But its only Tylenol

This was more dangerous to my health and is what caused my liver damage. My doc says " you have done more damage with this one drug than you did with all the others you abused combined".... and its avaliable without a prescription at every store and corner market in America. And is also in most all drugs that are abused today. ..Just goes to show that anything associated with addiction has a potential hazard.

I've been thru diamonds I've been through minks

This is about a week now that i have been sick. The swelling in my good leg returned and literly split the skin open in places. It got infected even with all i was doing to prevent it. Went to DR. last Tuesday and got loaded up with antibiotics. It does look much better and seems to be healing. Just hurts like hell.  We had a discussion about the pain I was having with it. I can't even take over the counter stuff like advil and tylenol because of my screwed up liver. I was slipping an advil or two when it got really bad and did'nt see how it would harm anything. My liver functions jumped nearly a thousand points which was why he wanted to have the discussion. He said he was thinking about putting me on methadone for the pain control since my prognosis with this looks like several years yet to go and the pain is worse than ever. Never knew your liver could hurt so bad sometimes. I  do not want to be strung out on methadone!!! but I do not want to hurt. My liver cant handle any anti inflamatory drugs NSAID's. Says the benifit does not come close to the damage it would cause. And as addicted as I am to any opioid I agree with him not even considering those. I still remember my last dose very well and not willing to go back there today. At least with the methadone he can monitor my dose and when I am pain free I can be tapered off. Even though that is a hell of its own. I keep praying about it so I know the best will happen.

Send Lawyers Guns and money........

Scientist have located the part of an addicts brain that makes them crave dope. Check it out , click on the link below....



http://www.livescience.com/15053-reward-seeking-environment-link-addiction-craving.html

worry is lack of faith. And asking why I worry does nothing but make me worry more. Then the obsessive nature of my twisted addicted brain takes over. I sit and stare into nothing as if I was watching something remarkable or like I have just seen a Ghost. (been there already and seen my share) Not getting any better today but getting by.

Its been a lonesome day today for me. I have not been feeling well for the past couple of days and today was the worst. I was pretty much asleep all day. whenever I sat down I was out like a light. My girl has her children this week-end and other things to do so that turned out good because I didn't want to go anywhere tonight. Its days like these that always make me think about the damage I done to myself in active addiction. I have been checked out for all the major stuff and i am fine. I can never get an answer on how long it takes the human body to "settle" down after the dope is stopped, we are all different and what some seem to get over quickly or never have at all, some seem to stay sick or sick feeling for a very long time. I naturally belong to the last group. Its alot easier for me to count the days I feel pretty good......and it is possible that its part of my twisted self centeredness at work. Paying very close attention to every little ache and pain and nothing else till it is blown out of proportion. Probably why its so hard to diagnose us addicts.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the gales of November come crashing??

Humility,  Would love to hear what this principal means to you and how you implement it in your life.......Thanks, Jerry B.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Talk about things that nobody cares.....wearing out things that nobody wears

I just got home from my date with Nancy. Wow did we ever have a great time or what??? that was probally the best date I have ever been on even if you were to leave out the sex . We always do have a wonderful time with each other. I believe this one would work out. We have been dating close to a month now and every date out does the one before. I am very happy with her. I can be myself. For once in my life no drug is involved in this relationship. She is not in recovery and has not ever been. The only drug she has ever taken was pain meds  ie hydrocodone prescribed by her dentist. She ask me one night "have you ever taken any of those hydrocodiens? They make me feel like I am on another planet..lol"   "Yea babe,.... I  probally have taken several barrels full in my lifetime".    She got this puzzeled look on her face and said  " Y  what on earth for???  lol "  well its taken me 30 years to ask that same question to myselfand all i can come up with is i am a addict and thats what we do......oh ok.    And then on with the night we went. She is a super person. she is involved with her church helping other less fortunate people in the community.  who would have ever thought i of all people would be found to be a good man and very interested in getting to know me by someone like her??  It doesnt matter. I am so very thakful she does. My mother even likes her..lol

She had been born with a face that would let her get her way, he saw that face and he lost all control..

Live and let live or loose your mind worrying .Just because i think a certain way or choose to live my life a certain way does not mean anyone should follow. In fact you would be a hell of a lot better off if you don't follow me. I might really fuck someone up or more realistically you would fuck you own self up.  This is always a sore subject with me. I would go to meetings all over Memphis in the early 90s and would see some of the same people at each meeting I went to.  I was sick as dog physically and as empty on the inside as a human could possibly get. I was totally bankrupt spiritually and I attended meeting because that's where I got to feeling better. I would calm down listening to others share. There always was one person out of the group that would say something that would help me. Then that same person would be at the next meeting and would do it again on another topic. I got to looking forward to seeing that person at meetings because I knew that I was going to feel better. I had heard it said before not to put others on a pedestal that I was surely setting myself up for a let down. But what was it hurting by me taking what this addict said to heart? Well I found out that when early recovery like I was then that i would latch on to another in ways I should not and not even know I was doing it. It got to be where i looked for this addict to say what I needed to hear for me to stay clean that day or for me just to find a little hope that I wasn't going to die. And by doing this I would not be growing in recovery. I would forget or never know he is sick just like i am and is only another recovering addict. Yes he has many years of clean time and a very good recovery program that he works daily. But he will no doubt have a bad day here
and

All that you are feeling right now is silly human pride

Boy I have thoroughly beat the hell out of myself today. Been busy in my head and haven't done a dam thing but eat to much junk food and now I feel horrible. Every one I talked to or tried to talk to today was in the same boat as me. Oh and that fueled the twisters between my ears to get busy!!  I'm tied up in a hundred knots. mad as hell for allowing myself to get sucked in this nothingness yet again.  I would get tree top high if I thought it would help. Been here to many times and tried that to many times before. I cant find one reason not to use, so I'm not going to anyway. Maybe it'll piss this disease off. I would really like that alot!! 
Have thought about ways to make some money. Mine is pretty much depleted, so i really need for that to be my priority. Jobs here are all but non existent. I really want to stay here since i met her though. Plus the main reason I came back here was to be near my daughter and grand daughters and even the son-in-law,,,, well.. There is just not any dirt being moved around here. I am open to a career change and I need to really start looking hard at that......Man it is a bitch starting your life from scratch at the age of 47. Hell I had a lot better plan and hold on my future when I was 17 right out of high school than I do now.. I'm just gonna keep showing up for life everyday, do what is put in front of me to do and keep asking God to show me what I am suppose to do.... I wish I was just a little more confident in all this... Got to have faith... those words are so easy to tell someone else. Now I'm telling myself.
I really need to see my girl friend tonight. ...and she just called and needs to see me....that worked perfect!!  and I didnt have a hand in it anywhere. lol

I saw a young hawk flying and my soul began to rise I said next time we'll get it right!

Great day today. What I thought would be history by now has settled in. I have worked to keep my mouth shut and only concentrate on pushing the positive. Take responsibility for my part in this and actually do something beside setting with my head down when things do not go my way.Really look at the situation and see where there needs attention and what kind. Let the things that I know very little about alone. Pray ask for guidance and leave it alone till I feel I have the correct answer. The old me would be the first to call out with "you make me feel this way or that when you do this or that". I expected my needs and wants met. I was always ready to offer my kind jester or what ever but I had to recieve what I thought I should be getting first..And if it never came I was sure gonna let you now how bad you are to me and I do not deserve this..lol  My goodness how did I ever stay in a relationship long enough to ever concieve a child is above me. I sure as hell would not accept me and who I was.

Its all up to you but what ever you do Take it easy on me........

Well we rocked on the rest of the week, she called as she was taking her son to school and we would talk till she sat down at her desk 25 minutes later. She would call every second she had free and would make sure she had as many breaks as possible, rushing through her work. Lunch time was spent on the phone, I wanted to know everything that she was and she the same about me. The drive home was the same with the exception the main topic was where we were going to meet for what little time she had. Wednesday came and didnt hear from her till later on in the morning I could tell something was wrong. We were texting now. we met that night and she informed about her situation. Now, This is one of the Rich higher class ladies we all know about and have seen. She explains since her seperation with her husband, she is married still, That she has not had any money to spare. She has to rely on him to pay rent and alot of other things. Oh yea He is still crazy in love with her and wants her back home. He is also inlove with his ex wife, the reason they are seperated and my lady moved out,,,,....She is forced to barely get by and its taking its toll on her. She is faced with the decission to either go back home to man she doesnt love or just not make it.   Enter me..lol   I was suppose to be her saving grace. With the money to help her get out and stay out. Get divorced, something that he will have no part of because he wants her back.  So she is a miserable lady, Absolutely refuses to humble herself and live like she should.  She and I had a great night Friday. Stayed together here alone with no distractions... She said then she was in love with me......Sunday she comes and I introduce her to my family...Monday I am with here all night....Another great one...Tuesday is good till she gets home...has no food....takes her son to his dads.....calls me and is worried because I havnt called......then starts with an attitude of a bitch when I avoid commenting on her money situation.....I offer to buy her groceries so at least they can eat........she said no, sheis no charity case......says i preach and lecture her.....I am telling the truth to her.......dont hear from her for a while and i text her and ask what did i do to make her mad........she says she is not mad, just down.......I offer to listen to her ,,,,,,she says she does not need comforting......I know she needs money. I have none. I want to help. I cant do a dam thing but sit here and watch the one that I have waited for my entire life get away just because of money.....She has to have it to live we all do. If I had it I would give it too her in a second, I think of all the tens of thousands I threw away on dope and gave to strippers.....she has stayed with me as long as love will let her.....now she is forced to get money for her on survival.   I have never been in this situation before. I have no clue what to do I am barely making it. I know she was reling on me to be her rock i do believe that with all i am.....I wonder if anyone knows just how painful and devestating it is to have to watch the most beautiful and attention giving loveable woman i have waited for all my life have to go through this pain. Then walk away and out of my life forever........how much more can i take??  I knew there was a reason I had chose to learn how not to feel........I just wish it would have worked.

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Do you remember when we use to sing sh la la la la la la la la te la de da

Yesterday was the first full day of me letting things be. Not adding any of my feelings to anything. Meet my latest addiction in Jackson.  She called freeking out like the sky had just fallen on her and I was the only one that could get her out. So I received about 30 calls in a 40 minute ride. All of which were directed at me not being there yet. LOL  Got ta love these drama queens. I hope she never finds out about this blog and reads it....lol   well we wont be together long anyway. I am sure I can keep her unaware of it. Anyway while I'm on the subject. let me introduce her. She is a very beautiful lady. In fact she is my dream girl. Ever since I have been interested in girls, which started for me around the age of 5 or 6, the image of the girl in my dreams has been the same. On Friday the 23 rd day of September 2011 at about 6:30 p.m. in the parking lot of the McDonalds in Trenton TN.  I came eye to eye with the girl I have dreamed of all my life. I really do not know what either one of us said for the first 30 minutes but we have not quit talking since.I un-doubtedly was very high on her list of men she thinks are nice looking too. It was Love at first sight for both. I have never felt this way about any other in my life and she says the same. We didnt want to leave each other that

Now you're off with someone else and i'm alone..see i thought that i might keep you for my own

I am sitting here with the window to my bed room open and a fersh fall breeze straight from a beautiful sun soaked day is blowing gently across my shoulders, almost like a tension relieving massage. My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces as I try to sort through the most honest, intense, real feeling , careful not to get to deep into relationship i have ever known, looks like is comming to an end.  It amazes me how powerful words are. It amazes me even more how silence from the one you love can be the most devistating thing you can ever hear. I have thought. I have prayed. I have come to a point of surrender. I can now implement my new way of thinking in hopes of maybe saving what is left of my soul.

I have come to the conclusion that emotions are not need in my life. Not the good nor the bad serve any purpose other than making a better person and wanting to help, or destroying me to the point I can no longer carry on my days without thinking constantly about how am i to carry on now. Or why did I allow myself to do that. I trusted again and again look at how I ended up. I DO NOT and WILL NOT allow myself to end up afraid to trust anyone. I refuse to walk around skeptical of everyone and everything. Now with that being said, what I have come to desire in my live now is to quit labeling experiences good and bad, and to just melt into and embrace what is. By doing this as i move through my life with an attitude of love about all things, I will be able to move through each experience with tremendous peace and with a smile on my face. No more getting caught up on one emotion for week and loosing and wasting precious time.  

I've got oil in my gasoline and smoke coming out my pipes

I have had enough of good and bad. especially when bad is the dominate. Or that is the way it seems. I am sure its probably the way I am looking at things and the way things seem to happen to me. Lol I swear nothing ever last for me. The things that do come that I have waited my entire life for will give me just enough for me to be oh so grateful for, to really appreciate what i have and to make my life so happy, joyous and free. For me to gain confidence in myself, for me to realize that even I get lucky sometimes and with this new addition to my life it will make it possible for me to accomplish anything. To Get a break. To know love to know happiness. to know what it takes and to be able to do it for once in my life. To think to myself "oh my God I did not know it was possible for a person to feel this good. I have not ever had any drug or anything else make me feel this Great".............Then,  in a blink of an eye, its all gone. And there I am once again....in total dis belief that it is over, Gone, No more just as it was getting started.
So I am setting my sites on a form of thinking that for some reason seems the only thing that will save my life. I do have such a strong will to live. I have survived with my body parts being strewn all over a hay field like the scarecrow on the wizard of oz when the flying monkeys attacked him and "they threw my legs over there and they threw my arm over there"...lol !!! then laying out there in 90 degree weather for 8 hours and not loosing conscience or bleeding to death.  To surviving horrible infections growing into gangrene which brought with it brain killing fevers of 106 and 107 for extended periods of time when I was packed down with garbage bags full of ice to try and break the fever.  To being put to sleep 56 times for surgeries to save my life. To receiving 118 units of blood over 3 month period that I had a horrible reaction to and went into hepatic shock which I do not recall any of the 3 days I was bat shit crazy out of my mind. To surviving all of this to heal and finally leave my 4 month hospital stay and to be fitted with a prosthetic leg that when I first put it on, what was left of my shin bone below the knee shot out the end of my stump sending me back to the hospital once again for more surgeries. To coming home so addicted to morphine at the ripe ole age of 15 that I would have done anything to get my hands on it. But turned to massive amounts of high alcohol content liquor and my uncles endless valium supply to get me through till I could con doctors out of writing scrips for the "less addictive" demerol.  To some how making it through mixing massive quantities of pills and liquor,  and so much more in the last 33 yrs it makes my head spin. The heartless and soul less people I was involved with as well as my own actions and behavior while there.  Every time I was in those places I would always think that "if I can only live through this, I know something better will be there for me". Everyone knows  the saying, the quote:  "When one door closes another door opens" well I'm stuck in the hallway and I can see and have saw several doors, but they are all locked.  I do want to live...I have a Great passion for life... I do want to live a good life and I have so much to offer. This is in my heart and soul...all I want Is to live the rest of my life with the woman I love. Living and loving our life and life in general. To continue to grow each day and give to each other and the world what we have accomplished together and as individuals. To lend a helping hand to others to just sit and listen if that's all that is required.  To be happy joyous and free. To let God guide us to where we are to be the most beneficial to each other and as well to others also.   Would Someone Please Tell Me What Is Wrong With Wanting That