I'v Got Wild Stareing Eyes and I have a Stong Erge to Fly...But I have No where To Fly to...

  Time to stop carrying this load  around with me. This heavy load of "what the hell if "  Has about broken my back and caused me alot of suffering that did not have to be.

 Found out Friday  That the HCV has cleared my system, It  is no longer detectable!!!!  Not totally out of the woods..I still have 35 more days of treatment the the 3 months test to see if I am still HCV clear.. Its still a dam good thing and I do not have very many dam good things that happen in my life, so its very big to me!!!!

However being clean and sober today...Is all I need.



jft

All we have to fear is fear itself....FEAR???.... Fear This!!

Hav'nt been writting. Havn't been doing much of anything recovery related, with the exception of alot of praying....

I've been wrestling with this fear thing. You know,.. Face Everything And Recover,.. Fuck Everything And Run....and my favorite,.. Fighting Egotistically Against Reality. I ain't been winning either. Not even close!

Fear is what kept me out there for so many years.. I thought I had pushed it so far down that I would not have to worry about it EVER... Nor would I have to confront it or deal with that irrational thinking it possess once I started recovery.   I was confident that once I started doing what I should have been doing,. It would magically leave or just not be a problem.. Wrong. I was driven by thousands of forms of fear. And although many and I do mean many have dissipated to some degree, I have so many more to deal with. ...I am not exhuming things that are better left alone...Can't bury them deep enough anyway it seems.

 I could write for days about this..and maybe I should?? This is not phobia's,,..then again, Fear of Fear itself is just that.. a phobia. I can get real discombobulated real fast....lol.

I would like to get a discussion started right here, on this blog about fear and what it is, was, doing to you, done to you etc. etc. I need Help with this...Its very apparent to me. Have talked with others in recovery, have brought it up in meetings...The suggestions I hear tell me I have to deal with it..or I will use it as an excuse to do other things..that come way to easy to me.

Your comments are so welcome!!

Clean  jft

I am still living with your ghost!!

I am as sick as I can ever remember... This ole tore up liver is letting me know how bad I treated it and he is pissed off big time!!! Thank God above and some GREAT physicians that treated a sick man... Not a low life addict.. So many times in the past I would go to doctors and tell them something is wrong with me I just know it...After a little history was taken and The words RECOVERING ADDICT came out....well, my time was done and so was his, hers...But I had a Diagnosis .....I felt so bad and my belly was swollen the size of a nice watermelon..and oh yea even that jaundice and yellow eyes could be explained sometimes!!   It is the disease of addiction or better known around here as,,,,a Damn ole dope head... I am very lucky indeed to even be considered for the transplant list......so many others will never get that chance..... And I'll be in Nashville Tn. at Vanderbilt medical center First thing Monday morning!!!!

My liver has started making ammonia. This causes me to be crazier and more confused than normal...Its just one of the things that suck with a failing liver. I am starting to tolerate it much better than 6 months ago and Now I can't even hide behind ......lol  I'm crazy as hell naturally LOL!!!

Send Lawyers Guns and Money.....One more time!!

It looks like another month has finished beating on me....(oh poor me..lol )This little 28 day runt has certainly left some hard healing wounds on me and my soul to say the least.    I have court at 1pm tomorrow for being indicted on 1 count of sale of a schedule III drug..Hydrocodone. Found out that my own home county That I reside in, was also out to get this ole recovering junkie .So there went another 2000 dollars to the bail bondsman to pay my20K bail. But I am very thankful for his service........

3/4/13.... Gonna quit bitching for a minute. Went before the judge today and same thing happened that happen in the other county that I have charges pending. Just appointed me to the  public defender after finding out I was on disability due to being right below knee amputee, hepatitis C and advanced cirrhosis.   Dam I hate this. I don't have a clue whats going to go down with this, I am supposedly on camera selling a hydro to a dirtbag informant. If I know only one ounce of truth about me it is that I have NEVER sold a pill in my entire addiction career!! Buying pills?........ well that's a different story! I can remember buying loads of pills with the intent of selling some several times in the past, but I always wound up using every dam on of em!! LOL!! Just like the good addict that I am....lol,  Any way, So i am definitely staying with the truth. Not worrying bout this to much, I have an appointment at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville on Friday the 8th. I am fortunate enough to have a chance to be placed on the transplant list. My liver doc in Jackson has connections there and after my condition was reviewed by the docs, Hematologist at V'bilt, I was contacted immediately by them to "get to them asap" ! I'm ready, been sick as hell these last few weeks and some days I do feel like I am dying. Just taking it a day at a time.... 

Do you remember when we use to sing sh la la la la la la la la te la de da

Yesterday was the first full day of me letting things be. Not adding any of my feelings to anything. Meet my latest addiction in Jackson.  She called freeking out like the sky had just fallen on her and I was the only one that could get her out. So I received about 30 calls in a 40 minute ride. All of which were directed at me not being there yet. LOL  Got ta love these drama queens. I hope she never finds out about this blog and reads it....lol   well we wont be together long anyway. I am sure I can keep her unaware of it. Anyway while I'm on the subject. let me introduce her. She is a very beautiful lady. In fact she is my dream girl. Ever since I have been interested in girls, which started for me around the age of 5 or 6, the image of the girl in my dreams has been the same. On Friday the 23 rd day of September 2011 at about 6:30 p.m. in the parking lot of the McDonalds in Trenton TN.  I came eye to eye with the girl I have dreamed of all my life. I really do not know what either one of us said for the first 30 minutes but we have not quit talking since.I un-doubtedly was very high on her list of men she thinks are nice looking too. It was Love at first sight for both. I have never felt this way about any other in my life and she says the same. We didnt want to leave each other that