Dont Stop thinking bout tomorrow

Well I am still alive.....haven't written an entry to this blog in a while. All the talk and worrying about  my girlfriend was not needed. She and I are together. She completed her in-patient recovery program last Wednesday. We have not been away from each other since. We both are in love very deeply, this has been a long time coming. We worked a little at this for over 7 months just letting what ever was going to happen...happen. I freaked out several times with thoughts of things not going to well and would spend alot of miserable times for nothing. My disease would have me and nothing but negative was all that it told me.


I am excited and looking forward to being in a relationship. I have learned the hard way what I want in life and my dreams and desires are also hers.  I am not going to spend a lot of time telling you about this and what it means to me. This is not what this blog is about. I have not found the secrete to the perfect relationship. I am learning daily what it is about because this is just where I am at in my journey. I do know that without recovery and everything in it, I would not be ready for this. Recovering from that seemingly hopeless state of mind is real and it does happen..

Gold Coast frieghter bound for cotton fields........

Wow cant believe whats going on or what went on at Penn State. And of all people Joe. He is one of the most respectable and well liked and respected all over the country. Sometimes I think the whole world is sick to some degree. It just shows that using drugs and alcohol were only symptoms of my disease. Something was twisted out of proportion long before I took that first drink or drug. I used chemicals some use sex, porno, emotions and small children apparently to stop the pain.  And Like when my girlfriend of nearly five yrs left me for a woman, it seems so confusing to me how people get to that point. Like the child molesters and suddenly deciding you want to be with the same sex in a relationship seems crazy as hell to me, I do suppose I who put gallons of dope over the years in my veins and gave and gave to my addiction must seem like I am crazy as hell to those people. Regardless, any addiction will take everything and ruin your world. The people that are laid to the side by us are harmed in a bad way also. And they just wanted to help........Thank God I am at least clean and sober today!

Dream On

well it seems as this old junkie has screwed up another relationship. Think I'll change the name of this blog to the relationships of a recovering addict..lol. I kinda knew it was just an illusion. after all she is an addict herself. I do feel for her. Never have i met anyone that was so disconnected from  reality than she. Also the only person I have ever met that could out lie me!!!  Some of the stories she told me were right out of a dr suss book and she would swear on everything that was even remotely holy that it was the truth.  I swear it was like listen to a recording of myself 2 yrs ago.lol  We got to spend the weekend together and it was great. we stayed busy and talked alot. I listened alot and found out how she really felt about me. She would look me dead in the eye and say "I love you" that was the first mistake. We addicts avoid eye contact for a reason....our eyes are indeed the windows to our soul and we usually show our insecuries in them. I'm not going to take her inventory, mine is quiet sick enough some days. I am going to miss playing her game. Yea I still love to play games too but they get very old very quick now,  and it was nice to hear her say all those sweet things on the phone and in text messages. She is just not ready to surrrender that one pain that she feels will consume her if she ever lets it have enough power to come up and out. Its stufffed so far down it gives her the illusion that its not gonna hurt anymore in fact its a survival tool she thinks.  You can bet it will come out and it will come as a resentment. I have been right there and know what it feels and looks like on the face of a desperate dying addict. I looked at it every day in the mirror for too many years. I'm going to keep praying for her, thats the only thing I can do. And I will miss her very much......