You Have sent the maid home early Like a thousand times before

Well , I have not written here in quiet a while. Its not that nothing has been happening in my life, I just have not written even though I have had plenty to write about. I'm just going through a super lazy spell .....I wish that was it.  I have developed insomnia in a way that I have never known. Although I consider it dam near crippling at times, My Hematologist suggest that its perfectly normal. To not worry about it. And to not drive...lol  what??

With Cirrhosis of the liver, there is a disorder, Heptic Encephalopathy. Its one of the components that result from Portal Vein Hypertension..........Oh  nuff about these medical terms. In other words It makes you extreamly sleepy !  I pass out more or less, then, when I awake at 11:pm, ready to go to sleep..IT is Impossible! I have a pretty good routine now after several months of this happening over and over. I sit up all night. Lay down at 5;00 am. Up at 6;30 am.  Then I nod all dam day and probally accumalate another 2 to 3 hours sleep. Then it starts all over again. .So I just haven't felt like writing.  Plus my ex and I are working very hard on trying to rebuild our relationship.  At least when I'm awake lol !!!

She called about 3 weeks ago and wanted to know everything that was going on with me. Said she wanted to let me know that she was there for me anytime...I have no idea why this one woman has the power to break my heart into a million tiny pieces and I still will love her with every single little piece till she puts me back together. We tried this once before and had no luck. She said she had no idea how to explain to others what we have. It cant be told with words and I agree with her. We definitely have something that draws us back together. All he have to do is make eye contact. Both of our minds and hearts were ready to do this again. This is so dam crazy!!!!  I just don't know so this is turned over to God...I simply can not come up with anything on what the next step should be...Let him handle the results...

not much different today. Just questions of why. A lot of work and energy was put in on this, now it seems if it was all for nothing. I guess....just do not know much about anything anymore. So tired of being miserable so tired of fucking up everything that was good in my life. tired of making horrible memories. Really what I had planned was to make great memories. Something needs to change. I know its me.......but i just cant do it for some reason. My intentions were always good and things were going my way and for once it was also the right way, agreeable to all. Black cats everywhere crossing my path...Just wish I had some sort of reassurance any at all would help. Maybe There is none because there is none. how have I wound up here again??? i was born, I had a good childhood, I lost my leg in a farm accident at 15, I overcame that,,,I went on to make a ton of money with a career in construction,,,,I have had some of the most beautiful women in the world love me. I lost everything more than once to drug addiction. I married and was divorced 2 years later but not legally. I have had girlfriends half my age. I have had my heart broken into 10 million tiny pieces to the point of nervous breakdowns.......I have lost everything again and didnt care if I ever had a dime to my name again...I have layed awake for days at a time wondering what to do. I searched my soul to an un- imaginable depth when the only woman I ever loved up to that point left me for a woman while i was in rehab fighting daily for my life, I took drinks and cigarets to a woman that was in a recovery house for women and was there for her through broken hips, broken arms and other injuries she received while trying to learn to walk, I loved her to a point that I did not know existed on the love scale and found out how to love and love for real and to know without a doubt what I want in life from a partner only to take a sleeping pill one night loose my mind and say things about her she trusted me with.  but through all of this I never lost hope.....till now...God help me one more time...you have got to be getting pretty tired of me by now.

Dream On

well it seems as this old junkie has screwed up another relationship. Think I'll change the name of this blog to the relationships of a recovering addict..lol. I kinda knew it was just an illusion. after all she is an addict herself. I do feel for her. Never have i met anyone that was so disconnected from  reality than she. Also the only person I have ever met that could out lie me!!!  Some of the stories she told me were right out of a dr suss book and she would swear on everything that was even remotely holy that it was the truth.  I swear it was like listen to a recording of myself 2 yrs ago.lol  We got to spend the weekend together and it was great. we stayed busy and talked alot. I listened alot and found out how she really felt about me. She would look me dead in the eye and say "I love you" that was the first mistake. We addicts avoid eye contact for a reason....our eyes are indeed the windows to our soul and we usually show our insecuries in them. I'm not going to take her inventory, mine is quiet sick enough some days. I am going to miss playing her game. Yea I still love to play games too but they get very old very quick now,  and it was nice to hear her say all those sweet things on the phone and in text messages. She is just not ready to surrrender that one pain that she feels will consume her if she ever lets it have enough power to come up and out. Its stufffed so far down it gives her the illusion that its not gonna hurt anymore in fact its a survival tool she thinks.  You can bet it will come out and it will come as a resentment. I have been right there and know what it feels and looks like on the face of a desperate dying addict. I looked at it every day in the mirror for too many years. I'm going to keep praying for her, thats the only thing I can do. And I will miss her very much......

Talk about things that nobody cares.....wearing out things that nobody wears

I just got home from my date with Nancy. Wow did we ever have a great time or what??? that was probally the best date I have ever been on even if you were to leave out the sex . We always do have a wonderful time with each other. I believe this one would work out. We have been dating close to a month now and every date out does the one before. I am very happy with her. I can be myself. For once in my life no drug is involved in this relationship. She is not in recovery and has not ever been. The only drug she has ever taken was pain meds  ie hydrocodone prescribed by her dentist. She ask me one night "have you ever taken any of those hydrocodiens? They make me feel like I am on another planet..lol"   "Yea babe,.... I  probally have taken several barrels full in my lifetime".    She got this puzzeled look on her face and said  " Y  what on earth for???  lol "  well its taken me 30 years to ask that same question to myselfand all i can come up with is i am a addict and thats what we do......oh ok.    And then on with the night we went. She is a super person. she is involved with her church helping other less fortunate people in the community.  who would have ever thought i of all people would be found to be a good man and very interested in getting to know me by someone like her??  It doesnt matter. I am so very thakful she does. My mother even likes her..lol

Its all up to you but what ever you do Take it easy on me........

Well we rocked on the rest of the week, she called as she was taking her son to school and we would talk till she sat down at her desk 25 minutes later. She would call every second she had free and would make sure she had as many breaks as possible, rushing through her work. Lunch time was spent on the phone, I wanted to know everything that she was and she the same about me. The drive home was the same with the exception the main topic was where we were going to meet for what little time she had. Wednesday came and didnt hear from her till later on in the morning I could tell something was wrong. We were texting now. we met that night and she informed about her situation. Now, This is one of the Rich higher class ladies we all know about and have seen. She explains since her seperation with her husband, she is married still, That she has not had any money to spare. She has to rely on him to pay rent and alot of other things. Oh yea He is still crazy in love with her and wants her back home. He is also inlove with his ex wife, the reason they are seperated and my lady moved out,,,,....She is forced to barely get by and its taking its toll on her. She is faced with the decission to either go back home to man she doesnt love or just not make it.   Enter me..lol   I was suppose to be her saving grace. With the money to help her get out and stay out. Get divorced, something that he will have no part of because he wants her back.  So she is a miserable lady, Absolutely refuses to humble herself and live like she should.  She and I had a great night Friday. Stayed together here alone with no distractions... She said then she was in love with me......Sunday she comes and I introduce her to my family...Monday I am with here all night....Another great one...Tuesday is good till she gets home...has no food....takes her son to his dads.....calls me and is worried because I havnt called......then starts with an attitude of a bitch when I avoid commenting on her money situation.....I offer to buy her groceries so at least they can eat........she said no, sheis no charity case......says i preach and lecture her.....I am telling the truth to her.......dont hear from her for a while and i text her and ask what did i do to make her mad........she says she is not mad, just down.......I offer to listen to her ,,,,,,she says she does not need comforting......I know she needs money. I have none. I want to help. I cant do a dam thing but sit here and watch the one that I have waited for my entire life get away just because of money.....She has to have it to live we all do. If I had it I would give it too her in a second, I think of all the tens of thousands I threw away on dope and gave to strippers.....she has stayed with me as long as love will let her.....now she is forced to get money for her on survival.   I have never been in this situation before. I have no clue what to do I am barely making it. I know she was reling on me to be her rock i do believe that with all i am.....I wonder if anyone knows just how painful and devestating it is to have to watch the most beautiful and attention giving loveable woman i have waited for all my life have to go through this pain. Then walk away and out of my life forever........how much more can i take??  I knew there was a reason I had chose to learn how not to feel........I just wish it would have worked.

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Do you remember when we use to sing sh la la la la la la la la te la de da

Yesterday was the first full day of me letting things be. Not adding any of my feelings to anything. Meet my latest addiction in Jackson.  She called freeking out like the sky had just fallen on her and I was the only one that could get her out. So I received about 30 calls in a 40 minute ride. All of which were directed at me not being there yet. LOL  Got ta love these drama queens. I hope she never finds out about this blog and reads it....lol   well we wont be together long anyway. I am sure I can keep her unaware of it. Anyway while I'm on the subject. let me introduce her. She is a very beautiful lady. In fact she is my dream girl. Ever since I have been interested in girls, which started for me around the age of 5 or 6, the image of the girl in my dreams has been the same. On Friday the 23 rd day of September 2011 at about 6:30 p.m. in the parking lot of the McDonalds in Trenton TN.  I came eye to eye with the girl I have dreamed of all my life. I really do not know what either one of us said for the first 30 minutes but we have not quit talking since.I un-doubtedly was very high on her list of men she thinks are nice looking too. It was Love at first sight for both. I have never felt this way about any other in my life and she says the same. We didnt want to leave each other that

And the 3 men I admire most; The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost

Friendship often ends in love; but love ending in friendship - Never. Oh how I wish it could. Things could get alot better alot faster. Round 3 was pretty event free. For me it was only a war in my head. nevr manifested pass my twisted thoughts of how I still can't accept the past as it is. Why I feel so desperate to fix things that another person did to me?  Watch every word that comes out of my mouth. In fear that they will take something wrong and be gone. To feel as if they are just barely hanging on in the first place. And that they were the one that initiated this and contacted me?   LOL  Spoken just like the good addict I am. No wonder I doped all the time!!  I sure cannot make this horse drink thats for sure. I beleive its not thirsty to begin with. But the last thing on earth I want to see is it turn and run and all all can do is watch.

The only difference that I see is you are exactly the same as you used to be

Well it started.Round 1 and I'm not to beat up at all. Just a little bruised and thats just ego. .....you know ego....its the same as fat. You loose some and gain some and usually more of it than you had to start with. It never totally leaves just expands and constricts. I did even get to experience on of the most honest puriest moments I ever have in my life. I was told by this person that they were proud of me......Tears and a smile filled my face at the same time as a barrel full of joy wased over me from head to toe....man I love those recovery rushes!!!It could have been such a mutual thing too but the other partie is damaged. To what extent I dont know but I will before this is over, as well as find out where my recovery is lacking the most. Want to share this...I prayed to God , talked to God as if he were sitting in the chair next to me about this. I told him how I felt I was ready. Then it happens. I get my prayer answered and I forgot to be more specific. I got what I wanted with all my heart and soul, its just not in the same condition as it once was. And for the first time ever it need s me, Though right now that is not eveen a thought for the other involved. I am only doing this because I want to be free from the insanity. My intentions I stated last post. Something has to change in the way I have been

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy, the man did he look pretty ill.

Well I see it coming, no not a relapse something else with powerful emotions attached. I am an emotional cripple but I cant run from it and do not know why. I know I will come out with my guts in a basket, yet I am not afraid to go through it. I am just tired of running and dodging it, going out of my way to avoid it and yet nothing ever changes. When its printed out on this screen it does warrant something else, some other type action, some other thoughts. Sometimes I think my heart is to big. My serenity is being affected by this to much. Its time to do something different. I have to come to accept this. amd this is the way it is. I can removemyself but I am always found. I do not have the heart to be mean. I do not want to hurt and I do not want to hurt someone else. In the middle of recovery is a hell of a place to be with those thoughts.  This will all make sense befor I stop completely.

No Body told me there would be days like these..strange days indeed

First of all I want to apologize for what follows.  I am in recovery to find a way to live without drugs and to have peace. This is driving me mad.  I am grateful for you all who listen.
I know what the old me would do about this ....the new me is lost. That's where sponsor's and others that have had experience with this come into play. I myself, was once called upon by sponcees who were always in the middle of some major crisis, things were new and just not going the way they would like them to. I could advise them and done well as they are still clean today. However, being in recovery 15 months clean from my last relapse, I have trust issues with myself and therefore do not have a clue what to do....Now the part for concern is that I feel so normal thinking as I did in active addiction and that is what scares me. I will continue to pray for willingness to share this with the others or the willingness to become willing.
   The only woman That I have ever loved in my life, the one that left me for a woman for those of you who are not familiar. Has made it plan that she is single again. She contacted me very vaguely on face book. We talked briefly. Before it was over I told her how much I missed her. Her response was really? I left it alone right there. It has not been but a little over 3 months that she contacted me and wanted me back. I agreed and that's when......oh hell!!!...if you are interested in this click the link to my old blog...I am just repeating myself and frankly its quiet sickening to me to relive that shit again.
  I know the old me would go after her with every feeling I had on my sleeve, expecting a grand reconciliation of our differences...just sitting myself up for a disaster so I would have an excuse to get brain dead high. I still love this woman like I did when we first met. I never stopped during our 4 plus years together.She was the one that i was to spend the rest of my life with and we had made all the plans for that.  I can not find one reason why I should stop this........They pain she put me through there has got to be a reason why I should leave her be. There is none. Its like I am suppose to be with her.   Now , enter the new me.  Due to the pain...Let her be. Stay away. Pray about it and then give it to God.....I have stayed out of relationships for 15 months this time and have been doing nothing but working on me and my relationship with my higher power. I have done what was suggested and I work daily to the best of my ability to learn a new sane way of living. I have not used even when I could not find a reason not to. I must be doing something right.