Lonesome on the Trail

This too Shall Pass..................and I am dam ready for it to!

I hear a lot in recovery about pain. I have experienced more pain than I ever knew existed while trying to learn how to live life without using dope. I swear it has ripped my soul out more times than I choose to recall. It has also made seek out relief in other means {(that were freely given to me)} than "something outside of myself that would change the way I feel"..............."when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change".........well I know for this struggling addict, that is only clean today because of the grace of God,....will change.             PAIN,  The great motivator.

This too shall pass.   

Boy You're Gonna Carry That Weight a long Time

I wonder if I will ever learn that I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!  I have spent the past few days in a very familiar place that for some reason, I seem to find much to often in my sick ass life!  Don't know if my heart is broken in a million pieces or I just do not know what to do ?????   If I knew that shooting my veins full of dope would somehow take away the pain I would definitely not be here. Dope quit being my friend some time ago and I miss it as much as I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. IT don't work no more!!! The only thing I had that I could turn to in these troubled times was just as big a fake and lair as IT had changed MY VERY self into.

Now I sat and wonder ( Which is absolutely the worst thing I could ever do) with this sick brain of mine. I had faith at one point in my recovery.........its just as hard to get out of my own way and capture it again.
Maybe I'll start with hope. This little miniscule amount I still do have, perhaps just may grow into that illusive faith I want so bad and wish to possess again..

Clean and dope free one more day!!

Sometime all I need is the air that I breath

Holy Hell!!!!   What in the world happened? I have had the worst time that I have ever known for the last 7 months...I definitely know that my disease is stronger than ever. However I still am able to pull something out of each day that I am thankful for...no mater how bad things this burnt out piece of meat that resides between my ears tells me it is.

I had another bad reaction to the interferon that was part of my chemo for Hep C and cirrhosis. I was told I could have them for several months, but I had one previous to this one so I should not have any more.At least that's what I thought she said. And oh yea, Its not going to bother me any more so I didn't have to go back for my levels to be checked..Great addict behavior there LOL... It will always get someone else , not me!  Yet .Anyway one of the symptoms of advanced Cirrhosis is that my sick liver starts to make ammonia. For 23 days and nights I knew know one nor where I was at. That was the worst time in my life so far; Horrible scared to death every second of nearly every day.

About the time that was getting better, I was awakened one morning with blood in and dripping out of my mouth!!! Now what is up with this shit???  Comes to find out  Cirrhosis causes varicose veins to form in your esophagus and bulge out and actually burst and if bad enough you hemorrhage to death. They flew me to Nashville to my transplant doc. He put me to sleep and went down my esophagus and put small tiny bands to stop the blood flow to the varicose veins that have formed.   And then one time at band camp>>>>lol   sorry for rambling so much.

Have one more I really need to talk about , My girl friend for the last 3 years started using again, or should i say she just got tired of trying to hide it from me.  We fought all the time and was so broke we could not even pay attention.  I finally got enough Wednesday morning when she cam in the bed room and proceeded to beat the hell out of me with a crutch for going to bed without waking her off the couch first,  This is a big ole mess now , she got my 80 yr. old mother involved by calling over 100 times a day. The law too is involved so everything I own except for 2 pair of jeans and a shirt or 2 is at the apartment and I have to wait till we go to court on the 25th to see what the judge is gonna do.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Wow!!!  Just wanted to stop by to thank each and everyone who has taken their time to leave such kind words of suggestions or just to say hi. They ALL really mean the world to me right now. To me, someones time is the most precious gift that can be received.

Back later.......

Jerry

I am still living with your ghost!!

I am as sick as I can ever remember... This ole tore up liver is letting me know how bad I treated it and he is pissed off big time!!! Thank God above and some GREAT physicians that treated a sick man... Not a low life addict.. So many times in the past I would go to doctors and tell them something is wrong with me I just know it...After a little history was taken and The words RECOVERING ADDICT came out....well, my time was done and so was his, hers...But I had a Diagnosis .....I felt so bad and my belly was swollen the size of a nice watermelon..and oh yea even that jaundice and yellow eyes could be explained sometimes!!   It is the disease of addiction or better known around here as,,,,a Damn ole dope head... I am very lucky indeed to even be considered for the transplant list......so many others will never get that chance..... And I'll be in Nashville Tn. at Vanderbilt medical center First thing Monday morning!!!!

My liver has started making ammonia. This causes me to be crazier and more confused than normal...Its just one of the things that suck with a failing liver. I am starting to tolerate it much better than 6 months ago and Now I can't even hide behind ......lol  I'm crazy as hell naturally LOL!!!

Send Lawyers Guns and Money.....One more time!!

It looks like another month has finished beating on me....(oh poor me..lol )This little 28 day runt has certainly left some hard healing wounds on me and my soul to say the least.    I have court at 1pm tomorrow for being indicted on 1 count of sale of a schedule III drug..Hydrocodone. Found out that my own home county That I reside in, was also out to get this ole recovering junkie .So there went another 2000 dollars to the bail bondsman to pay my20K bail. But I am very thankful for his service........

3/4/13.... Gonna quit bitching for a minute. Went before the judge today and same thing happened that happen in the other county that I have charges pending. Just appointed me to the  public defender after finding out I was on disability due to being right below knee amputee, hepatitis C and advanced cirrhosis.   Dam I hate this. I don't have a clue whats going to go down with this, I am supposedly on camera selling a hydro to a dirtbag informant. If I know only one ounce of truth about me it is that I have NEVER sold a pill in my entire addiction career!! Buying pills?........ well that's a different story! I can remember buying loads of pills with the intent of selling some several times in the past, but I always wound up using every dam on of em!! LOL!! Just like the good addict that I am....lol,  Any way, So i am definitely staying with the truth. Not worrying bout this to much, I have an appointment at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville on Friday the 8th. I am fortunate enough to have a chance to be placed on the transplant list. My liver doc in Jackson has connections there and after my condition was reviewed by the docs, Hematologist at V'bilt, I was contacted immediately by them to "get to them asap" ! I'm ready, been sick as hell these last few weeks and some days I do feel like I am dying. Just taking it a day at a time.... 

Black hole sun want you wash away the fear

Wow ! what a day.....spent all day in Memphis getting my leg worked on. My girl and I sat in a little room for over 5 hours waiting. How dare you make me wait!!!! LOL !! Don't they know who I am? and how important I am???  They could care less except for the fact that I am a customer. A customer that is going to lay down probably around $26K for a new leg in the very near future.  Its just another case of life on life's terms and not mine. And sometime I hate it.... Patients is not a big attribute for me...