I guess that's where "Its a simple program" comes from?? I have no problem stopping...I did it every time I passed out or overdosed or ran out of what ever it was i was doing. My problem was staying stopped.
Why didn't they just sop??How many times has that been said by family, friends, police, judges, misinformed physicians, or under educated professionals? I have heard it from so called LCSW & addictionologist ...Gee, Why did I not think of that???dam...I must surly suffer from some learning disability....
The truth of the matter for me is, Addiction is by all means the most complicated disease to understand.
when I was 14 yrs. old I was cutting hay and was to close to the fence row and a limb knocked me of the tractor and into the mower. A sickle mower. Looks like a giant hedge trimmer. Well it dragged me about 500 yards before finally cutting my right leg off and filleting my left leg to the bone from the knee down. I lay in the hot June heat for over seven hrs before I was found. Never passed out. Infection almost killed me but I was fitted with a prosthesis and was good as could hope to be in that day and time after numerous surgeries and a very long recovery. I lost most of my bodies blood supply and with all the surgeries I received around 45 units of blood during the summer of 1979. What was not known then was in 1979 blood was not screened as well as it is today.They paid cash for donor blood. Blood which had diseases like Hepatitis C which was totally unknown to the medical profession then. So for 35 years I was being consumed by Hep C virus and had no Idea. Just knew I felt bad most of the time but thought I just needed a more powerful drug. Was seen by many docs and my liver functions were Always elevated. However when they seen the amount of prescribed dope I was getting they had their answer to that..case closed. If they only knew of all the drugs I was buying besides that they would have surly fainted.
In 2006 I went jaundiced. was a yellow as a pumpkin. had a gall bladder full of stones...remove gal bladder and case closed again. They did the surgery laparoscopicry. When the surgeon looked through the scope he said he could see the scaring of my liver from the years of cirrhosis that had turned it into a concrete football.I do have several complications that goes along with cirrhosis and it is no fun. However God has seen fit not to let me go just yet. I'm on the Transplant list and my health although not good...is actually better than most in End Stage Liver Disease.
My point in telling that is all this bad stuff is a walk in the park compared to the fight with the disease of addiction.I've been through a hell that only an addict knows. Just like all of us have. We fight a disease that has no cure and if left untreated will kill us. How do we do it?? A day at a time. And our reward is beyond anything we could ever imagine. My thinking is that we are the chosen ones that have been selected to experience this, why? I do not have a clue. But after going through what you and I have been through and we can look at ourselves in the mirror and be thankful for going through it...is all the evidence I need that a Higher Power is at work in my life and chose the right ones.
I am grateful To be clean and in recovery today.
Showing posts with label Humility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humility. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2016
Saturday, July 19, 2014
I'v Got Wild Stareing Eyes and I have a Stong Erge to Fly...But I have No where To Fly to...
Time to stop carrying this load around with me. This heavy load of "what the hell if " Has about broken my back and caused me alot of suffering that did not have to be.
Found out Friday That the HCV has cleared my system, It is no longer detectable!!!! Not totally out of the woods..I still have 35 more days of treatment the the 3 months test to see if I am still HCV clear.. Its still a dam good thing and I do not have very many dam good things that happen in my life, so its very big to me!!!!
However being clean and sober today...Is all I need.
jft
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
As You Step out Into The Night....Take a Lesson From the Trees...watch How They Learn to Bend With Each Breeze......Little Victories
I sure wish I had known I was going to live this long....Because I would have sure taken much better care of myself.
Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course. Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.
Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,, lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.
I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.
When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!! YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house, more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!
I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.
But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol
I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn. That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or An amputated Leg.
I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa, and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.
I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time. The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........
clean jft
Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course. Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.
Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,, lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.
I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.
When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!! YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house, more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!
I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.
But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol
I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn. That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or An amputated Leg.
I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa, and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.
I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time. The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........
clean jft
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
For 3 Stange Days
I'm still here and still CLEAN!! Have had a bunch of test and procedures done. If I didn't know better I would swear this bunch of med professionals are trying their best to save my life..lol Dam good bunch that's for sure.
My liver has reached a point of leveling off. It seems the cirrhosis has stopped or my liver started working a little more. I have been sick like I had no idea a human could get. My enzymes are still off the chart but functions show that my liver is doing what it's suppose to just in a very mi-nute way. I'll take it though.
I have not found it necessary to use through all of this and that is Gods doing for sure. I always do come through the hardest time without even thinking about using. Its those everyday "life on life's terms" situations that will put me back out there in a second if I'm not spiritually fit. So I'm still doing what I did in the beginning...and it works just as it did back then.
clean jft
My liver has reached a point of leveling off. It seems the cirrhosis has stopped or my liver started working a little more. I have been sick like I had no idea a human could get. My enzymes are still off the chart but functions show that my liver is doing what it's suppose to just in a very mi-nute way. I'll take it though.
I have not found it necessary to use through all of this and that is Gods doing for sure. I always do come through the hardest time without even thinking about using. Its those everyday "life on life's terms" situations that will put me back out there in a second if I'm not spiritually fit. So I'm still doing what I did in the beginning...and it works just as it did back then.
clean jft
Thursday, February 27, 2014
traveling down the road trying to loosen my load , got a world of trouble on my mind
Well this little 28 day month is almost over. What a month! Not much has changed ...been pretty much sick this entire month. My meeting attendence has fallen to 0. I do go to online meetings dayly. They do help, but not like a face to face. I am greatful for them just the same.
I am waiting on my latest test results and getting very anxious and depressed all at the same time. I had to go for MRI for further labs due to my latest results had indicated tumor markers and other changes that suggested liver cancer. I should know any time and I am ready!!! all this waiting is driving me crazy!!
They do take their time so I cant even rest in the thoughts that "no news is good news" lol but they are very through and the results will be spot on. Have never heard a maybe or a might from them yet.
So far I haven't found it necessary to use,..that is a miracle in itself. I do alot of reading and praying, basically the same things I did in the beginning of my recovery. A lot of acceptance, surrender and even humbling myself and putting recovery first just for today, is what is working for me. Thank God something stuck!!!
clean jft
I am waiting on my latest test results and getting very anxious and depressed all at the same time. I had to go for MRI for further labs due to my latest results had indicated tumor markers and other changes that suggested liver cancer. I should know any time and I am ready!!! all this waiting is driving me crazy!!
They do take their time so I cant even rest in the thoughts that "no news is good news" lol but they are very through and the results will be spot on. Have never heard a maybe or a might from them yet.
So far I haven't found it necessary to use,..that is a miracle in itself. I do alot of reading and praying, basically the same things I did in the beginning of my recovery. A lot of acceptance, surrender and even humbling myself and putting recovery first just for today, is what is working for me. Thank God something stuck!!!
clean jft
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)