Meeting Makers...Well, We All Know What They Say About Them...

My very First attempt at recovery and working with a sponsor or listening to anyone other than myself was a place I wanted no part of...lol.  I got a sponsor or a" person I thought I could get to co-sign my bullshit"..Ha..That's another story...Anyway this guy is still in my life today and has been a blessing to say the least. The first thing he told me was to call him every night at 10 pm and every morning at 6a.m. Didn't even mention step work.I had no idea what a step was for. I just wanted them to show me the secret handshake that would make me feel better.

The first suggestion was do not use no matter what ,when my knees knocked kneel, 90 meetings in 90 days. Hell I had learned that in rehab. So off I went "tap dancing" making sure everyone saw me and liked me. Living totally in my twisted mind...lol  At the time here in the mid-south, you may have to drive a lttle but you can make a meeting every other hour starting at 5 am and ending at 3 am, so  By day 45 I had already been to 101 meetings.I made sure everyone new it especially the guy that had suggested me to do it. He would smile and kinda scratch his head and simply ask which meting I was going to next that day/night or tomorrow.  I still remember seeing a number of people i would see at almost every meeting i attended and they had been around for a while...like years!  I remember thinking how odd that seemed at the time..lol   Twisted thinking!!

on day 90 I had went to 164 meetings in 90 days/nights. My sponsor new I was truthful and had attended every single one of them.He was at most of them himself. I remember him telling me there was a meeting at such and such place at 10;00 and that I needed to be there.I would say ok Ill ride with you that's on the other side of the city you can drive I'm tired and hungry we can stop and get a burger on the way.....STOP!! I didn't say that I needed to be there...I said you need to be there.The kids are with Valerie's mom & dad so Val and I are going to enjoy each other relaxing at home....   He had gotten clean in that area and at that time he had 7 yrs clean. all he had to do was ask someone that went to the same meting to verify. The fool i was would be hard to miss.   Great relationships were formed during this and I was introduced to what was soon to became my family.

That night after the meeting My sponsor and his other 2 sponcees and I went to eat pizza. A weekly event we still do. I missed several pizza nights due to my relapses..but no one ever gave up on me.

That night I payed for the pizza and as we were walking out sponsor put his arm across my shoulders and gave me a hug... told me he was proud of me.......But Now I had To Do What I Was Told To Do....He didn't tell me to go to 164 meetings in 90 days.....he Told Me To Go To 90 Meeting In 90 Days.but as he said it was just a suggestion...same as its suggested that you pull the rip cord on your parachute when you jump out of an airplane....He looked me in the eye and said this is about learning how to following directions...directions on how to do something that you do not have a clue on how to do it and if I didn't take directions from him or someone who had been right where I was, That more than likely I would die from this disease.... he told me he would be honored to freely give me directions on how to live my life clean and sober just like it that had been freely given to him.

Ya know...90 in 90 may just be what I need to do again...I know that practicing the willingness to do so will be an opportunity to surrender a little more.

I only need one meeting a week at this point in my recovery.....So I go to seven to make sure I don't miss the one I need!!

There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

I'v Got Wild Stareing Eyes and I have a Stong Erge to Fly...But I have No where To Fly to...

  Time to stop carrying this load  around with me. This heavy load of "what the hell if "  Has about broken my back and caused me alot of suffering that did not have to be.

 Found out Friday  That the HCV has cleared my system, It  is no longer detectable!!!!  Not totally out of the woods..I still have 35 more days of treatment the the 3 months test to see if I am still HCV clear.. Its still a dam good thing and I do not have very many dam good things that happen in my life, so its very big to me!!!!

However being clean and sober today...Is all I need.



jft

I've Seen The Bright Lights of Memphis and The Comador Hotel

All that I ever wanted, after keeping recovery first in my life, was/is a healthy relationship. Someone to love and someone to love me back. What is so dam wrong with that!!!??  I can count on one hand the serious relationships I have had in my life. I only need one finger however to count the one that means something so special to me, that a day very seldom goes by without something happening that reminds me of it . The one that WAY to many special memories were made to ever forget about. I just do not know why it does not work....This last time we went 3 years without seeing , speaking to each other. I would ask others that she worked with or were friends of hers, how she was doing and she would do the same with people that new me and my daughter which still speak to each other pretty often.

The minute we saw each other this time, It was on again. We talked to each other everyday and shared that this time we were going to go slow....Actually date again and go from there. We went out only on the weekends. And talked and laugh on the phone every day and night. Told each other we loved each other every time we talked. It felt really good..her words, eyes and smile said the same....I have no clue now what will be.....but I have a pretty good idea looking at our history.

She knows all about my Cirrhosis and knows how that shit has beat the hell out of me. And is not finished with me yet. I am worried and afraid of what is to come with this horrible shit!! That was the first thing she said when we saw each other this time. That if I ever need to talk she was a phone call a way.

I'm not going to lie......This shook the hell out of me at a time when I do not need shaking!!!!!!!Stll do not know why life is like it is.......there should be a better balance .. I have had enough of sickness, addiction, fucked up people, being unemployable and especially this gone to shit attitude I have !!!!  All I Wanted Was a Healthy Relationship.  ..................To Love Someone And Be There For them To Lean On,.....and To Be Loved and Have Someone There for Me To Lean On .......I have been around enough , I have met hundreds of very fine, good people and have made friendships that are priceless......Plus my share of sons of bitches, gold diggers, whores, racketeers, thieves and cons......... So I am Scheduled to be 50 yrs old on July 22, 2014........I learned the hard way and I did find the one I wanted to go through time with.....However ,God has other plans. 

I am clean and sober and for the rest of this day I am not going to drink or use. When the morning comes and I do what I did today, There is a dam good chance I won't find it necessary to drink or use tomorrow.


Be careful with relationships in recovery. Get a Sponsor and let him guide you ..........this is with no doubt the hardest thing to deal with since being in recovery.........Please listen to someone.

clean/jft

As You Step out Into The Night....Take a Lesson From the Trees...watch How They Learn to Bend With Each Breeze......Little Victories

I sure wish I had known I was going to live this long....Because I would have sure taken much better care of myself.

Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course.  Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.

Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,,  lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction  was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.

I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.

When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!!  YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house,  more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!

I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.

But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol

I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One  day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn.  That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or  An amputated Leg.

I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa,  and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.

I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time.   The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........


clean jft

I kept the right ones out...and let the wrong ones in.

I feel pretty good today for some reason..Not going to question it to much..although that is what I am really good at..Dam near a pro!... it also helps me stay sick.

This dam cirrhosis seems to make me feel sick all the time and has for a while now. It doesn't prevent me from thinking positive. There is good days and bad days in every dis-ease that exist.  I'll be the first to tell ya, especially on the bad days that I catch myself thinking I am hopeless...I will never feel better..This is as good as it gets...My dis-ease loves this type of thinking. I know it has me then, just as my disease knows.  Recovery stops and addict behavior starts. Even though I may have "justification for feeling not-so-u- to- Parr".. does not mean I have "justification to lay down" mentally. ...This is when this addict has to do anything but....and sometimes I get paralyzed with fear, when I do not instinctively now how to handle this..Yet......Recovery from the day to day destruction I put myself thru takes time...So do the NEW things that come along since / when  I chose to live life.. on life's terms.

I am so grateful for the good days...but they would not exists  if it were not for the bad ones.


clean jft

All In One Word

Its Not Stressful when I slow down and follow directions.... Good Orderly Directions.

Just don't feel it today

The holidays are especially difficult for people living with an addiction. Depression is a common holiday addiction trigger, and people who are trying to recover may feel a familiar pull to return to old behaviors when the pressures seem overwhelming. It's important to be aware of what may trigger an addiction response so that trigger situations can be avoided. Keep in mind that addictions are behaviors that are out of control and that an addict cannot control the behavior without help.

Addiction Triggers

For many people, there isn't any one, specific holiday addiction trigger. With drug addiction, the brain and body chemistry are addicted as well as the mind itself, so the body will crave drugs; however, a physiological addiction is more complicated as it involves an addiction of the mind.

Psychologists note that compulsive, addictive behaviors can be triggered by emotional stress, financial pressures, complicated family relationships, depression or anxiety, loneliness and other negative feelings. The holidays are a time when a lot of people come together and the stress of so many social obligations can be too much for an addict to cope with.

Compound that with the stress of paying for gifts, travel expenses, food and other holidays-related costs, anxiety about how things will unfold, past issues and more, and an addict will face a constant struggle to keep away from compulsive behaviors and, without help, may eventually succumb.

How to Cope

Knowing what situations will trigger addictive behaviors is a key to avoiding problems. According to psychologists, addiction is something you recover from, not something you stop.

1. Be honest with yourself: Addicts often cover their behavior with lying--to themselves and others. Coping with addition means being honest that there is a problem and help is needed.

2. Learn new ways to deal: Many people fall into addictions because they had habits that got out of control – like drinking to relax or cope with stress or to forget. Replace old habits and ways of dealing with problems with new, healthy ones.

3. Avoid risky circumstances: People, places and things can all be triggers for addicts. If there is a specific person, a location or a circumstance that has been a trigger-point in the past, avoid it completely. Gracefully bow out of social functions that will cause problems and stay away from people who present stresses.

4. Be fearless about seeking intervention: Recovering from addiction is a life-long process, but accountability has proven to be one way to help keep addicts from relapsing. Alcoholics Anonymous and other relationship-based programs help addicts get through tough times, but putting them into healthy relationships where they can be honest about their struggles and seek helpful advice. Friends and family may also be an option if relationships are healthy and won't trigger addiction problems. Being able to lean on someone who can provide strength and support and understanding will help during times of weakness.

Many people don't understand addiction or what motivates an addict. Being aware of what behaviors are or may become an addition is a first step in recovering from life-controlling addictions. Remember, a habit is a choice, an addiction is not.

Talk About Things That Nobody Cares

"Dam.... What model higher power is that?",  "model #666"?,,,,.....  "lol....When are you ever gona learn"?!!

That was a quote made to me, by my sponsor I had at the time some 10 years ago. It was followed by a hearty .. "Ya know Jerry,...You are going to go oh so far in this program of recovery....... Because you have sooooooooooo far to go!!!!....lol "   I had to laugh myself. I had just brought the "next love of my life,... ( a    f lamming co-dependent and a super great person) to meet him.    Oh my....That was NOT a good choice!

This is just one more of my character defects that I must work on constantly it seems. Especially at times like the present when I am licking my wounds after another failed relationship. I could have sworn I was entirely ready for God to remove this defect a long time ago......I guess not???   I can hear those words of wisdom that were spoken to me long ago loud and clear today. " You need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you go looking for one with someone else"..... "Especially as bad as you run to others i.e. members of the opposite sex,..when you are in pain"!!!  What worked at the beginning will work now too!

Thank God for the other addicts just like me!!!

another day clean. JFT

I am still living with your ghost!!

I am as sick as I can ever remember... This ole tore up liver is letting me know how bad I treated it and he is pissed off big time!!! Thank God above and some GREAT physicians that treated a sick man... Not a low life addict.. So many times in the past I would go to doctors and tell them something is wrong with me I just know it...After a little history was taken and The words RECOVERING ADDICT came out....well, my time was done and so was his, hers...But I had a Diagnosis .....I felt so bad and my belly was swollen the size of a nice watermelon..and oh yea even that jaundice and yellow eyes could be explained sometimes!!   It is the disease of addiction or better known around here as,,,,a Damn ole dope head... I am very lucky indeed to even be considered for the transplant list......so many others will never get that chance..... And I'll be in Nashville Tn. at Vanderbilt medical center First thing Monday morning!!!!

My liver has started making ammonia. This causes me to be crazier and more confused than normal...Its just one of the things that suck with a failing liver. I am starting to tolerate it much better than 6 months ago and Now I can't even hide behind ......lol  I'm crazy as hell naturally LOL!!!

How long to the point of no return

Its 2:53 in the morning. I should be asleep or at the very least sleepy...Was up most of the night last night with my back hurting... Pulled a muscle on my left side and it only hurts when I blink. Have had so much on my mind the past few days.   I am wanting to get on with my life.  Not worried about getting anything back or things being like they were before...I do not want things like before!!!  Who in there right mind would want that hell....No , I'm ready to get on wiyh a new life. One that I dont have a clue what to do. One that I will have to let my higher power do the navagation. And I suppose I will get when he is ready,,,, No when he desides that I am ready to handle it.  I have been trying since 1993 for some of these sayings in recovery to make sence to me and for me to want to apply them in my life. I do have a few that I live by today ,,they are that important to me...not just nice things to say at meetings so everyone would like me and be in awe about my recovery....It took me along time to recoginize those people didnt come to that meeting and single me out as there way to recovery.  My ego is about 1000 times bigger than it should be. You should have seen the size of it when I first started coming around these rooms!!!  LOL  Yes it was quiet a shock when I found out that what I thought was words of wisdom that you needed to here coming out of my mouth was a desperate dying addict crying for help......and the people around those tables didnt care what i was saying , they were just glad I showed up...They loved me till i could love myself.....then they told me to shut the hell up and listen!!!   No that came long before I was able to love myself let me tell ya. The people in these rooms taught me how to live my life without drugs, to open my mind to the chance that there might be a power greater than me...and even though I could not see it, it was there and had the power to remove the obsession to use drugs from me. God as I understand him got me clean and keeps me clean on a daily basis...The people in these rooms all over the world teach me how to carry on and live my life when I am clean, without my veins full of dope... and to remind me that I only have a daily repreve from the insanity of addiction. I am constantly only one fix, drink, pill away from the blackness and nothingness of active addiction......to offer free what was so freely given to me to the newcomer and the addict that still suffers....I have gained that attitude of gratitude that will keep any addict from useing just for today... I love and I am grateful for this fellowship, this program and my higher power whom i choose to call God...not necessarily in that order and if no one has not told you today that they love you, I do, I love you too.