This too Shall Pass..................and I am dam ready for it to!
I hear a lot in recovery about pain. I have experienced more pain than I ever knew existed while trying to learn how to live life without using dope. I swear it has ripped my soul out more times than I choose to recall. It has also made seek out relief in other means {(that were freely given to me)} than "something outside of myself that would change the way I feel"..............."when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change".........well I know for this struggling addict, that is only clean today because of the grace of God,....will change. PAIN, The great motivator.
This too shall pass.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Boy You're Gonna Carry That Weight a long Time
I wonder if I will ever learn that I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!! I have spent the past few days in a very familiar place that for some reason, I seem to find much to often in my sick ass life! Don't know if my heart is broken in a million pieces or I just do not know what to do ????? If I knew that shooting my veins full of dope would somehow take away the pain I would definitely not be here. Dope quit being my friend some time ago and I miss it as much as I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. IT don't work no more!!! The only thing I had that I could turn to in these troubled times was just as big a fake and lair as IT had changed MY VERY self into.
Now I sat and wonder ( Which is absolutely the worst thing I could ever do) with this sick brain of mine. I had faith at one point in my recovery.........its just as hard to get out of my own way and capture it again.
Maybe I'll start with hope. This little miniscule amount I still do have, perhaps just may grow into that illusive faith I want so bad and wish to possess again..
Clean and dope free one more day!!
Now I sat and wonder ( Which is absolutely the worst thing I could ever do) with this sick brain of mine. I had faith at one point in my recovery.........its just as hard to get out of my own way and capture it again.
Maybe I'll start with hope. This little miniscule amount I still do have, perhaps just may grow into that illusive faith I want so bad and wish to possess again..
Clean and dope free one more day!!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Sometime all I need is the air that I breath
Holy Hell!!!! What in the world happened? I have had the worst time that I have ever known for the last 7 months...I definitely know that my disease is stronger than ever. However I still am able to pull something out of each day that I am thankful for...no mater how bad things this burnt out piece of meat that resides between my ears tells me it is.
I had another bad reaction to the interferon that was part of my chemo for Hep C and cirrhosis. I was told I could have them for several months, but I had one previous to this one so I should not have any more.At least that's what I thought she said. And oh yea, Its not going to bother me any more so I didn't have to go back for my levels to be checked..Great addict behavior there LOL... It will always get someone else , not me! Yet .Anyway one of the symptoms of advanced Cirrhosis is that my sick liver starts to make ammonia. For 23 days and nights I knew know one nor where I was at. That was the worst time in my life so far; Horrible scared to death every second of nearly every day.
About the time that was getting better, I was awakened one morning with blood in and dripping out of my mouth!!! Now what is up with this shit??? Comes to find out Cirrhosis causes varicose veins to form in your esophagus and bulge out and actually burst and if bad enough you hemorrhage to death. They flew me to Nashville to my transplant doc. He put me to sleep and went down my esophagus and put small tiny bands to stop the blood flow to the varicose veins that have formed. And then one time at band camp>>>>lol sorry for rambling so much.
Have one more I really need to talk about , My girl friend for the last 3 years started using again, or should i say she just got tired of trying to hide it from me. We fought all the time and was so broke we could not even pay attention. I finally got enough Wednesday morning when she cam in the bed room and proceeded to beat the hell out of me with a crutch for going to bed without waking her off the couch first, This is a big ole mess now , she got my 80 yr. old mother involved by calling over 100 times a day. The law too is involved so everything I own except for 2 pair of jeans and a shirt or 2 is at the apartment and I have to wait till we go to court on the 25th to see what the judge is gonna do.
I had another bad reaction to the interferon that was part of my chemo for Hep C and cirrhosis. I was told I could have them for several months, but I had one previous to this one so I should not have any more.At least that's what I thought she said. And oh yea, Its not going to bother me any more so I didn't have to go back for my levels to be checked..Great addict behavior there LOL... It will always get someone else , not me! Yet .Anyway one of the symptoms of advanced Cirrhosis is that my sick liver starts to make ammonia. For 23 days and nights I knew know one nor where I was at. That was the worst time in my life so far; Horrible scared to death every second of nearly every day.
About the time that was getting better, I was awakened one morning with blood in and dripping out of my mouth!!! Now what is up with this shit??? Comes to find out Cirrhosis causes varicose veins to form in your esophagus and bulge out and actually burst and if bad enough you hemorrhage to death. They flew me to Nashville to my transplant doc. He put me to sleep and went down my esophagus and put small tiny bands to stop the blood flow to the varicose veins that have formed. And then one time at band camp>>>>lol sorry for rambling so much.
Have one more I really need to talk about , My girl friend for the last 3 years started using again, or should i say she just got tired of trying to hide it from me. We fought all the time and was so broke we could not even pay attention. I finally got enough Wednesday morning when she cam in the bed room and proceeded to beat the hell out of me with a crutch for going to bed without waking her off the couch first, This is a big ole mess now , she got my 80 yr. old mother involved by calling over 100 times a day. The law too is involved so everything I own except for 2 pair of jeans and a shirt or 2 is at the apartment and I have to wait till we go to court on the 25th to see what the judge is gonna do.
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