Wow is all I can say for the past few days.  Shellie and I have been attending a lot of meetings lately. 5 days ago my front bridge broke when I fell so hard that it knocked all 3 front teeth on the bridge out! Dam! White hot pain seared through my face and out the top of my head like a hot poker!! Have been dealing with the pain with Ibuprofen  and doing surprisingly well controlling it. I guess the reason nothing would help my pain when I was using except hard narcotics is the fact I never tried anything else.. I do have an appointment with my buddy the dentist on Thursday to get started on the repairing of my mouth. Not looking forward to it at all. I hate dentist and the pain that they cause..I tell my friend that I think he gets some kind of enjoyment causing pain as a dentist. He just laughs and says " Yea and I cant wait to get you in the chair ole boy"....and now he gets to!!  He is aware of my history has known me all my life so I dont have to worry about talking him out of some pain pills that I cant take. My disease will no doubt be wide awake telling me this a time that is justified for me to get some legal dope.And yes it may very well be but my allergy has grown so sever to all narcotics that I know if I take just one I will not stop until I am back in rehab, locked up in jail or covered up in the cementary. I am just not ready to take that chance again right now.

Some days just not doing dope is as good as it gets. I am finding myself repeating this phrase way to much, especially in the last couple of months. Having another string of bad luck it seems....its just life on life's terms not mine. Not ready to crawl back into the blackness and feel the pity and defeat i just have crawled out of. I just want a life again...I do know this is not how I want to remain ..I want the wife the home the career again and I would prefer to be right smack dab in the middle of it right now. I have found, what I thought was something that was never to be found again, and that is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She shared the same thoughts with me and things looked great for this ole one legged  drug addict!  But....ah yes, the one word that crushes my very sole sometimes....BUT   I know this to shall pass. It shall pass and I wonder how much of me it will take with it..Perhaps that is the only way I give up......it has to be removed from my life instead of me choosing to let it go.....I know I feel much better when there is less resistance, I just never get to experience it anymore. I want to fix things because I believe things can be fixed,,, Hell, I might get lucky this time, Even the losers do sometime. I hear this gets better too.

Self centered? say it ain't so...HA!

Now that I have wallowed in my own slop and mire of self pity it might be a good idea to come up for air. Things are just like they were, still have no clue what to do next to find a bit of hope in this even if there is any to be found. Just simply have grown tired of the same old thing and have no energy nor interest in giving this any power today. What will be will surly be with or without any of my directions. I am not the only person on this planet....although that is exactly what makes me an addict and thankfully today a recovering addict who has not found it necessary to fill my veins full of something that will change the way I feel or looked to something outside myself to do the job either which is a miracle in itself.   Coming up on 2 years clean and sober and feeling like I have been on a run for the last month......They say things will get better.   

Where Do all the Dead People Go?: Murky Messengers

Where Do all the Dead People Go?: Murky Messengers

not much different today. Just questions of why. A lot of work and energy was put in on this, now it seems if it was all for nothing. I guess....just do not know much about anything anymore. So tired of being miserable so tired of fucking up everything that was good in my life. tired of making horrible memories. Really what I had planned was to make great memories. Something needs to change. I know its me.......but i just cant do it for some reason. My intentions were always good and things were going my way and for once it was also the right way, agreeable to all. Black cats everywhere crossing my path...Just wish I had some sort of reassurance any at all would help. Maybe There is none because there is none. how have I wound up here again??? i was born, I had a good childhood, I lost my leg in a farm accident at 15, I overcame that,,,I went on to make a ton of money with a career in construction,,,,I have had some of the most beautiful women in the world love me. I lost everything more than once to drug addiction. I married and was divorced 2 years later but not legally. I have had girlfriends half my age. I have had my heart broken into 10 million tiny pieces to the point of nervous breakdowns.......I have lost everything again and didnt care if I ever had a dime to my name again...I have layed awake for days at a time wondering what to do. I searched my soul to an un- imaginable depth when the only woman I ever loved up to that point left me for a woman while i was in rehab fighting daily for my life, I took drinks and cigarets to a woman that was in a recovery house for women and was there for her through broken hips, broken arms and other injuries she received while trying to learn to walk, I loved her to a point that I did not know existed on the love scale and found out how to love and love for real and to know without a doubt what I want in life from a partner only to take a sleeping pill one night loose my mind and say things about her she trusted me with.  but through all of this I never lost hope.....till now...God help me one more time...you have got to be getting pretty tired of me by now.

Next time I'll get it right, Just need 1.

back to that ole familiar pain that only an addict junkie hopeless shell of a human being like myself knows.I have known this part of the disease of addiction for far to many times and I do not want to feel it or feel anything right now..if using would help , i would be first in line today.I have seen some hard cold days but nothing compares to this self destruction that I am living now. Its like starving for that drink of cold water on a 100 degree day and spilling it on the ground after having a taste.I held and got to be held by the only thing on this earth that made life so wonderful. I only had the privilege of knowing this for way to short of a time. This really needs to keep going. Oh so many people would give any and everything they have just to know a glimpse of what I have shared. Oh my goodness I never knew this feeling existed., my twisted brain will someday stop ruling my heart that is good and full of love that needs so bad to give all it has.