Meeting Makers...Well, We All Know What They Say About Them...

My very First attempt at recovery and working with a sponsor or listening to anyone other than myself was a place I wanted no part of...lol.  I got a sponsor or a" person I thought I could get to co-sign my bullshit"..Ha..That's another story...Anyway this guy is still in my life today and has been a blessing to say the least. The first thing he told me was to call him every night at 10 pm and every morning at 6a.m. Didn't even mention step work.I had no idea what a step was for. I just wanted them to show me the secret handshake that would make me feel better.

The first suggestion was do not use no matter what ,when my knees knocked kneel, 90 meetings in 90 days. Hell I had learned that in rehab. So off I went "tap dancing" making sure everyone saw me and liked me. Living totally in my twisted mind...lol  At the time here in the mid-south, you may have to drive a lttle but you can make a meeting every other hour starting at 5 am and ending at 3 am, so  By day 45 I had already been to 101 meetings.I made sure everyone new it especially the guy that had suggested me to do it. He would smile and kinda scratch his head and simply ask which meting I was going to next that day/night or tomorrow.  I still remember seeing a number of people i would see at almost every meeting i attended and they had been around for a while...like years!  I remember thinking how odd that seemed at the time..lol   Twisted thinking!!

on day 90 I had went to 164 meetings in 90 days/nights. My sponsor new I was truthful and had attended every single one of them.He was at most of them himself. I remember him telling me there was a meeting at such and such place at 10;00 and that I needed to be there.I would say ok Ill ride with you that's on the other side of the city you can drive I'm tired and hungry we can stop and get a burger on the way.....STOP!! I didn't say that I needed to be there...I said you need to be there.The kids are with Valerie's mom & dad so Val and I are going to enjoy each other relaxing at home....   He had gotten clean in that area and at that time he had 7 yrs clean. all he had to do was ask someone that went to the same meting to verify. The fool i was would be hard to miss.   Great relationships were formed during this and I was introduced to what was soon to became my family.

That night after the meeting My sponsor and his other 2 sponcees and I went to eat pizza. A weekly event we still do. I missed several pizza nights due to my relapses..but no one ever gave up on me.

That night I payed for the pizza and as we were walking out sponsor put his arm across my shoulders and gave me a hug... told me he was proud of me.......But Now I had To Do What I Was Told To Do....He didn't tell me to go to 164 meetings in 90 days.....he Told Me To Go To 90 Meeting In 90 Days.but as he said it was just a suggestion...same as its suggested that you pull the rip cord on your parachute when you jump out of an airplane....He looked me in the eye and said this is about learning how to following directions...directions on how to do something that you do not have a clue on how to do it and if I didn't take directions from him or someone who had been right where I was, That more than likely I would die from this disease.... he told me he would be honored to freely give me directions on how to live my life clean and sober just like it that had been freely given to him.

Ya know...90 in 90 may just be what I need to do again...I know that practicing the willingness to do so will be an opportunity to surrender a little more.

I only need one meeting a week at this point in my recovery.....So I go to seven to make sure I don't miss the one I need!!

There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

My AA Sponsee Died of an Overdose

By Charlotte Grey, for Substance.com

Six months ago, my sister called to tell me that Kelly had died. My sister calls about three times a year. We've never been close. I figured she needed a place to crash her drunk ass after missing her train back to campus, again. I only answered because it was late and a tiny part of me was nervous that it might be serious.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances to addiction that I have practice at coping with grief. But this time, I got a call about someone I was meant to help.

She was sobbing hysterically on the phone, so the news came out in a high-pitched squeak: "Do you remember Kelly? She overdosed. She died. This morning. Her step-dad found her in her bed."

I did remember Kelly. She was a family friend and my sister's best friend growing up. She was a sweet, quiet girl, standing less than five feet tall, and with these bright blue eyes. Though somewhat shy, she had a warmth that drew people towards her. Also, she was a gifted artist.

It seemed surreal that she was gone.

Sadly, at nearly six years sober, I was used to this kind of thing. After all those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, including dozens of trips across the country, I have a network of literally thousands of people--all marked secretly in my phone with ellipses next to their first names.

This is an incredible resource. Knowing that there are so many people I can call helps me stay sober. But on the darker side, having this many friends and acquaintances who struggle with addiction means I end up at a lot of funerals.

Many people in AA relapse and never make it back. I've lost friends to fatal overdoses, suicide, car accidents, alcohol or drug-related chronic illness, heart-attacks and brain aneurysms.

But that didn't make hearing this news any easier.

There is always sadness and heartbreak. But it was different with Kelly: Two years earlier, she had been my sponsee.

"For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area."

In AA, a sponsor is a mentor who helps take a person (usually of the same gender) with less time sober through the 12 Steps, takes their phone calls, and offers them suggestions when needed. Sponsor-sponsee relationships have been some of the most intimate non-romantic relationships I've ever had. Guiding someone else through recovery is a unique experience that helps me as much as it helps them.

In the four years I've been sponsoring, I've worked with dozens of women--some for a couple of days, others for years. I've had up to four sponsees at any one time.

"It's not your fault," my sister reassured me. "She didn't want to get sober."

Thankfully, I've been in the program long enough to really believe this. I realize I did the best I could--devoting as much attention to Kelly as I did to every other sponsee. "If someone wants the message, you can't say the wrong thing," someone once said at a meeting. "If someone doesn't want the message, you can't say the right thing."

When I first started sponsoring women, I would blame myself if they didn't stay sober. But in time, I've learned that I can't force anyone to get help. "Hitting bottom," as they say in AA, is a personal experience and everyone must arrive there on his or her own timeline. I've seen many of my sponsees relapse, but most return to AA eventually, when they're really ready. Of the ones I've reconnected with now, most have at least a year sober.

Kelly was 19 when she first reached out to me. She had just gotten out of rehab and called my sister, who came to me and asked if I would help her get connected with the recovery community. Of course I agreed. Kelly called me that day and seemed excited that someone she knew was also in recovery.

She called me daily to check in and loved going to meetings, but I could see she wasn't quite ready to let go of her old lifestyle. Though she didn't drink or use drugs, she continued to go out partying with her old friends. She identified as an alcoholic, but she had one foot out the door.

When I think back on those first few months with Kelly I'm reminded of my own early sobriety. When I started attending meetings, I felt lost in a sea of new faces. I remember how anxious and uncertain I was. At my first ever meeting, I happened to run into a childhood friend--a chance encounter that was crucial in helping me feel safe at meetings. I asked her questions that seemed stupid to me at the time, like what is a sponsor? She was patient, answered my questions and made me feel at home. I had tried to do the same for Kelly.

But I had the willingness to stay sober and remain so until now. Kelly did not. I'll never know why.

"Charlotte, I don't know what I'd do if that was you," my sister blubbered over the phone, "Thank God you're sober!"

For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area. My close friend relapsed and died from the same laced batch weeks before Kelly got her hands on it. Both deaths were complete accidents. I constantly hear in meetings that even one relapse could lead to death. It seemed over-dramatic when I was newly sober. Now I've experienced enough loss to know it's true.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living.

The day I found out Kelly died, I didn't tell my employers why I needed a last-minute personal day. They may have already noticed that I attended a higher-than-average number of wakes, but I had never told them about my recovery.

Having lost so many friends and acquaintances in AA, I had my grieving down to a science: It involved a lot of crying. I cried to friends on the phone and in meetings. As an old-timer once told me: "The only way out is through" (in other words, you have to feel your feelings, no matter how painful).

When I felt lonely, I left my apartment and completed even basic routines, like shopping or doing laundry, in the company of a friend. I kept going to meetings and doing my 12-step work--answering calls from sponsees and showing up to meet with them.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living. I have to push through the discomfort and pain in this way, in order to preserve my sanity.

I travelled to Kelly's home town in New Jersey for the wake. I didn't plan to tell her family she had been in AA because one of the traditions in the program is anonymity. If Kelly's family didn't already know about her attempt at recovery, she might not have wanted them to.

I hadn't seen the family since my childhood, so I didn't expect them to remember me. But as I waited in line to view her body, Kelly's twin sister, Anna, and her mother and stepfather recognized me instantly. I could tell right away that they knew.

Breaking from the stiff formality of the occasion, they all hugged me in unison, thanked me through their tears, and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.

Anna and her mother told me stories about Kelly, and how she would talk constantly about AA. She was excited about recovery, and having me as her sponsor. For the time she was going to meetings and working the Steps, they said she seemed noticeably lighter and more peaceful.

I was floored, and overcome with gratitude to hear that our work had made an impact on her life.

I see every day how much sponsorship can help a person who stays sober. My first sponsee, Maria, and I started working together when she had just a few days sober, and was full of fear. Because of our similar histories, I was able to help her accept her painful past. She told me things she'd never told anyone--about childhood trauma, abusive relationships, cheating and psychiatric illness. I let her know that she wasn't alone. Though we no longer work together, she now has four years sober and we still talk on the phone sometimes. I can hear in her voice how much she's changed.

After talking to Kelly's family, I realized that sponsorship can also make a deep impact on someone who doesn't stay sober. Working with Kelly didn't save her life--but for a few months, it might have offered her hope.

Not everyone I reach out to will stay sober, and some might never come back. But the moment with Kelly's family at her wake renewed my determination to keep being there, as much as I can, for anyone who asks for my help.

But Something Touched Me Deeeeep Inside..The Day The Music Died.

I do not know why I put off writing. I guess I like to wallow around and obsess about my feelings. Then the compulsion to keep doing it sets in... and I go around and around until I'm spinning out of control. Out of control and alone with my feelings is one of the most dangerous places for me to be.
That is when I have learned that using some tools that I have been given to even the playing field or should I say the battle field, help me get back in the moment. I do not always pick these tools up when I need them. In fact when I'm obsessing and com-pulsing  over something, I forget about them.

That is why for me, it is important to have some kind of schedule of doing things for my recovery. When I show up at a scheduled time, the things (Tools) that I have put there are still there. Example. If I pray and meditate at a certain time daily, I know that from 5 to 6 a.m. daily that is where I'll be. Or, if I write in a journal nightly just before going to bed. I will be there nightly. I may write the date and time and nothing else, but I showed up. ..........doing this also puts structure to my life. Plus it builds accountability to myself and recovery.

anyway, back to the writing. When I put my thoughts and feelings down on paper where I can see them., it helps me to see patterns that I have developed. Then I can write about that. Pretty soon that weight starts to lift off of my shoulders, my backache is gone and my sinus actually feel more clear... and I can breath!!! There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we put "us" down on paper.

Clean jft

Lonesome on the Trail

This too Shall Pass..................and I am dam ready for it to!

I hear a lot in recovery about pain. I have experienced more pain than I ever knew existed while trying to learn how to live life without using dope. I swear it has ripped my soul out more times than I choose to recall. It has also made seek out relief in other means {(that were freely given to me)} than "something outside of myself that would change the way I feel"..............."when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change".........well I know for this struggling addict, that is only clean today because of the grace of God,....will change.             PAIN,  The great motivator.

This too shall pass.