Don't think Twice It's Alrght

Well, I haven't written anything for a while.  And It's surely not because I have nothing to write about. Or should I say , Need To Write About!  This writing thing is a huge tool in my program. It has helped get all the crap out of my head and make room for the good or Great stuff that  absolutely surrounds us everywhere. Its just the way we think about things sometimes that make situations seem to be here to stay.

As it is said "The only constant in life is change". Not going to get to deep into that right now nor anytime. Because you can talk and theorize for hours , perhaps even days and you will always come back to the same thing.."The Only Constant In Life Is Change". I had a sponsor once that attempted to show me... A day of someone alert enough to his surroundings and that takes nothing for granted, had the ability to teach this ole foggy sole a lesson that will be with me till I am no more of this earth.  So  Yes...We Do Change. Every addict no matter how bad can change!

Now, I have a lil trash to dump. As most of you know I have Cirrhosis of the Liver. Secondary to HCV which was secondary to blood I received in 1979. I lost my right leg below the knee and dam near lost the left one also. I received tons of blood and blood products (over 100 units in a 4 month stay in ICU) Of course in 79 they didn't screen for Hep c because they had no idea what it was. If you died from it or developed symptoms you were labeled Non A B.  Anyway my symptoms eventually stopped me in my tracks in Nov. 2013. I was treated with triple therapy. That stuff came very very close to killing me. I went septic so bad I only had a slight chance to live....But they didn't have a clue who they were messing with! lol...so In September 2013 I was chosen to receive the new Hep c drugs. Olysio and Salvaldi. I cleared hep c in 12 weeks of therapy. But my liver was crapping out. That stuff is hard on all your organs.

My old diseased liver continued to De-compensate over the next 3 yrs. Man I was sick as a dog every single day! Now here's the kicker or perhaps the blessing in my situation, With Cirrhosis you get NO pain meds at all. My doc lets me take 2 Tylenol twice a day. ...Now back to what I was bitchin about. I am on the transplant list but due to my lengthy I.V. drug abuse I will only get to the top 5 in the nation. And I shouldn't deserve that. Anyway I got to hurting so miserably I went to my local e.r. The immediately flew me to Vanderbilt in Nashville, where I am on list and have all the workups done. After a couple of days they found that the hepC had returned and my liver was super small and very Nodular. Its not regenerating nor making new cells that live longer than a couple hrs. Looked like I was pretty much tits up this time.

I was started on Ribavirn and Harvoni.  This makes me feel worse than ever. And absolute no sleep at night at all. I sleep when I can usually 2 hrs at a time. I am suppose to be on this therapy  for 24 weeks instead of the usual 12. they say its due to my liver not metabolizing enough of the drug to help so I need to be on a longer regimen. 

Thanks for letting me dump all this...I don't have to many people coming around to see me anymore ...Most if not all friends I have live hundreds of miles away.I left home in 1982 and started a career in Heavy Civil Construction. I made friends at the many many jobs at worked at or supervised. Some still keep in touch but I miss the work and the adventures on the road.

Hope you all stay clean no matter what....Things always change...That Light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train no-more!!!  See...I told ya.....Cause someone else told me!!

 

 

"

There Aint No Easy Way Out....Looks Like an Excellent Opportunity To Surrender

I made it through yet one more time. Weekend before last, Friday night at about 11:30 p.m. a blood vessel rupture (Gastric Varises) in my stomach.By Saturday morning I was sick and so weak that I couldn't even walk. Had no idea I was bleeding out internally. Thats when there was no more room in my belly for any more blood. My digestive system reversed all gears! All that blood came out. Not gonna get to in depth in describing this part. You get the Idea.

Luckily I was at my mothers house. The doctors told me to not stay alone because of what just had happened to me was happening. Got in her van somehow and off we went to the ER. Should have called 911, Bad mistake on my part. But hey, I'm notorious for making bad decisions Lol !!  Got to the ER and was immediately rushed to a room. Then x-ray and then to the O.R. 

Woke up sometime Monday afternoon with what felt like a dull wooden dagger stuck in my abdomen. I had  IV's in both arms and one in my neck. I had to have 3 units of whole blood and 2 of platelets.They put a band on the vessel that had ruptured by EG scope down my throat. No cutting on the outside. But I felt like I had been cut in half and was very surprised to discover no bandages, Just a pain from hell!! 

so they immediately IV'ed with my drug of choice and nothing happened.
No relief and No rush. They did finally get enough in me to relieve me some. I could have it every 3 hrs. and I got it every 3 hrs for the next 4 days and nights. My disease was working hard on me with the fact that I was getting medicine not dope. My burnt brain can not distinguish the difference.

Since this cirrhosis  has progressed, I have had some very bad times with very bad intense pain. I stayed in almost constant contact with my sponsor and others in recovery. I actually made it through some events and did not have to have any pain meds. My mother has control of the meds and she makes sure I only get them AS DIRECTED !

Anyway, I have improved greatly and the doctor says I am healing fine. However I am as sick with addiction as ever. I started using again. My doctors, all of them from my Primary Care doc to The Transplant Team Knew I am a recovering addict from day one. I informed them of all my addiction issues and they work with me not against me. They have been Great through all of this.However  I am still the one responsible for my recovery.  And the reason i picked up was simply because I wanted to. I through away all those years of daily work. It has given me a chance to get to a level of surrender that I must go to if I want to stay clean. I thought I had surrendered everything. But for this addict I have to go a little deeper.  God saw fit to get me through this alive and I am very Grateful to be here. Thanks to God and all of you in these rooms, who have shared with me there recovery and what they do to stay clean Just For Today.

Now I get another chance to do something different. They way I was doing it did not work or I would have not picked up if it did. Thanks again to God, the recovery programs and fellowship of AA and NA and all of you who show up at these meetings to share what worked for you with a desperate dying addict like me.  Very simple.....is it not????

Jerry

ONE PILL.......or........TWELVE STEPS ?????? Just Keep It Simple...That Part Is ALREADY Proven

By Jodi Sh. Doff for The Fix

Who needs AA when you've got naltrexone? Anyone with a screaming void in their core that they've filled with alcohol, of course. People have strong feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous--it's that program we love or hate, it's everything or it's nothing. A recent Atlantic article that lauded the drug naltrexone while denigrating 12-step recovery is part of the growing firestorm of anti-Alcoholics Anonymousism.

Naltrexone was developed 20 years ago to treat drug addiction because of the way it competed with opium, heroin, and morphine for the opioid receptors in the brain--those tiny little receptors that can bring you oh-so-much pleasure, or so much pain. Based on the theory that if it could also stop the endorphins released by alcohol from reaching those same opiate receptors, it would reduce your urge to drink and gradually your cravings would subside. You'd learn to control your consumption and be free of your alcoholism, right?

But craving Georgi or Jameson isn't the problem. Stopping is not the problem. And really, even drinking is not the problem. Drinking, as every alcoholic knows, was the solution. Alcohol helped us feel whatever it was we didn't: brave, beautiful, handsome, smart, funny, enough, attractive, older, younger, bigger...better. Even those of us who wound up vomiting it all up on ourselves remembered the part where it made us feel better for a while. When it worked, booze made the pain go away. It made us more of who we wanted to be.

Most alcoholics don't even start thinking about rehab, or detox, or AA until the day comes when they drink and it doesn't work. When that happens, if you're an alcoholic, you'll take another drink, and another, and another because if the booze has really stopped working, it's just you and that overflowing barge of shame and garbage and fear floating around inside you. When the booze stops working, you are left with no way to quell that screaming void in your core. That, my friend, is a problem.

Naltrexone stops the booze from working--it speeds up the inevitable.

You can't take away a person's solution--even one that doesn't work anymore--without offering them something else, some other way to handle whatever the problem was that left booze as the solution. Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't claim to be the only way to stop drinking for everyone, but for millions of alcoholics AA has been that something else that has made the post-booze difference between a life worth living and one that is not. The spiritual aspect of AA--what detractors label religious or cultish--the part that all the finger-pointing always seems to focus on, is not necessarily religion or prayer. Some recovering alcoholics are active in organized religion, attending services at their church, temple, mosque, or synagogue. Others find they're more comfortable with something smaller or more intimate such as private prayer, a regular yoga practice, nature walks, meditation, or music.

It can be as simple as being part of a recovery community--a gathering together with people who are alike in one essential way: they understand what it feels like to need a drink, several drinks, something, anything, to get through, sometimes, something as simple as putting on your makeup. When people of like purpose gather together, they're stronger. That's simply a fact. You see it in the success of everything from cancer support groups and bereavement groups to armies. Recovering alcoholics in AA come together in that place where no matter what our outside circumstances, our inner lives intersect. This is the place in our lives where we need support, we learn to accept someone else's experience and advice, where we come to know for sure that we're not the only one out there struggling with fear, darkness, alcohol, self-loathing or self-doubt.

You'd better believe if we could do it alone, we would. If we could take a pill, or an injection, or slap on a patch and be done with it, we would. What's missing from most medical equations is that "bridge back to life" part those AAers are always going on about. What the alcoholic needs help with more than putting down the drink is living life without the drink. Sans buffer between ourselves and the outside world, and even more so, between ourselves and our inner world. The inability to be in one's own skin is a hallmark of the stories you hear repeated when you listen to alcoholics talk about life without a drink. The drink enabled us to do that, wear our own skin out in the world.

In general, alcoholics haven't a single clue how to just be in a social situation without booze, or pot, or Valium or something; how to be comfortable in their own skin and not drown in self-hate or shame. Alcoholics Anonymous is a set of instructions for how to get through the process, heal, and then pass the knowledge on by helping someone else going through the same thing. Those instructions are best passed on through the community--the fellowship--of recovering alcoholics who have already done the work. More than a century before Bill Wilson met Dr. Bob Smith, before either of them were even born, Native Americans had "sobriety circles" and encouraged recovering alcoholics to come together and get in touch with their ancestral heritage and beliefs. They understood that the alcoholic needs something bigger to believe in to stay sober, and bigger is only defined as bigger than the alcoholic themselves. The "we" part of the equation.

The program of AA as written down in the Big Book was the culmination of centuries of trial and error. There have always been cures and solutions--and what the right answer is depends on who you ask, and when.

oAncient Greeks crafted wine glasses from amethysts believing that the gemstone would keep them from getting drunk. #AncientGreekFail

oInebriate asylums combined forced abstinence with opium, morphine, cocaine, ether, and chloroform to treat alcoholics and addicts in the 1860s. #BetterLivingThruChemistry #Fail

oThe option of pre-frontal lobotomies as a cure began in 1935. Think: Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. #RandallMcMurphyFail

oThe mid-1900s gave birth to Hazelden, the Minnesota Model, and the introduction of barbiturates, amphetamines, and hallucinogenics to treat alcoholism, as well as aversion therapy with Antabuse. The Hazelden model has worked for a lot of people, but better living through the wonders of LSD? #TimothyLearyFail

Designed to take you one step at a time, like babies learning to walk for the first time, each step builds on the one before, to a life worth living. Only the very first of those steps even mentions alcohol. That's where we admit we're screwed, we've fucked it all up, possibly beyond repair and redemption. We know we can't fix it, can't fix ourselves, and quickly, or slowly, we take a second step and begin to believe that someone or something outside of us can fix our crazy.

And then, that giant third step, saying okay to that someone or something. Allowing ourselves a little bit of trust for maybe the first time in years and meaning it, even if hesitantly, we let go of having to engineer every little goddamned thing in the world, in our lives. We stop fighting--we know we've lost the war. Like Chinese handcuffs, the harder we fought, the harder it was to escape, but once we start to loosen our grip, everything around us relaxed. We surrender and we begin to be free.

That freedom is found not in conquering our alcoholism, but in discovering a way to be right-sized in the world, the willingness to be a worker among workers, being neither above nor below anyone--being humble rather than humiliated. Getting comfortable in our own skin is a result of helping others and being of service in the world. Practicing being honest with ourselves and others to the best of our ability. We are reminded constantly--in meetings, by our sponsors, by the literature, and our community--to live in the now, neither obsessing about past mistakes nor living in some imagined future glory or destruction. Being right here, where we are. Look down. See those feet? That's where you are. We reach out to hold someone's hand, and we let them hold ours. Share a laugh, a story, our trepidation, or confusion, over a cup of coffee with someone we just met and feel like we've known forever.

We come together to learn how to be together.

Putting down the drink? Hell, we'd put down that drink every time we passed out. Don't Drink. Go to Meetings. Help Another Alcoholic. Drugs like naltrexone can probably help with the first part of that standard AA chant, but it's also where the help ends. Unless "combined with counseling or interventions like Alcoholics Anonymous," medical treatments only offer short-term crisis intervention for the alcoholic.

With nothing else in his arsenal, the alcoholic will do one of three options: Go right back to drinking; pick up something else; or lose his mind.

Jodi Sh. Doff has written for Bust, Cosmopolitan, xoJane and Penthouse among many other publications. Her last pieces for The Fix were about non-celebrity overdoses, the Hangover Club and powdered booze.

I Don't Mind.

"It is not death we should fear, but never beginning to live." - Marcus Aurelius

For years, I did not really live: I simply existed. What many people take for granted I did not have: friends, vacations, job satisfaction, gratitude, family, communication, and love of self. An aspect of my disease was thinking I was happy without any evidence. Indeed, my lifestyle indicated progressive isolation. That is illusion. A recovering alcoholic shared that early in recovery he saw a sunset and remarked, "How long has that been happening?" Like him, I missed so much! Life can be lived or endured-the choice is mine. My spiritual recovery means every day I reach out to life and grasp it, hold it, smell it-and smile.

Talk About Things That Nobody Cares

"Dam.... What model higher power is that?",  "model #666"?,,,,.....  "lol....When are you ever gona learn"?!!

That was a quote made to me, by my sponsor I had at the time some 10 years ago. It was followed by a hearty .. "Ya know Jerry,...You are going to go oh so far in this program of recovery....... Because you have sooooooooooo far to go!!!!....lol "   I had to laugh myself. I had just brought the "next love of my life,... ( a    f lamming co-dependent and a super great person) to meet him.    Oh my....That was NOT a good choice!

This is just one more of my character defects that I must work on constantly it seems. Especially at times like the present when I am licking my wounds after another failed relationship. I could have sworn I was entirely ready for God to remove this defect a long time ago......I guess not???   I can hear those words of wisdom that were spoken to me long ago loud and clear today. " You need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself before you go looking for one with someone else"..... "Especially as bad as you run to others i.e. members of the opposite sex,..when you are in pain"!!!  What worked at the beginning will work now too!

Thank God for the other addicts just like me!!!

another day clean. JFT

Send Lawyers Guns and Money.....One more time!!

It looks like another month has finished beating on me....(oh poor me..lol )This little 28 day runt has certainly left some hard healing wounds on me and my soul to say the least.    I have court at 1pm tomorrow for being indicted on 1 count of sale of a schedule III drug..Hydrocodone. Found out that my own home county That I reside in, was also out to get this ole recovering junkie .So there went another 2000 dollars to the bail bondsman to pay my20K bail. But I am very thankful for his service........

3/4/13.... Gonna quit bitching for a minute. Went before the judge today and same thing happened that happen in the other county that I have charges pending. Just appointed me to the  public defender after finding out I was on disability due to being right below knee amputee, hepatitis C and advanced cirrhosis.   Dam I hate this. I don't have a clue whats going to go down with this, I am supposedly on camera selling a hydro to a dirtbag informant. If I know only one ounce of truth about me it is that I have NEVER sold a pill in my entire addiction career!! Buying pills?........ well that's a different story! I can remember buying loads of pills with the intent of selling some several times in the past, but I always wound up using every dam on of em!! LOL!! Just like the good addict that I am....lol,  Any way, So i am definitely staying with the truth. Not worrying bout this to much, I have an appointment at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville on Friday the 8th. I am fortunate enough to have a chance to be placed on the transplant list. My liver doc in Jackson has connections there and after my condition was reviewed by the docs, Hematologist at V'bilt, I was contacted immediately by them to "get to them asap" ! I'm ready, been sick as hell these last few weeks and some days I do feel like I am dying. Just taking it a day at a time.... 

Dream On

well it seems as this old junkie has screwed up another relationship. Think I'll change the name of this blog to the relationships of a recovering addict..lol. I kinda knew it was just an illusion. after all she is an addict herself. I do feel for her. Never have i met anyone that was so disconnected from  reality than she. Also the only person I have ever met that could out lie me!!!  Some of the stories she told me were right out of a dr suss book and she would swear on everything that was even remotely holy that it was the truth.  I swear it was like listen to a recording of myself 2 yrs ago.lol  We got to spend the weekend together and it was great. we stayed busy and talked alot. I listened alot and found out how she really felt about me. She would look me dead in the eye and say "I love you" that was the first mistake. We addicts avoid eye contact for a reason....our eyes are indeed the windows to our soul and we usually show our insecuries in them. I'm not going to take her inventory, mine is quiet sick enough some days. I am going to miss playing her game. Yea I still love to play games too but they get very old very quick now,  and it was nice to hear her say all those sweet things on the phone and in text messages. She is just not ready to surrrender that one pain that she feels will consume her if she ever lets it have enough power to come up and out. Its stufffed so far down it gives her the illusion that its not gonna hurt anymore in fact its a survival tool she thinks.  You can bet it will come out and it will come as a resentment. I have been right there and know what it feels and looks like on the face of a desperate dying addict. I looked at it every day in the mirror for too many years. I'm going to keep praying for her, thats the only thing I can do. And I will miss her very much......