Boy I have thoroughly beat the hell out of myself today. Been busy in my head and haven't done a dam thing but eat to much junk food and now I feel horrible. Every one I talked to or tried to talk to today was in the same boat as me. Oh and that fueled the twisters between my ears to get busy!! I'm tied up in a hundred knots. mad as hell for allowing myself to get sucked in this nothingness yet again. I would get tree top high if I thought it would help. Been here to many times and tried that to many times before. I cant find one reason not to use, so I'm not going to anyway. Maybe it'll piss this disease off. I would really like that alot!!
Have thought about ways to make some money. Mine is pretty much depleted, so i really need for that to be my priority. Jobs here are all but non existent. I really want to stay here since i met her though. Plus the main reason I came back here was to be near my daughter and grand daughters and even the son-in-law,,,, well.. There is just not any dirt being moved around here. I am open to a career change and I need to really start looking hard at that......Man it is a bitch starting your life from scratch at the age of 47. Hell I had a lot better plan and hold on my future when I was 17 right out of high school than I do now.. I'm just gonna keep showing up for life everyday, do what is put in front of me to do and keep asking God to show me what I am suppose to do.... I wish I was just a little more confident in all this... Got to have faith... those words are so easy to tell someone else. Now I'm telling myself.
I really need to see my girl friend tonight. ...and she just called and needs to see me....that worked perfect!! and I didnt have a hand in it anywhere. lol
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