First an Alcoholic Takes a Drink....

First an alcoholic takes a drink,then the drink takes a drink.Then the drink takes an alcoholic.I'm not to concerned with the outcome for social drinkers,they could blow out the candles when drinking.I dont need to become this middle man when the drink is taking a drink,Its like the alcoholic has no power, now alcohol is in control and manifests itself by using the body,like some kind of pipeline.Ok now.Step 2 came to believe that a power greater than this human pipeline can and will restore our sanity

My AA Sponsee Died of an Overdose

By Charlotte Grey, for Substance.com

Six months ago, my sister called to tell me that Kelly had died. My sister calls about three times a year. We've never been close. I figured she needed a place to crash her drunk ass after missing her train back to campus, again. I only answered because it was late and a tiny part of me was nervous that it might be serious.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances to addiction that I have practice at coping with grief. But this time, I got a call about someone I was meant to help.

She was sobbing hysterically on the phone, so the news came out in a high-pitched squeak: "Do you remember Kelly? She overdosed. She died. This morning. Her step-dad found her in her bed."

I did remember Kelly. She was a family friend and my sister's best friend growing up. She was a sweet, quiet girl, standing less than five feet tall, and with these bright blue eyes. Though somewhat shy, she had a warmth that drew people towards her. Also, she was a gifted artist.

It seemed surreal that she was gone.

Sadly, at nearly six years sober, I was used to this kind of thing. After all those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, including dozens of trips across the country, I have a network of literally thousands of people--all marked secretly in my phone with ellipses next to their first names.

This is an incredible resource. Knowing that there are so many people I can call helps me stay sober. But on the darker side, having this many friends and acquaintances who struggle with addiction means I end up at a lot of funerals.

Many people in AA relapse and never make it back. I've lost friends to fatal overdoses, suicide, car accidents, alcohol or drug-related chronic illness, heart-attacks and brain aneurysms.

But that didn't make hearing this news any easier.

There is always sadness and heartbreak. But it was different with Kelly: Two years earlier, she had been my sponsee.

"For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area."

In AA, a sponsor is a mentor who helps take a person (usually of the same gender) with less time sober through the 12 Steps, takes their phone calls, and offers them suggestions when needed. Sponsor-sponsee relationships have been some of the most intimate non-romantic relationships I've ever had. Guiding someone else through recovery is a unique experience that helps me as much as it helps them.

In the four years I've been sponsoring, I've worked with dozens of women--some for a couple of days, others for years. I've had up to four sponsees at any one time.

"It's not your fault," my sister reassured me. "She didn't want to get sober."

Thankfully, I've been in the program long enough to really believe this. I realize I did the best I could--devoting as much attention to Kelly as I did to every other sponsee. "If someone wants the message, you can't say the wrong thing," someone once said at a meeting. "If someone doesn't want the message, you can't say the right thing."

When I first started sponsoring women, I would blame myself if they didn't stay sober. But in time, I've learned that I can't force anyone to get help. "Hitting bottom," as they say in AA, is a personal experience and everyone must arrive there on his or her own timeline. I've seen many of my sponsees relapse, but most return to AA eventually, when they're really ready. Of the ones I've reconnected with now, most have at least a year sober.

Kelly was 19 when she first reached out to me. She had just gotten out of rehab and called my sister, who came to me and asked if I would help her get connected with the recovery community. Of course I agreed. Kelly called me that day and seemed excited that someone she knew was also in recovery.

She called me daily to check in and loved going to meetings, but I could see she wasn't quite ready to let go of her old lifestyle. Though she didn't drink or use drugs, she continued to go out partying with her old friends. She identified as an alcoholic, but she had one foot out the door.

When I think back on those first few months with Kelly I'm reminded of my own early sobriety. When I started attending meetings, I felt lost in a sea of new faces. I remember how anxious and uncertain I was. At my first ever meeting, I happened to run into a childhood friend--a chance encounter that was crucial in helping me feel safe at meetings. I asked her questions that seemed stupid to me at the time, like what is a sponsor? She was patient, answered my questions and made me feel at home. I had tried to do the same for Kelly.

But I had the willingness to stay sober and remain so until now. Kelly did not. I'll never know why.

"Charlotte, I don't know what I'd do if that was you," my sister blubbered over the phone, "Thank God you're sober!"

For all the bags of dope I snorted and smoked, it could easily have been me that died. At 21, Kelly overdosed on a bad batch of heroin that had been circulating the tri-state area. My close friend relapsed and died from the same laced batch weeks before Kelly got her hands on it. Both deaths were complete accidents. I constantly hear in meetings that even one relapse could lead to death. It seemed over-dramatic when I was newly sober. Now I've experienced enough loss to know it's true.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living.

The day I found out Kelly died, I didn't tell my employers why I needed a last-minute personal day. They may have already noticed that I attended a higher-than-average number of wakes, but I had never told them about my recovery.

Having lost so many friends and acquaintances in AA, I had my grieving down to a science: It involved a lot of crying. I cried to friends on the phone and in meetings. As an old-timer once told me: "The only way out is through" (in other words, you have to feel your feelings, no matter how painful).

When I felt lonely, I left my apartment and completed even basic routines, like shopping or doing laundry, in the company of a friend. I kept going to meetings and doing my 12-step work--answering calls from sponsees and showing up to meet with them.

Taking action prevented me from falling in to a black hole of depression, anger and self-pity. Despite my grief, I just forced myself to keep on living. I have to push through the discomfort and pain in this way, in order to preserve my sanity.

I travelled to Kelly's home town in New Jersey for the wake. I didn't plan to tell her family she had been in AA because one of the traditions in the program is anonymity. If Kelly's family didn't already know about her attempt at recovery, she might not have wanted them to.

I hadn't seen the family since my childhood, so I didn't expect them to remember me. But as I waited in line to view her body, Kelly's twin sister, Anna, and her mother and stepfather recognized me instantly. I could tell right away that they knew.

Breaking from the stiff formality of the occasion, they all hugged me in unison, thanked me through their tears, and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.

Anna and her mother told me stories about Kelly, and how she would talk constantly about AA. She was excited about recovery, and having me as her sponsor. For the time she was going to meetings and working the Steps, they said she seemed noticeably lighter and more peaceful.

I was floored, and overcome with gratitude to hear that our work had made an impact on her life.

I see every day how much sponsorship can help a person who stays sober. My first sponsee, Maria, and I started working together when she had just a few days sober, and was full of fear. Because of our similar histories, I was able to help her accept her painful past. She told me things she'd never told anyone--about childhood trauma, abusive relationships, cheating and psychiatric illness. I let her know that she wasn't alone. Though we no longer work together, she now has four years sober and we still talk on the phone sometimes. I can hear in her voice how much she's changed.

After talking to Kelly's family, I realized that sponsorship can also make a deep impact on someone who doesn't stay sober. Working with Kelly didn't save her life--but for a few months, it might have offered her hope.

Not everyone I reach out to will stay sober, and some might never come back. But the moment with Kelly's family at her wake renewed my determination to keep being there, as much as I can, for anyone who asks for my help.

I'v Got Wild Stareing Eyes and I have a Stong Erge to Fly...But I have No where To Fly to...

  Time to stop carrying this load  around with me. This heavy load of "what the hell if "  Has about broken my back and caused me alot of suffering that did not have to be.

 Found out Friday  That the HCV has cleared my system, It  is no longer detectable!!!!  Not totally out of the woods..I still have 35 more days of treatment the the 3 months test to see if I am still HCV clear.. Its still a dam good thing and I do not have very many dam good things that happen in my life, so its very big to me!!!!

However being clean and sober today...Is all I need.



jft

I've Seen The Bright Lights of Memphis and The Comador Hotel

All that I ever wanted, after keeping recovery first in my life, was/is a healthy relationship. Someone to love and someone to love me back. What is so dam wrong with that!!!??  I can count on one hand the serious relationships I have had in my life. I only need one finger however to count the one that means something so special to me, that a day very seldom goes by without something happening that reminds me of it . The one that WAY to many special memories were made to ever forget about. I just do not know why it does not work....This last time we went 3 years without seeing , speaking to each other. I would ask others that she worked with or were friends of hers, how she was doing and she would do the same with people that new me and my daughter which still speak to each other pretty often.

The minute we saw each other this time, It was on again. We talked to each other everyday and shared that this time we were going to go slow....Actually date again and go from there. We went out only on the weekends. And talked and laugh on the phone every day and night. Told each other we loved each other every time we talked. It felt really good..her words, eyes and smile said the same....I have no clue now what will be.....but I have a pretty good idea looking at our history.

She knows all about my Cirrhosis and knows how that shit has beat the hell out of me. And is not finished with me yet. I am worried and afraid of what is to come with this horrible shit!! That was the first thing she said when we saw each other this time. That if I ever need to talk she was a phone call a way.

I'm not going to lie......This shook the hell out of me at a time when I do not need shaking!!!!!!!Stll do not know why life is like it is.......there should be a better balance .. I have had enough of sickness, addiction, fucked up people, being unemployable and especially this gone to shit attitude I have !!!!  All I Wanted Was a Healthy Relationship.  ..................To Love Someone And Be There For them To Lean On,.....and To Be Loved and Have Someone There for Me To Lean On .......I have been around enough , I have met hundreds of very fine, good people and have made friendships that are priceless......Plus my share of sons of bitches, gold diggers, whores, racketeers, thieves and cons......... So I am Scheduled to be 50 yrs old on July 22, 2014........I learned the hard way and I did find the one I wanted to go through time with.....However ,God has other plans. 

I am clean and sober and for the rest of this day I am not going to drink or use. When the morning comes and I do what I did today, There is a dam good chance I won't find it necessary to drink or use tomorrow.


Be careful with relationships in recovery. Get a Sponsor and let him guide you ..........this is with no doubt the hardest thing to deal with since being in recovery.........Please listen to someone.

clean/jft

You Have sent the maid home early Like a thousand times before

Well , I have not written here in quiet a while. Its not that nothing has been happening in my life, I just have not written even though I have had plenty to write about. I'm just going through a super lazy spell .....I wish that was it.  I have developed insomnia in a way that I have never known. Although I consider it dam near crippling at times, My Hematologist suggest that its perfectly normal. To not worry about it. And to not drive...lol  what??

With Cirrhosis of the liver, there is a disorder, Heptic Encephalopathy. Its one of the components that result from Portal Vein Hypertension..........Oh  nuff about these medical terms. In other words It makes you extreamly sleepy !  I pass out more or less, then, when I awake at 11:pm, ready to go to sleep..IT is Impossible! I have a pretty good routine now after several months of this happening over and over. I sit up all night. Lay down at 5;00 am. Up at 6;30 am.  Then I nod all dam day and probally accumalate another 2 to 3 hours sleep. Then it starts all over again. .So I just haven't felt like writing.  Plus my ex and I are working very hard on trying to rebuild our relationship.  At least when I'm awake lol !!!

She called about 3 weeks ago and wanted to know everything that was going on with me. Said she wanted to let me know that she was there for me anytime...I have no idea why this one woman has the power to break my heart into a million tiny pieces and I still will love her with every single little piece till she puts me back together. We tried this once before and had no luck. She said she had no idea how to explain to others what we have. It cant be told with words and I agree with her. We definitely have something that draws us back together. All he have to do is make eye contact. Both of our minds and hearts were ready to do this again. This is so dam crazy!!!!  I just don't know so this is turned over to God...I simply can not come up with anything on what the next step should be...Let him handle the results...

As You Step out Into The Night....Take a Lesson From the Trees...watch How They Learn to Bend With Each Breeze......Little Victories

I sure wish I had known I was going to live this long....Because I would have sure taken much better care of myself.

Main thing now is to stay of the pity pot. I learned years ago as a kid, when I lost my leg that If I could get your pitty.....I could get just about anything you had...within reason of course.  Oh look at me..I'm the poor little one legged boy and I have been dealt this awful hand and I am expected to play it for the rest of my life.

Well as I slowly matured...oops wrong word there for sure!,,,,  lets just say... as I slowly Grew and my addiction  was becoming more apparent, I took care of it very well. I practiced it constantly and honed to perfection. It was now a full grown manipulation and I was a master. Little did I know that in the years of perfecting it, that it was to become my very identity.

I used it to basically get my way in my teenage years. All the teachers would let me do or not do what ever I pleased. I was extremely lucky to have enough "since" about me then to realize, That I did need good or decent grades to get anywhere. and I had done just enough to get by for the first 9 years of school. I was very aware I only had 3, left then I would join the workforce or continue my education. I have inherited a strong work ethic that runs very deep on both sides of my family. If it was not made in me I sure as hell would not have wanted to ever work again! "Oh I'm the poor one legged man that lost his leg as a child" remember? I'm suppose to get a check and I bet if they will let me talk to whom ever is in charge of the check writing, I could get two or three checks. That's how I know work ethic was a God given trait.

When I turned 18, 2 months after I graduated high school, I was awarded a very hefty insurance settlement. Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!!  YeS!! I had more money than I had ever even heard of ! I will never have to work a day for the rest of my life!!! Party Time....Lets go ladies! the line forms here sweetheart!
And thats what I did. I bought the most expensive everything! Special ordered a brand new chevy 4x4 pick-up, built a house,  more new vehicles, ATV's best of the best sporting goods known to man!...Hell everything was the most expensive (but not always the best) Item that was known to man!

I lived like that for just 3 short months when "She" first looked me in the eye and I knew right then I was to far from home. It didn't take her anytime at all to shrink the crowd of followers I had. And I was to be only with her. It was absolutely the best and the absolute worse thing that ever happened to me.

But the parting and spending just increased. Then one day..remember that God given trait i have?... It crawled out and brushed itself off and went to work on my head. I wanted to go to work. Not for the money ...but because I had a jones for work like it was drug/. And it showed my main Lady that I was a Real Man!!lol

I worked on a farm since I was about 7 yrs old. I knew what hard work was and I new how to work. I had the idea in my mind that had been there for many years. I wanted to Operate Bulldozers and other heavy equipment. I had no Idea what to do or how to go about. My girl new how bad I wanted to do this. She was a manger for McDonalds at the time. One  day she said she seen a man come in with all kind of caterpillar emblems and heavy equipment patches on his jacket. She ask him where he got them and did he work in the construction industry. I will be damned ......he was a mechanic for a company in Memphis. She told him about me and he gave her a telephone number for me to call. It was to a heavy Equipment operator school. In Penn.  That was it. I called made the arrangements to gget started. There was no way they would hire a 18 yr kid and put him on a piece of equipment!!! You had to have experience,,,,,,,,Or  An amputated Leg.

I found out it was $10,000 bucks for the school In Scranton Pa,  and NO Guarantee You will Find Employment.

I finished the school in Feb of 1983. Within 24 hrs I was hired by one of the largest companies in the Country at that time.   The owner was impressed with the desire to work I had. I was Now The Poor Little Man That Lost his Leg as a Kid and now he has to play the hand he was dealt. He operates a bulldozer and is very good at what he does, Made more money that I could spend plus had more. Its hard to believe when I get to thinking like this,,,just how powerful the disease of addiction is. This was just 1 of countless chances I had.....But chose to give to my disease..........


clean jft

For 3 Stange Days

I'm still here and still CLEAN!!  Have had a bunch of test and procedures done. If I didn't know better I would swear this bunch of  med professionals are trying their best to save my life..lol  Dam good bunch that's for sure.

My liver has reached a point of leveling off. It seems the cirrhosis has stopped or my liver started working a little more. I have been sick like I had no idea a human could get. My enzymes are still off the chart but functions show that my liver is doing what it's suppose to just in a very mi-nute way. I'll take it though.

I have not found it necessary to use through all of this and that is Gods doing for sure. I always do come through the hardest time without even thinking about using. Its those everyday "life on life's terms" situations that will put me back out there in a second if I'm not spiritually fit. So I'm still doing what I did in the beginning...and it works just as it did back  then.

clean jft

traveling down the road trying to loosen my load , got a world of trouble on my mind

Well this little 28 day month is almost over. What a month!  Not much has changed ...been pretty much sick this entire month. My meeting attendence has fallen to 0. I do go to online meetings dayly. They do help, but not like a face to face. I am greatful for them just the same.

I am waiting on my latest test results and getting very anxious and depressed all at the same time. I had to go for MRI for further labs due to my latest results had indicated tumor markers and other changes that suggested liver cancer. I should know any time and I am ready!!! all this waiting is driving me crazy!!
They do take their time so I cant even rest in the thoughts that "no news is good news" lol  but they are very through and the results will be spot on. Have never heard a maybe or a might from them yet.

So far I haven't found it necessary to use,..that is a miracle in itself. I do alot of reading and praying, basically the same things I did in the beginning of my recovery.      A lot of acceptance, surrender and even humbling myself and putting recovery first just for today, is what is working for me. Thank God something stuck!!!

clean jft   

Gets better

Hiding Pain

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive. -James Baldwin

I open my heart to my Higher Power

Pain grows in hiding. Recovery teaches me not to hide my pain and suffering from myself or from my Higher Power. When I bring my most honest and pure self to the fore, when I am truly willing to turn over my angst to a power greater than myself, something changes. I let go and create space for a shift in perception. I experience a quiet awakening in my life, and forces that I did not allow to enter my life before, come in to heal me. I will open the door today and let the parts of me come forward into my own consciousness that I too often shove away and shut down. After all it's only more of me. Once these parts of me find legs, they walk; once these parts of me find a voice, they share and speak, they find words. And once they find words, I understand.

I kept the right ones out...and let the wrong ones in.

I feel pretty good today for some reason..Not going to question it to much..although that is what I am really good at..Dam near a pro!... it also helps me stay sick.

This dam cirrhosis seems to make me feel sick all the time and has for a while now. It doesn't prevent me from thinking positive. There is good days and bad days in every dis-ease that exist.  I'll be the first to tell ya, especially on the bad days that I catch myself thinking I am hopeless...I will never feel better..This is as good as it gets...My dis-ease loves this type of thinking. I know it has me then, just as my disease knows.  Recovery stops and addict behavior starts. Even though I may have "justification for feeling not-so-u- to- Parr".. does not mean I have "justification to lay down" mentally. ...This is when this addict has to do anything but....and sometimes I get paralyzed with fear, when I do not instinctively now how to handle this..Yet......Recovery from the day to day destruction I put myself thru takes time...So do the NEW things that come along since / when  I chose to live life.. on life's terms.

I am so grateful for the good days...but they would not exists  if it were not for the bad ones.


clean jft

All we have to fear is fear itself....FEAR???.... Fear This!!

Hav'nt been writting. Havn't been doing much of anything recovery related, with the exception of alot of praying....

I've been wrestling with this fear thing. You know,.. Face Everything And Recover,.. Fuck Everything And Run....and my favorite,.. Fighting Egotistically Against Reality. I ain't been winning either. Not even close!

Fear is what kept me out there for so many years.. I thought I had pushed it so far down that I would not have to worry about it EVER... Nor would I have to confront it or deal with that irrational thinking it possess once I started recovery.   I was confident that once I started doing what I should have been doing,. It would magically leave or just not be a problem.. Wrong. I was driven by thousands of forms of fear. And although many and I do mean many have dissipated to some degree, I have so many more to deal with. ...I am not exhuming things that are better left alone...Can't bury them deep enough anyway it seems.

 I could write for days about this..and maybe I should?? This is not phobia's,,..then again, Fear of Fear itself is just that.. a phobia. I can get real discombobulated real fast....lol.

I would like to get a discussion started right here, on this blog about fear and what it is, was, doing to you, done to you etc. etc. I need Help with this...Its very apparent to me. Have talked with others in recovery, have brought it up in meetings...The suggestions I hear tell me I have to deal with it..or I will use it as an excuse to do other things..that come way to easy to me.

Your comments are so welcome!!

Clean  jft

I Don't Mind.

"It is not death we should fear, but never beginning to live." - Marcus Aurelius

For years, I did not really live: I simply existed. What many people take for granted I did not have: friends, vacations, job satisfaction, gratitude, family, communication, and love of self. An aspect of my disease was thinking I was happy without any evidence. Indeed, my lifestyle indicated progressive isolation. That is illusion. A recovering alcoholic shared that early in recovery he saw a sunset and remarked, "How long has that been happening?" Like him, I missed so much! Life can be lived or endured-the choice is mine. My spiritual recovery means every day I reach out to life and grasp it, hold it, smell it-and smile.

All In One Word

Its Not Stressful when I slow down and follow directions.... Good Orderly Directions.