No Angle Born In Hell Could Break That Satans Spell...But Can You still Teach Me How To Dance Real Slow

Its February 2, in the year 2015....And I'm still alive...Sure as hell didnt see that coming!!!   Just like everything else that I assume I have Control over, This to proves to the contrary. God, As only I understand him today, is the operator of this machine.

What a ride!!!  The last several months of my life have played out exactly as planned wheather I think so or not.  I was sick as hell with this Cirrhosis monster.for the most of the ending  months of 2014. In and out of hospitals, New meds, New symptoms, Old symptoms getting worse and basically loosing my mind in the process....I, the addict that I am will forget the misery that this disease caused me. Like thinking...."oh well I'm dying...whats the use??"   Bring on those marvelous (see how I can glorify the disease) pharmaceuticals...    That change the way I feel."   But Somewhere between my first day clean and that moment,, something changed in my thinking, that I, had not even realized. I had fought the fight of my life for the last 3 years...I had prayed to a Higher Power like my life depended on it weather I felt good or bad. I had got off my ass and showed up at meetings when my head was so full of despair and confusion (caused by a condition that goes with cirrhosis of the liver called Hepatic Encephalopathy, the liver starts making ammonia, very toxic to the brain) I was not sure why I was even there. 20 minutes earlier, I was waiting in the drive thru at the bank ordering food.  Only through Grace I did make it to a meeting none the less.  lived my live a day or even a minute at a time. Took suggestions from you and the doctors. Did what was done in the beginning when I was just as desperate and dying as I was then.........That first day, weeks, months whatever. Between then and that moment as I was saying...contemplating listen to that oh so to familiar voice in my head that will still say to me on cold nights or any given time, as I make my way to my truck to go to the grocery store or wal-mart  or a meeting......That tingle runs up my back and electric fire shoots out my finger tips and that feeling.... oh that feeling where I am most comfortable takes me over and the voice speaks "We ain't coming back home tonite...at least not alone"   ....... For this addict, dope is but a symptom of my real problem...Thats when I had a choice. Something that in active addiction that i did not have....I chose not to listen to the beast that i call my disease.  I was just simply tired of starting my life over every 2 weeks. I refused the drugs....just for that day is all I had to it.....I refused the drugs just for today...is all i have to do to experience what I never had before.  I have a life today. I am living with, no longer just dying from the disease of addiction.

I have a Power in me that is just as destructive and equally as deadly to me as my Higher Power is loving and caring and wants only good for me..... The one I give the most attention to is the one who is the main operator of this machine.

Clean JFT

My AA Sponsee Died of an Overdose

By Charlotte Grey, for Substance.com

Six months ago, my sister called to tell me that Kelly had died. My sister calls about three times a year. We've never been close. I figured she needed a place to crash her drunk ass after missing her train back to campus, again. I only answered because it was late and a tiny part of me was nervous that it might be serious.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances to addiction that I have practice at coping with grief. But this time, I got a call about someone I was meant to help.

She was sobbing hysterically on the phone, so the news came out in a high-pitched squeak: "Do you remember Kelly? She overdosed. She died. This morning. Her step-dad found her in her bed."

I did remember Kelly. She was a family friend and my sister's best friend growing up. She was a sweet, quiet girl, standing less than five feet tall, and with these bright blue eyes. Though somewhat shy, she had a warmth that drew people towards her. Also, she was a gifted artist.

It seemed surreal that she was gone.

Sadly, at nearly six years sober, I was used to this kind of thing. After all those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, including dozens of trips across the country, I have a network of literally thousands of people--all marked secretly in my phone with ellipses next to their first names.

This is an incredible resource. Knowing that there are so many people I can call helps me stay sober. But on the darker side, having this many friends and acquaintances who struggle with addiction means I end up at a lot of funerals.

Many people in AA relapse and never make it back. I've lost friends to fatal overdoses, suicide, car accidents, alcohol or drug-related chronic illness, heart-attacks and brain aneurysms.

But that didn't make hearing this news any easier.

There is always sadness and heartbreak. But it was different with Kelly: Two years earlier, she had been my sponsee.

"For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area."

In AA, a sponsor is a mentor who helps take a person (usually of the same gender) with less time sober through the 12 Steps, takes their phone calls, and offers them suggestions when needed. Sponsor-sponsee relationships have been some of the most intimate non-romantic relationships I've ever had. Guiding someone else through recovery is a unique experience that helps me as much as it helps them.

In the four years I've been sponsoring, I've worked with dozens of women--some for a couple of days, others for years. I've had up to four sponsees at any one time.

"It's not your fault," my sister reassured me. "She didn't want to get sober."

Thankfully, I've been in the program long enough to really believe this. I realize I did the best I could--devoting as much attention to Kelly as I did to every other sponsee. "If someone wants the message, you can't say the wrong thing," someone once said at a meeting. "If someone doesn't want the message, you can't say the right thing."

When I first started sponsoring women, I would blame myself if they didn't stay sober. But in time, I've learned that I can't force anyone to get help. "Hitting bottom," as they say in AA, is a personal experience and everyone must arrive there on his or her own timeline. I've seen many of my sponsees relapse, but most return to AA eventually, when they're really ready. Of the ones I've reconnected with now, most have at least a year sober.

Kelly was 19 when she first reached out to me. She had just gotten out of rehab and called my sister, who came to me and asked if I would help her get connected with the recovery community. Of course I agreed. Kelly called me that day and seemed excited that someone she knew was also in recovery.

She called me daily to check in and loved going to meetings, but I could see she wasn't quite ready to let go of her old lifestyle. Though she didn't drink or use drugs, she continued to go out partying with her old friends. She identified as an alcoholic, but she had one foot out the door.

When I think back on those first few months with Kelly I'm reminded of my own early sobriety. When I started attending meetings, I felt lost in a sea of new faces. I remember how anxious and uncertain I was. At my first ever meeting, I happened to run into a childhood friend--a chance encounter that was crucial in helping me feel safe at meetings. I asked her questions that seemed stupid to me at the time, like what is a sponsor? She was patient, answered my questions and made me feel at home. I had tried to do the same for Kelly.

But I had the willingness to stay sober and remain so until now. Kelly did not. I'll never know why.

"Charlotte, I don't know what I'd do if that was you," my sister blubbered over the phone, "Thank God you're sober!"

For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area. My close friend relapsed and died from the same laced batch weeks before Kelly got her hands on it. Both deaths were complete accidents. I constantly hear in meetings that even one relapse could lead to death. It seemed over-dramatic when I was newly sober. Now I've experienced enough loss to know it's true.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living.

The day I found out Kelly died, I didn't tell my employers why I needed a last-minute personal day. They may have already noticed that I attended a higher-than-average number of wakes, but I had never told them about my recovery.

Having lost so many friends and acquaintances in AA, I had my grieving down to a science: It involved a lot of crying. I cried to friends on the phone and in meetings. As an old-timer once told me: "The only way out is through" (in other words, you have to feel your feelings, no matter how painful).

When I felt lonely, I left my apartment and completed even basic routines, like shopping or doing laundry, in the company of a friend. I kept going to meetings and doing my 12-step work--answering calls from sponsees and showing up to meet with them.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living. I have to push through the discomfort and pain in this way, in order to preserve my sanity.

I travelled to Kelly's home town in New Jersey for the wake. I didn't plan to tell her family she had been in AA because one of the traditions in the program is anonymity. If Kelly's family didn't already know about her attempt at recovery, she might not have wanted them to.

I hadn't seen the family since my childhood, so I didn't expect them to remember me. But as I waited in line to view her body, Kelly's twin sister, Anna, and her mother and stepfather recognized me instantly. I could tell right away that they knew.

Breaking from the stiff formality of the occasion, they all hugged me in unison, thanked me through their tears, and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.

Anna and her mother told me stories about Kelly, and how she would talk constantly about AA. She was excited about recovery, and having me as her sponsor. For the time she was going to meetings and working the Steps, they said she seemed noticeably lighter and more peaceful.

I was floored, and overcome with gratitude to hear that our work had made an impact on her life.

I see every day how much sponsorship can help a person who stays sober. My first sponsee, Maria, and I started working together when she had just a few days sober, and was full of fear. Because of our similar histories, I was able to help her accept her painful past. She told me things she'd never told anyone--about childhood trauma, abusive relationships, cheating and psychiatric illness. I let her know that she wasn't alone. Though we no longer work together, she now has four years sober and we still talk on the phone sometimes. I can hear in her voice how much she's changed.

After talking to Kelly's family, I realized that sponsorship can also make a deep impact on someone who doesn't stay sober. Working with Kelly didn't save her life--but for a few months, it might have offered her hope.

Not everyone I reach out to will stay sober, and some might never come back. But the moment with Kelly's family at her wake renewed my determination to keep being there, as much as I can, for anyone who asks for my help.

You Have sent the maid home early Like a thousand times before

Well , I have not written here in quiet a while. Its not that nothing has been happening in my life, I just have not written even though I have had plenty to write about. I'm just going through a super lazy spell .....I wish that was it.  I have developed insomnia in a way that I have never known. Although I consider it dam near crippling at times, My Hematologist suggest that its perfectly normal. To not worry about it. And to not drive...lol  what??

With Cirrhosis of the liver, there is a disorder, Heptic Encephalopathy. Its one of the components that result from Portal Vein Hypertension..........Oh  nuff about these medical terms. In other words It makes you extreamly sleepy !  I pass out more or less, then, when I awake at 11:pm, ready to go to sleep..IT is Impossible! I have a pretty good routine now after several months of this happening over and over. I sit up all night. Lay down at 5;00 am. Up at 6;30 am.  Then I nod all dam day and probally accumalate another 2 to 3 hours sleep. Then it starts all over again. .So I just haven't felt like writing.  Plus my ex and I are working very hard on trying to rebuild our relationship.  At least when I'm awake lol !!!

She called about 3 weeks ago and wanted to know everything that was going on with me. Said she wanted to let me know that she was there for me anytime...I have no idea why this one woman has the power to break my heart into a million tiny pieces and I still will love her with every single little piece till she puts me back together. We tried this once before and had no luck. She said she had no idea how to explain to others what we have. It cant be told with words and I agree with her. We definitely have something that draws us back together. All he have to do is make eye contact. Both of our minds and hearts were ready to do this again. This is so dam crazy!!!!  I just don't know so this is turned over to God...I simply can not come up with anything on what the next step should be...Let him handle the results...

As You Step out Into The Night....Take a Lesson From the Trees...watch How They Learn to Bend With Each Breeze......Little Victories

I sure wish I had known I was going to live this long....Because I would have sure taken much better care of myself.

Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course.  Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.

Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,,  lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction  was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.

I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.

When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!!  YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house,  more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!

I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.

But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol

I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One  day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn.  That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or  An amputated Leg.

I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa,  and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.

I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time.   The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........


clean jft

For 3 Stange Days

I'm still here and still CLEAN!!  Have had a bunch of test and procedures done. If I didn't know better I would swear this bunch of  med professionals are trying their best to save my life..lol  Dam good bunch that's for sure.

My liver has reached a point of leveling off. It seems the cirrhosis has stopped or my liver started working a little more. I have been sick like I had no idea a human could get. My enzymes are still off the chart but functions show that my liver is doing what it's suppose to just in a very mi-nute way. I'll take it though.

I have not found it necessary to use through all of this and that is Gods doing for sure. I always do come through the hardest time without even thinking about using. Its those everyday "life on life's terms" situations that will put me back out there in a second if I'm not spiritually fit. So I'm still doing what I did in the beginning...and it works just as it did back  then.

clean jft

All In One Word

Its Not Stressful when I slow down and follow directions.... Good Orderly Directions.

Just don't feel it today

The holidays are especially difficult for people living with an addiction. Depression is a common holiday addiction trigger, and people who are trying to recover may feel a familiar pull to return to old behaviors when the pressures seem overwhelming. It's important to be aware of what may trigger an addiction response so that trigger situations can be avoided. Keep in mind that addictions are behaviors that are out of control and that an addict cannot control the behavior without help.

Addiction Triggers

For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.

Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.

Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.

How to Cope

Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.

1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.

2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.

3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.

4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.

Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.

Talk About Things That Nobody Cares

"Dam.... What model higher power is that?",  "model #666"?,,,,.....  "lol....When are you ever gona learn"?!!

That was a quote made to me, by my sponsor I had at the time some 10 years ago. It was followed by a hearty .. "Ya know Jerry,...You are going to go oh so far in this program of recovery....... Because you have sooooooooooo far to go!!!!....lol "   I had to laugh myself. I had just brought the "next love of my life,... ( a    f lamming co-dependent and a super great person) to meet him.    Oh my....That was NOT a good choice!

This is just one more of my character defects that I must work on constantly it seems. Especially at times like the present when I am licking my wounds after another failed relationship. I could have sworn I was entirely ready for God to remove this defect a long time ago......I guess not???   I can hear those words of wisdom that were spoken to me long ago loud and clear today. " You need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you go looking for one with someone else"..... "Especially as bad as you run to others i.e. members of the opposite sex,..when you are in pain"!!!  What worked at the beginning will work now too!

Thank God for the other addicts just like me!!!

another day clean. JFT

All that you are feeling right now is silly human pride

Boy I have thoroughly beat the hell out of myself today. Been busy in my head and haven't done a dam thing but eat to much junk food and now I feel horrible. Every one I talked to or tried to talk to today was in the same boat as me. Oh and that fueled the twisters between my ears to get busy!!  I'm tied up in a hundred knots. mad as hell for allowing myself to get sucked in this nothingness yet again.  I would get tree top high if I thought it would help. Been here to many times and tried that to many times before. I cant find one reason not to use, so I'm not going to anyway. Maybe it'll piss this disease off. I would really like that alot!! 
Have thought about ways to make some money. Mine is pretty much depleted, so i really need for that to be my priority. Jobs here are all but non existent. I really want to stay here since i met her though. Plus the main reason I came back here was to be near my daughter and grand daughters and even the son-in-law,,,, well.. There is just not any dirt being moved around here. I am open to a career change and I need to really start looking hard at that......Man it is a bitch starting your life from scratch at the age of 47. Hell I had a lot better plan and hold on my future when I was 17 right out of high school than I do now.. I'm just gonna keep showing up for life everyday, do what is put in front of me to do and keep asking God to show me what I am suppose to do.... I wish I was just a little more confident in all this... Got to have faith... those words are so easy to tell someone else. Now I'm telling myself.
I really need to see my girl friend tonight. ...and she just called and needs to see me....that worked perfect!!  and I didnt have a hand in it anywhere. lol

How long to the point of no return

Its 2:53 in the morning. I should be asleep or at the very least sleepy...Was up most of the night last night with my back hurting... Pulled a muscle on my left side and it only hurts when I blink. Have had so much on my mind the past few days.   I am wanting to get on with my life.  Not worried about getting anything back or things being like they were before...I do not want things like before!!!  Who in there right mind would want that hell....No , I'm ready to get on wiyh a new life. One that I dont have a clue what to do. One that I will have to let my higher power do the navagation. And I suppose I will get when he is ready,,,, No when he desides that I am ready to handle it.  I have been trying since 1993 for some of these sayings in recovery to make sence to me and for me to want to apply them in my life. I do have a few that I live by today ,,they are that important to me...not just nice things to say at meetings so everyone would like me and be in awe about my recovery....It took me along time to recoginize those people didnt come to that meeting and single me out as there way to recovery.  My ego is about 1000 times bigger than it should be. You should have seen the size of it when I first started coming around these rooms!!!  LOL  Yes it was quiet a shock when I found out that what I thought was words of wisdom that you needed to here coming out of my mouth was a desperate dying addict crying for help......and the people around those tables didnt care what i was saying , they were just glad I showed up...They loved me till i could love myself.....then they told me to shut the hell up and listen!!!   No that came long before I was able to love myself let me tell ya. The people in these rooms taught me how to live my life without drugs, to open my mind to the chance that there might be a power greater than me...and even though I could not see it, it was there and had the power to remove the obsession to use drugs from me. God as I understand him got me clean and keeps me clean on a daily basis...The people in these rooms all over the world teach me how to carry on and live my life when I am clean, without my veins full of dope... and to remind me that I only have a daily repreve from the insanity of addiction. I am constantly only one fix, drink, pill away from the blackness and nothingness of active addiction......to offer free what was so freely given to me to the newcomer and the addict that still suffers....I have gained that attitude of gratitude that will keep any addict from useing just for today... I love and I am grateful for this fellowship, this program and my higher power whom i choose to call God...not necessarily in that order and if no one has not told you today that they love you, I do, I love you too.