I have had enough of good and bad. especially when bad is the dominate. Or that is the way it seems. I am sure its probably the way I am looking at things and the way things seem to happen to me. Lol I swear nothing ever last for me. The things that do come that I have waited my entire life for will give me just enough for me to be oh so grateful for, to really appreciate what i have and to make my life so happy, joyous and free. For me to gain confidence in myself, for me to realize that even I get lucky sometimes and with this new addition to my life it will make it possible for me to accomplish anything. To Get a break. To know love to know happiness. to know what it takes and to be able to do it for once in my life. To think to myself "oh my God I did not know it was possible for a person to feel this good. I have not ever had any drug or anything else make me feel this Great".............Then, in a blink of an eye, its all gone. And there I am once again....in total dis belief that it is over, Gone, No more just as it was getting started.
So I am setting my sites on a form of thinking that for some reason seems the only thing that will save my life. I do have such a strong will to live. I have survived with my body parts being strewn all over a hay field like the scarecrow on the wizard of oz when the flying monkeys attacked him and "they threw my legs over there and they threw my arm over there"...lol !!! then laying out there in 90 degree weather for 8 hours and not loosing conscience or bleeding to death. To surviving horrible infections growing into gangrene which brought with it brain killing fevers of 106 and 107 for extended periods of time when I was packed down with garbage bags full of ice to try and break the fever. To being put to sleep 56 times for surgeries to save my life. To receiving 118 units of blood over 3 month period that I had a horrible reaction to and went into hepatic shock which I do not recall any of the 3 days I was bat shit crazy out of my mind. To surviving all of this to heal and finally leave my 4 month hospital stay and to be fitted with a prosthetic leg that when I first put it on, what was left of my shin bone below the knee shot out the end of my stump sending me back to the hospital once again for more surgeries. To coming home so addicted to morphine at the ripe ole age of 15 that I would have done anything to get my hands on it. But turned to massive amounts of high alcohol content liquor and my uncles endless valium supply to get me through till I could con doctors out of writing scrips for the "less addictive" demerol. To some how making it through mixing massive quantities of pills and liquor, and so much more in the last 33 yrs it makes my head spin. The heartless and soul less people I was involved with as well as my own actions and behavior while there. Every time I was in those places I would always think that "if I can only live through this, I know something better will be there for me". Everyone knows the saying, the quote: "When one door closes another door opens" well I'm stuck in the hallway and I can see and have saw several doors, but they are all locked. I do want to live...I have a Great passion for life... I do want to live a good life and I have so much to offer. This is in my heart and soul...all I want Is to live the rest of my life with the woman I love. Living and loving our life and life in general. To continue to grow each day and give to each other and the world what we have accomplished together and as individuals. To lend a helping hand to others to just sit and listen if that's all that is required. To be happy joyous and free. To let God guide us to where we are to be the most beneficial to each other and as well to others also. Would Someone Please Tell Me What Is Wrong With Wanting That
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