Gets better

Hiding Pain

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive. -James Baldwin

I open my heart to my Higher Power

Pain grows in hiding. Recovery teaches me not to hide my pain and suffering from myself or from my Higher Power. When I bring my most honest and pure self to the fore, when I am truly willing to turn over my angst to a power greater than myself, something changes. I let go and create space for a shift in perception. I experience a quiet awakening in my life, and forces that I did not allow to enter my life before, come in to heal me. I will open the door today and let the parts of me come forward into my own consciousness that I too often shove away and shut down. After all it's only more of me. Once these parts of me find legs, they walk; once these parts of me find a voice, they share and speak, they find words. And once they find words, I understand.

I kept the right ones out...and let the wrong ones in.

I feel pretty good today for some reason..Not going to question it to much..although that is what I am really good at..Dam near a pro!... it also helps me stay sick.

This dam cirrhosis seems to make me feel sick all the time and has for a while now. It doesn't prevent me from thinking positive. There is good days and bad days in every dis-ease that exist.  I'll be the first to tell ya, especially on the bad days that I catch myself thinking I am hopeless...I will never feel better..This is as good as it gets...My dis-ease loves this type of thinking. I know it has me then, just as my disease knows.  Recovery stops and addict behavior starts. Even though I may have "justification for feeling not-so-u- to- Parr".. does not mean I have "justification to lay down" mentally. ...This is when this addict has to do anything but....and sometimes I get paralyzed with fear, when I do not instinctively now how to handle this..Yet......Recovery from the day to day destruction I put myself thru takes time...So do the NEW things that come along since / when  I chose to live life.. on life's terms.

I am so grateful for the good days...but they would not exists  if it were not for the bad ones.


clean jft

All we have to fear is fear itself....FEAR???.... Fear This!!

Hav'nt been writting. Havn't been doing much of anything recovery related, with the exception of alot of praying....

I've been wrestling with this fear thing. You know,.. Face Everything And Recover,.. Fuck Everything And Run....and my favorite,.. Fighting Egotistically Against Reality. I ain't been winning either. Not even close!

Fear is what kept me out there for so many years.. I thought I had pushed it so far down that I would not have to worry about it EVER... Nor would I have to confront it or deal with that irrational thinking it possess once I started recovery.   I was confident that once I started doing what I should have been doing,. It would magically leave or just not be a problem.. Wrong. I was driven by thousands of forms of fear. And although many and I do mean many have dissipated to some degree, I have so many more to deal with. ...I am not exhuming things that are better left alone...Can't bury them deep enough anyway it seems.

 I could write for days about this..and maybe I should?? This is not phobia's,,..then again, Fear of Fear itself is just that.. a phobia. I can get real discombobulated real fast....lol.

I would like to get a discussion started right here, on this blog about fear and what it is, was, doing to you, done to you etc. etc. I need Help with this...Its very apparent to me. Have talked with others in recovery, have brought it up in meetings...The suggestions I hear tell me I have to deal with it..or I will use it as an excuse to do other things..that come way to easy to me.

Your comments are so welcome!!

Clean  jft

I Don't Mind.

"It is not death we should fear, but never beginning to live." - Marcus Aurelius

For years, I did not really live: I simply existed. What many people take for granted I did not have: friends, vacations, job satisfaction, gratitude, family, communication, and love of self. An aspect of my disease was thinking I was happy without any evidence. Indeed, my lifestyle indicated progressive isolation. That is illusion. A recovering alcoholic shared that early in recovery he saw a sunset and remarked, "How long has that been happening?" Like him, I missed so much! Life can be lived or endured-the choice is mine. My spiritual recovery means every day I reach out to life and grasp it, hold it, smell it-and smile.

All In One Word

Its Not Stressful when I slow down and follow directions.... Good Orderly Directions.

But Something Touched Me Deeeeep Inside..The Day The Music Died.

I do not know why I put off writing. I guess I like to wallow around and obsess about my feelings. Then the compulsion to keep doing it sets in... and I go around and around until I'm spinning out of control. Out of control and alone with my feelings is one of the most dangerous places for me to be.
That is when I have learned that using some tools that I have been given to even the playing field or should I say the battle field, help me get back in the moment. I do not always pick these tools up when I need them. In fact when I'm obsessing and com-pulsing  over something, I forget about them.

That is why for me, it is important to have some kind of schedule of doing things for my recovery. When I show up at a scheduled time, the things (Tools) that I have put there are still there. Example. If I pray and meditate at a certain time daily, I know that from 5 to 6 a.m. daily that is where I'll be. Or, if I write in a journal nightly just before going to bed. I will be there nightly. I may write the date and time and nothing else, but I showed up. ..........doing this also puts structure to my life. Plus it builds accountability to myself and recovery.

anyway, back to the writing. When I put my thoughts and feelings down on paper where I can see them., it helps me to see patterns that I have developed. Then I can write about that. Pretty soon that weight starts to lift off of my shoulders, my backache is gone and my sinus actually feel more clear... and I can breath!!! There is a lot to learn about ourselves when we put "us" down on paper.

Clean jft

Every Silver Lining Has a Touch of Grey

For the past 2 months I could count on one thing. The fact that my ex GF would be calling and texting me every hour or so. I try not to take someone elses  inventory other than mine, so I will not start doing so now. She is an addict. The only difference between she and I is, I am not using. Enough said about that.
I did answer the phone today when she called. She had called to tell me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had over-dosed and was dead. I have received far to many of those calls.... She had been one of the first to find him. It was her first time of seeing this part of this disease. I know how it feels. So does she.

All of us addicts do not always recover. I've read and heard it said many times, "Some of us will die so that others can live" But it is our choice. Sometime all of this just doesn't make sense...There is one thing that does make sense to me, If I am clean today and If I do tomorrow what I did today, there is a good chance I will stay clean tomorrow. I pray for this addict and his family, that they may find the comfort that is in understanding.

Clean JFT.