she now has four years sober and we still talk on the phone sometimes. I can hear in her voice how much she's changed.

After talking to Kelly's family, I realized that sponsorship can also make a deep impact on someone who doesn't stay sober. Working with Kelly didn't save her life--but for a few months, it might have offered her hope.

Not everyone I reach out to will stay sober, and some might never come back. But the moment with Kelly's family at her wake renewed my determination to keep being there, as much as I can, for anyone who asks for my help.

I'v Got Wild Stareing Eyes and I have a Stong Erge to Fly...But I have No where To Fly to...

  Time to stop carrying this load  around with me. This heavy load of "what the hell if "  Has about broken my back and caused me alot of suffering that did not have to be.

 Found out Friday  That the HCV has cleared my system, It  is no longer detectable!!!!  Not totally out of the woods..I still have 35 more days of treatment the the 3 months test to see if I am still HCV clear.. Its still a dam good thing and I do not have very many dam good things that happen in my life, so its very big to me!!!!

However being clean and sober today...Is all I need.



jft

I've Seen The Bright Lights of Memphis and The Comador Hotel

All that I ever wanted, after keeping recovery first in my life, was/is a healthy relationship. Someone to love and someone to love me back. What is so dam wrong with that!!!??  I can count on one hand the serious relationships I have had in my life. I only need one finger however to count the one that means something so special to me, that a day very seldom goes by without something happening that reminds me of it . The one that WAY to many special memories were made to ever forget about. I just do not know why it does not work....This last time we went 3 years without seeing , speaking to each other. I would ask others that she worked with or were friends of hers, how she was doing and she would do the same with people that new me and my daughter which still speak to each other pretty often.

The minute we saw each other this time, It was on again. We talked to each other everyday and shared that this time we were going to go slow....Actually date again and go from there. We went out only on the weekends. And talked and laugh on the phone every day and night. Told each other we loved each other every time we talked. It felt really good..her words, eyes and smile said the same....I have no clue now what will be.....but I have a pretty good idea looking at our history.

She knows all about my Cirrhosis and knows how that shit has beat the hell out of me. And is not finished with me yet. I am worried and afraid of what is to come with this horrible shit!! That was the first thing she said when we saw each other this time. That if I ever need to talk she was a phone call a way.

I'm not going to lie......This shook the hell out of me at a time when I do not need shaking!!!!!!!Stll do not know why life is like it is.......there should be a better balance .. I have had enough of sickness, addiction, fucked up people, being unemployable and especially this gone to shit attitude I have !!!!  All I Wanted Was a Healthy Relationship.  ..................To Love Someone And Be There For them To Lean On,.....and To Be Loved and Have Someone There for Me To Lean On .......I have been around enough , I have met hundreds of very fine, good people and have made friendships that are priceless......Plus my share of sons of bitches, gold diggers, whores, racketeers, thieves and cons......... So I am Scheduled to be 50 yrs old on July 22, 2014........I learned the hard way and I did find the one I wanted to go through time with.....However ,God has other plans. 

I am clean and sober and for the rest of this day I am not going to drink or use. When the morning comes and I do what I did today, There is a dam good chance I won't find it necessary to drink or use tomorrow.


Be careful with relationships in recovery. Get a Sponsor and let him guide you ..........this is with no doubt the hardest thing to deal with since being in recovery.........Please listen to someone.

clean/jft

As You Step out Into The Night....Take a Lesson From the Trees...watch How They Learn to Bend With Each Breeze......Little Victories

I sure wish I had known I was going to live this long....Because I would have sure taken much better care of myself.

Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course.  Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.

Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,,  lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction  was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.

I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.

When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!!  YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house,  more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!

I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.

But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol

I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One  day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn.  That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or  An amputated Leg.

I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa,  and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.

I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time.   The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........


clean jft

I kept the right ones out...and let the wrong ones in.

I feel pretty good today for some reason..Not going to question it to much..although that is what I am really good at..Dam near a pro!... it also helps me stay sick.

This dam cirrhosis seems to make me feel sick all the time and has for a while now. It doesn't prevent me from thinking positive. There is good days and bad days in every dis-ease that exist.  I'll be the first to tell ya, especially on the bad days that I catch myself thinking I am hopeless...I will never feel better..This is as good as it gets...My dis-ease loves this type of thinking. I know it has me then, just as my disease knows.  Recovery stops and addict behavior starts. Even though I may have "justification for feeling not-so-u- to- Parr".. does not mean I have "justification to lay down" mentally. ...This is when this addict has to do anything but....and sometimes I get paralyzed with fear, when I do not instinctively now how to handle this..Yet......Recovery from the day to day destruction I put myself thru takes time...So do the NEW things that come along since / when  I chose to live life.. on life's terms.

I am so grateful for the good days...but they would not exists  if it were not for the bad ones.


clean jft

All In One Word

Its Not Stressful when I slow down and follow directions.... Good Orderly Directions.

Every Silver Lining Has a Touch of Grey

For the past 2 months I could count on one thing. The fact that my ex GF would be calling and texting me every hour or so. I try not to take someone elses  inventory other than mine, so I will not start doing so now. She is an addict. The only difference between she and I is, I am not using. Enough said about that.
I did answer the phone today when she called. She had called to tell me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had over-dosed and was dead. I have received far to many of those calls.... She had been one of the first to find him. It was her first time of seeing this part of this disease. I know how it feels. So does she.

All of us addicts do not always recover. I've read and heard it said many times, "Some of us will die so that others can live" But it is our choice. Sometime all of this just doesn't make sense...There is one thing that does make sense to me, If I am clean today and If I do tomorrow what I did today, there is a good chance I will stay clean tomorrow. I pray for this addict and his family, that they may find the comfort that is in understanding.

Clean JFT.

Just don't feel it today

The holidays are especially difficult for people living with an addiction. Depression is a common holiday addiction trigger, and people who are trying to recover may feel a familiar pull to return to old behaviors when the pressures seem overwhelming. It's important to be aware of what may trigger an addiction response so that trigger situations can be avoided. Keep in mind that addictions are behaviors that are out of control and that an addict cannot control the behavior without help.

Addiction Triggers

For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.

Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.

Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.

How to Cope

Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.

1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.

2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.

3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.

4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.

Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.

Boy You're Gonna Carry That Weight a long Time

I wonder if I will ever learn that I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!  I have spent the past few days in a very familiar place that for some reason, I seem to find much to often in my sick ass life!  Don't know if my heart is broken in a million pieces or I just do not know what to do ?????   If I knew that shooting my veins full of dope would somehow take away the pain I would definitely not be here. Dope quit being my friend some time ago and I miss it as much as I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. IT don't work no more!!! The only thing I had that I could turn to in these troubled times was just as big a fake and lair as IT had changed MY VERY self into.

Now I sat and wonder ( Which is absolutely the worst thing I could ever do) with this sick brain of mine. I had faith at one point in my recovery.........its just as hard to get out of my own way and capture it again.
Maybe I'll start with hope. This little miniscule amount I still do have, perhaps just may grow into that illusive faith I want so bad and wish to possess again..

Clean and dope free one more day!!

I am still living with your ghost!!

I am as sick as I can ever remember... This ole tore up liver is letting me know how bad I treated it and he is pissed off big time!!! Thank God above and some GREAT physicians that treated a sick man... Not a low life addict.. So many times in the past I would go to doctors and tell them something is wrong with me I just know it...After a little history was taken and The words RECOVERING ADDICT came out....well, my time was done and so was his, hers...But I had a Diagnosis .....I felt so bad and my belly was swollen the size of a nice watermelon..and oh yea even that jaundice and yellow eyes could be explained sometimes!!   It is the disease of addiction or better known around here as,,,,a Damn ole dope head... I am very lucky indeed to even be considered for the transplant list......so many others will never get that chance..... And I'll be in Nashville Tn. at Vanderbilt medical center First thing Monday morning!!!!

My liver has started making ammonia. This causes me to be crazier and more confused than normal...Its just one of the things that suck with a failing liver. I am starting to tolerate it much better than 6 months ago and Now I can't even hide behind ......lol  I'm crazy as hell naturally LOL!!!

Send Lawyers Guns and Money.....One more time!!

It looks like another month has finished beating on me....(oh poor me..lol )This little 28 day runt has certainly left some hard healing wounds on me and my soul to say the least.    I have court at 1pm tomorrow for being indicted on 1 count of sale of a schedule III drug..Hydrocodone. Found out that my own home county That I reside in, was also out to get this ole recovering junkie .So there went another 2000 dollars to the bail bondsman to pay my20K bail. But I am very thankful for his service........

3/4/13.... Gonna quit bitching for a minute. Went before the judge today and same thing happened that happen in the other county that I have charges pending. Just appointed me to the  public defender after finding out I was on disability due to being right below knee amputee, hepatitis C and advanced cirrhosis.   Dam I hate this. I don't have a clue whats going to go down with this, I am supposedly on camera selling a hydro to a dirtbag informant. If I know only one ounce of truth about me it is that I have NEVER sold a pill in my entire addiction career!! Buying pills?........ well that's a different story! I can remember buying loads of pills with the intent of selling some several times in the past, but I always wound up using every dam on of em!! LOL!! Just like the good addict that I am....lol,  Any way, So i am definitely staying with the truth. Not worrying bout this to much, I have an appointment at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville on Friday the 8th. I am fortunate enough to have a chance to be placed on the transplant list. My liver doc in Jackson has connections there and after my condition was reviewed by the docs, Hematologist at V'bilt, I was contacted immediately by them to "get to them asap" ! I'm ready, been sick as hell these last few weeks and some days I do feel like I am dying. Just taking it a day at a time.... 

When the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you Dies!

Well I'm back after my little stint with the kangaroo court system here. Went before the judge on Friday. All that was done then was him assigning me a public defender to represent me. I am charged in that county with Delivery of schedule lll drug, Buprenorphene  (suboxone). I was caught on camera in June of 2011, giving a suboxone to a low life snake in the grass slime ball chicken shit nark snitch, aka confidential Informant. This sick mother fucker called my girl and begged her to get me to give him some subs (suboxone) because he could not find any pills anywhere, and he was dope sick in withdrawals. He had to have some relief or in his own words" I'm gonna fucking die without help"......Oh how I wish the son of a bitch would have done just that!!! Any way I gave in and drove to the next county and gave him the "relief" he so needed. Horse shit! that sorry asshole filmed everything with a little camera in the button on his pocket that was placed there by the jerkwater USA's finest investigators which he had been working for since 2010. I am among many many more done the same way by this sorry fuck wad...............................That's just what this disease does. It works in every area of my life. I had been clean from I.V.morphine for almost 2 years when this went down. I knew it was wrong to do this. But this guy was supposedly hurting and was going to treatment, he just needed something to help him over the hump.That's what I felt. My disease had me again. This shit will rule and ruin your life......I am so fucking tired of being a drug addict. You don't have to be using for the disease of addiction to fuck your world up. What pisses me off is I know this and I still listened to it!  Putting dope in my veins was just a symptom of the real PROBLEM ....ME.!!! I am clean today, so that is all that matters...........................  My truck was also confiscated. so here I sit.Thats gonna cost more than I want to give but i will, have to have a way to go......I have way to much anger built up and that will get me nowhere, But I would sure love to get my hands on this slim bag........got to surrender these feelings or I know I will be in worse shape than I am now. There is sooooooo much more to this and it will come out...I was told when you write about problems you get them out and make room for new good things. Thats hard to believe right now,    even though I know it works.

Gold Coast frieghter bound for cotton fields........

Wow cant believe whats going on or what went on at Penn State. And of all people Joe. He is one of the most respectable and well liked and respected all over the country. Sometimes I think the whole world is sick to some degree. It just shows that using drugs and alcohol were only symptoms of my disease. Something was twisted out of proportion long before I took that first drink or drug. I used chemicals some use sex, porno, emotions and small children apparently to stop the pain.  And Like when my girlfriend of nearly five yrs left me for a woman, it seems so confusing to me how people get to that point. Like the child molesters and suddenly deciding you want to be with the same sex in a relationship seems crazy as hell to me, I do suppose I who put gallons of dope over the years in my veins and gave and gave to my addiction must seem like I am crazy as hell to those people. Regardless, any addiction will take everything and ruin your world. The people that are laid to the side by us are harmed in a bad way also. And they just wanted to help........Thank God I am at least clean and sober today!

Dream On

well it seems as this old junkie has screwed up another relationship. Think I'll change the name of this blog to the relationships of a recovering addict..lol. I kinda knew it was just an illusion. after all she is an addict herself. I do feel for her. Never have i met anyone that was so disconnected from  reality than she. Also the only person I have ever met that could out lie me!!!  Some of the stories she told me were right out of a dr suss book and she would swear on everything that was even remotely holy that it was the truth.  I swear it was like listen to a recording of myself 2 yrs ago.lol  We got to spend the weekend together and it was great. we stayed busy and talked alot. I listened alot and found out how she really felt about me. She would look me dead in the eye and say "I love you" that was the first mistake. We addicts avoid eye contact for a reason....our eyes are indeed the windows to our soul and we usually show our insecuries in them. I'm not going to take her inventory, mine is quiet sick enough some days. I am going to miss playing her game. Yea I still love to play games too but they get very old very quick now,  and it was nice to hear her say all those sweet things on the phone and in text messages. She is just not ready to surrrender that one pain that she feels will consume her if she ever lets it have enough power to come up and out. Its stufffed so far down it gives her the illusion that its not gonna hurt anymore in fact its a survival tool she thinks.  You can bet it will come out and it will come as a resentment. I have been right there and know what it feels and looks like on the face of a desperate dying addict. I looked at it every day in the mirror for too many years. I'm going to keep praying for her, thats the only thing I can do. And I will miss her very much......