When the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you Dies!

Well I'm back after my little stint with the kangaroo court system here. Went before the judge on Friday. All that was done then was him assigning me a public defender to represent me. I am charged in that county with Delivery of schedule lll drug, Buprenorphene  (suboxone). I was caught on camera in June of 2011, giving a suboxone to a low life snake in the grass slime ball chicken shit nark snitch, aka confidential Informant. This sick mother fucker called my girl and begged her to get me to give him some subs (suboxone) because he could not find any pills anywhere, and he was dope sick in withdrawals. He had to have some relief or in his own words" I'm gonna fucking die without help"......Oh how I wish the son of a bitch would have done just that!!! Any way I gave in and drove to the next county and gave him the "relief" he so needed. Horse shit! that sorry asshole filmed everything with a little camera in the button on his pocket that was placed there by the jerkwater USA's finest investigators which he had been working for since 2010. I am among many many more done the same way by this sorry fuck wad...............................That's just what this disease does. It works in every area of my life. I had been clean from I.V.morphine for almost 2 years when this went down. I knew it was wrong to do this. But this guy was supposedly hurting and was going to treatment, he just needed something to help him over the hump.That's what I felt. My disease had me again. This shit will rule and ruin your life......I am so fucking tired of being a drug addict. You don't have to be using for the disease of addiction to fuck your world up. What pisses me off is I know this and I still listened to it!  Putting dope in my veins was just a symptom of the real PROBLEM ....ME.!!! I am clean today, so that is all that matters...........................  My truck was also confiscated. so here I sit.Thats gonna cost more than I want to give but i will, have to have a way to go......I have way to much anger built up and that will get me nowhere, But I would sure love to get my hands on this slim bag........got to surrender these feelings or I know I will be in worse shape than I am now. There is sooooooo much more to this and it will come out...I was told when you write about problems you get them out and make room for new good things. Thats hard to believe right now,    even though I know it works.

Some days just not doing dope is as good as it gets. I am finding myself repeating this phrase way to much, especially in the last couple of months. Having another string of bad luck it seems....its just life on life's terms not mine. Not ready to crawl back into the blackness and feel the pity and defeat i just have crawled out of. I just want a life again...I do know this is not how I want to remain ..I want the wife the home the career again and I would prefer to be right smack dab in the middle of it right now. I have found, what I thought was something that was never to be found again, and that is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She shared the same thoughts with me and things looked great for this ole one legged  drug addict!  But....ah yes, the one word that crushes my very sole sometimes....BUT   I know this to shall pass. It shall pass and I wonder how much of me it will take with it..Perhaps that is the only way I give up......it has to be removed from my life instead of me choosing to let it go.....I know I feel much better when there is less resistance, I just never get to experience it anymore. I want to fix things because I believe things can be fixed,,, Hell, I might get lucky this time, Even the losers do sometime. I hear this gets better too.