You Have sent the maid home early Like a thousand times before

Well , I have not written here in quiet a while. Its not that nothing has been happening in my life, I just have not written even though I have had plenty to write about. I'm just going through a super lazy spell .....I wish that was it.  I have developed insomnia in a way that I have never known. Although I consider it dam near crippling at times, My Hematologist suggest that its perfectly normal. To not worry about it. And to not drive...lol  what??

With Cirrhosis of the liver, there is a disorder, Heptic Encephalopathy. Its one of the components that result from Portal Vein Hypertension..........Oh  nuff about these medical terms. In other words It makes you extreamly sleepy !  I pass out more or less, then, when I awake at 11:pm, ready to go to sleep..IT is Impossible! I have a pretty good routine now after several months of this happening over and over. I sit up all night. Lay down at 5;00 am. Up at 6;30 am.  Then I nod all dam day and probally accumalate another 2 to 3 hours sleep. Then it starts all over again. .So I just haven't felt like writing.  Plus my ex and I are working very hard on trying to rebuild our relationship.  At least when I'm awake lol !!!

She called about 3 weeks ago and wanted to know everything that was going on with me. Said she wanted to let me know that she was there for me anytime...I have no idea why this one woman has the power to break my heart into a million tiny pieces and I still will love her with every single little piece till she puts me back together. We tried this once before and had no luck. She said she had no idea how to explain to others what we have. It cant be told with words and I agree with her. We definitely have something that draws us back together. All he have to do is make eye contact. Both of our minds and hearts were ready to do this again. This is so dam crazy!!!!  I just don't know so this is turned over to God...I simply can not come up with anything on what the next step should be...Let him handle the results...

Boy You're Gonna Carry That Weight a long Time

I wonder if I will ever learn that I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!  I have spent the past few days in a very familiar place that for some reason, I seem to find much to often in my sick ass life!  Don't know if my heart is broken in a million pieces or I just do not know what to do ?????   If I knew that shooting my veins full of dope would somehow take away the pain I would definitely not be here. Dope quit being my friend some time ago and I miss it as much as I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. IT don't work no more!!! The only thing I had that I could turn to in these troubled times was just as big a fake and lair as IT had changed MY VERY self into.

Now I sat and wonder ( Which is absolutely the worst thing I could ever do) with this sick brain of mine. I had faith at one point in my recovery.........its just as hard to get out of my own way and capture it again.
Maybe I'll start with hope. This little miniscule amount I still do have, perhaps just may grow into that illusive faith I want so bad and wish to possess again..

Clean and dope free one more day!!

Go cart mozart was checking out the weather charts seeing if it was safe outside

Want to know how to make God laugh?......Make plans. Have not had a chance to have anymore rounds with this gut slinger. It seems I just don't give a dam about it anymore. Its not worth even risking the che chance that i might find it in my twisted mind a reason to use.   There will no doubt be plenty more situations that will seem hopeless at first that God will have to help me through them also.

Sometime I think that the truly sickest people are the ones that appear the sainest. I have seen beautiful drop dead georgous women, so perfect in every way at first.  They always have a smile on their face, the go out of their to help others, they are polite, seem highly intelegent, a great career and plenty of everything. Then find them an hour or so after work crying because they are so miserable that their life will never change. They feel somehow doomed or sentenced to this life of misery. This is of course all on the inside. When you do get them to talk and actually tell whats going on, the most strangest things seem to come out of their mouth. Its all about how their circumstances will never change. You can share what you hear in recovery very descreetly of course with them and no matter how positive they always will disagree and say they are indeed doomed.    This is closed mindedness  and self reliance at its best. I just pray (for one in particular) That they will start to take suggestions and realize that a job making 12 an hour is much better than none. That at the end of bill paying they have 20 dollars left and it is 20 times better than none. However some will turn to what I did to stop the pain only to find more.  Surrender could save alot of un-necessary pain. Its that simple.