Somebody tell the truth

Boy have I gotten myself in a mess. I swear when this one is over I am through with relationships and chasing women for good.  I am a addict to the bone. I do not have the first clue about how to have a relationship. I believe in the all or nothing thing from day one. You are suppose to madly in heat and stay that way for as long as possible. As soon as it starts to fade, withdraw into that comfortable rut and ride it out till they leave. Which for me it is an average of 4 .3 years. Walk around with your head down , move back home to the house you grew up in, that's just a way of making "living with your mother" not sting so bad when you say it. Drive yourself mad by obsessing on the good times you had with her back when you were both in heat. Never go to bed, sleep in the chair at the computer. Ah yes ....the computer. Your new wonderland of loose women pretending to be what they wish they were.  They appeal to you however. The pictures they post of the gorgeous ladies in nice clothing and very nice bodies are just what the doctor ordered for you to get over your broken heart. But instead you obsess to the point of having a nervous breakdown about how they are not the one that just left. You are getting older and you were lucky as hell that the last one you had was into or liked older men. It took you perhaps your entire life to find such a perfect woman for you and you can only imagine

Go cart mozart was checking out the weather charts seeing if it was safe outside

Want to know how to make God laugh?......Make plans. Have not had a chance to have anymore rounds with this gut slinger. It seems I just don't give a dam about it anymore. Its not worth even risking the che chance that i might find it in my twisted mind a reason to use.   There will no doubt be plenty more situations that will seem hopeless at first that God will have to help me through them also.

Sometime I think that the truly sickest people are the ones that appear the sainest. I have seen beautiful drop dead georgous women, so perfect in every way at first.  They always have a smile on their face, the go out of their to help others, they are polite, seem highly intelegent, a great career and plenty of everything. Then find them an hour or so after work crying because they are so miserable that their life will never change. They feel somehow doomed or sentenced to this life of misery. This is of course all on the inside. When you do get them to talk and actually tell whats going on, the most strangest things seem to come out of their mouth. Its all about how their circumstances will never change. You can share what you hear in recovery very descreetly of course with them and no matter how positive they always will disagree and say they are indeed doomed.    This is closed mindedness  and self reliance at its best. I just pray (for one in particular) That they will start to take suggestions and realize that a job making 12 an hour is much better than none. That at the end of bill paying they have 20 dollars left and it is 20 times better than none. However some will turn to what I did to stop the pain only to find more.  Surrender could save alot of un-necessary pain. Its that simple.

And the 3 men I admire most; The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost

Friendship often ends in love; but love ending in friendship - Never. Oh how I wish it could. Things could get alot better alot faster. Round 3 was pretty event free. For me it was only a war in my head. nevr manifested pass my twisted thoughts of how I still can't accept the past as it is. Why I feel so desperate to fix things that another person did to me?  Watch every word that comes out of my mouth. In fear that they will take something wrong and be gone. To feel as if they are just barely hanging on in the first place. And that they were the one that initiated this and contacted me?   LOL  Spoken just like the good addict I am. No wonder I doped all the time!!  I sure cannot make this horse drink thats for sure. I beleive its not thirsty to begin with. But the last thing on earth I want to see is it turn and run and all all can do is watch.

The only difference that I see is you are exactly the same as you used to be

Well it started.Round 1 and I'm not to beat up at all. Just a little bruised and thats just ego. .....you know ego....its the same as fat. You loose some and gain some and usually more of it than you had to start with. It never totally leaves just expands and constricts. I did even get to experience on of the most honest puriest moments I ever have in my life. I was told by this person that they were proud of me......Tears and a smile filled my face at the same time as a barrel full of joy wased over me from head to toe....man I love those recovery rushes!!!It could have been such a mutual thing too but the other partie is damaged. To what extent I dont know but I will before this is over, as well as find out where my recovery is lacking the most. Want to share this...I prayed to God , talked to God as if he were sitting in the chair next to me about this. I told him how I felt I was ready. Then it happens. I get my prayer answered and I forgot to be more specific. I got what I wanted with all my heart and soul, its just not in the same condition as it once was. And for the first time ever it need s me, Though right now that is not eveen a thought for the other involved. I am only doing this because I want to be free from the insanity. My intentions I stated last post. Something has to change in the way I have been

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy, the man did he look pretty ill.

Well I see it coming, no not a relapse something else with powerful emotions attached. I am an emotional cripple but I cant run from it and do not know why. I know I will come out with my guts in a basket, yet I am not afraid to go through it. I am just tired of running and dodging it, going out of my way to avoid it and yet nothing ever changes. When its printed out on this screen it does warrant something else, some other type action, some other thoughts. Sometimes I think my heart is to big. My serenity is being affected by this to much. Its time to do something different. I have to come to accept this. amd this is the way it is. I can removemyself but I am always found. I do not have the heart to be mean. I do not want to hurt and I do not want to hurt someone else. In the middle of recovery is a hell of a place to be with those thoughts.  This will all make sense befor I stop completely.

How long to the point of no return

Its 2:53 in the morning. I should be asleep or at the very least sleepy...Was up most of the night last night with my back hurting... Pulled a muscle on my left side and it only hurts when I blink. Have had so much on my mind the past few days.   I am wanting to get on with my life.  Not worried about getting anything back or things being like they were before...I do not want things like before!!!  Who in there right mind would want that hell....No , I'm ready to get on wiyh a new life. One that I dont have a clue what to do. One that I will have to let my higher power do the navagation. And I suppose I will get when he is ready,,,, No when he desides that I am ready to handle it.  I have been trying since 1993 for some of these sayings in recovery to make sence to me and for me to want to apply them in my life. I do have a few that I live by today ,,they are that important to me...not just nice things to say at meetings so everyone would like me and be in awe about my recovery....It took me along time to recoginize those people didnt come to that meeting and single me out as there way to recovery.  My ego is about 1000 times bigger than it should be. You should have seen the size of it when I first started coming around these rooms!!!  LOL  Yes it was quiet a shock when I found out that what I thought was words of wisdom that you needed to here coming out of my mouth was a desperate dying addict crying for help......and the people around those tables didnt care what i was saying , they were just glad I showed up...They loved me till i could love myself.....then they told me to shut the hell up and listen!!!   No that came long before I was able to love myself let me tell ya. The people in these rooms taught me how to live my life without drugs, to open my mind to the chance that there might be a power greater than me...and even though I could not see it, it was there and had the power to remove the obsession to use drugs from me. God as I understand him got me clean and keeps me clean on a daily basis...The people in these rooms all over the world teach me how to carry on and live my life when I am clean, without my veins full of dope... and to remind me that I only have a daily repreve from the insanity of addiction. I am constantly only one fix, drink, pill away from the blackness and nothingness of active addiction......to offer free what was so freely given to me to the newcomer and the addict that still suffers....I have gained that attitude of gratitude that will keep any addict from useing just for today... I love and I am grateful for this fellowship, this program and my higher power whom i choose to call God...not necessarily in that order and if no one has not told you today that they love you, I do, I love you too.

No Body told me there would be days like these..strange days indeed

First of all I want to apologize for what follows.  I am in recovery to find a way to live without drugs and to have peace. This is driving me mad.  I am grateful for you all who listen.
I know what the old me would do about this ....the new me is lost. That's where sponsor's and others that have had experience with this come into play. I myself, was once called upon by sponcees who were always in the middle of some major crisis, things were new and just not going the way they would like them to. I could advise them and done well as they are still clean today. However, being in recovery 15 months clean from my last relapse, I have trust issues with myself and therefore do not have a clue what to do....Now the part for concern is that I feel so normal thinking as I did in active addiction and that is what scares me. I will continue to pray for willingness to share this with the others or the willingness to become willing.
   The only woman That I have ever loved in my life, the one that left me for a woman for those of you who are not familiar. Has made it plan that she is single again. She contacted me very vaguely on face book. We talked briefly. Before it was over I told her how much I missed her. Her response was really? I left it alone right there. It has not been but a little over 3 months that she contacted me and wanted me back. I agreed and that's when......oh hell!!!...if you are interested in this click the link to my old blog...I am just repeating myself and frankly its quiet sickening to me to relive that shit again.
  I know the old me would go after her with every feeling I had on my sleeve, expecting a grand reconciliation of our differences...just sitting myself up for a disaster so I would have an excuse to get brain dead high. I still love this woman like I did when we first met. I never stopped during our 4 plus years together.She was the one that i was to spend the rest of my life with and we had made all the plans for that.  I can not find one reason why I should stop this........They pain she put me through there has got to be a reason why I should leave her be. There is none. Its like I am suppose to be with her.   Now , enter the new me.  Due to the pain...Let her be. Stay away. Pray about it and then give it to God.....I have stayed out of relationships for 15 months this time and have been doing nothing but working on me and my relationship with my higher power. I have done what was suggested and I work daily to the best of my ability to learn a new sane way of living. I have not used even when I could not find a reason not to. I must be doing something right.

This is my first post . I explained all about how and why I ended up here earlier in my page titled My Introduction. Is the tab right up there by the Home Tab, Just click on it and it should bring you up to this point. I am posting a link to my previous blog I have located at my web website. Click This and you can access the entire blog. It is also posted in the My Introduction page for ease of access.

I have just returned from seeing my no.1 lady. She had to see a psychologist today as part of her requirements to receive disability. For those who dont know she lost her right leg to a blood clotting disorder after having a car wreck. They removed several clots from her legs and even one that was already in her Superior Vena Cava Artery very very close to entering her heart. I think sometimes that the wreck, although she was cracked up out of her mind, very well could have saved her life. No doctor will offically go on the record and agree with me though, Its a matter of science to them and guardian angels do not exsist, on the record. Any way she is cut up from the surgeries. Scared from stomach to chest where they cut her. But she is an amazingly beautiful woman. I see no scars when I look at her. She however thinks she is hideous. The shrink told her what I have told ..any man that loves her will not see scars on beauty. She told him that she new no man would ever want her like this, Thats when I realized that she doesn't feel the same as me when it comes to us. It is a shame how that works. lots of people have others that would do anything for them and love them like they probally never been loved before...but it is one sided.  If the attraction is not there its not there and the best you can hope for is a fairy Tale.....But they do happen. I have helped her alot. make sure she has what she needs while she is in the recovery house. I am not going to stop, I do it because I love her not because she loves me. She is very apprechiative and hugs me and tells me she loves me but its not the kind of love i wish for. And she definitely knows how I feel cause i let her know every time we are together....lol,  Oh well who knows...stay tuned ya might get to see a fairy tale come true..
Will post more tonight........