Wow is all I can say for the past few days.  Shellie and I have been attending a lot of meetings lately. 5 days ago my front bridge broke when I fell so hard that it knocked all 3 front teeth on the bridge out! Dam! White hot pain seared through my face and out the top of my head like a hot poker!! Have been dealing with the pain with Ibuprofen  and doing surprisingly well controlling it. I guess the reason nothing would help my pain when I was using except hard narcotics is the fact I never tried anything else.. I do have an appointment with my buddy the dentist on Thursday to get started on the repairing of my mouth. Not looking forward to it at all. I hate dentist and the pain that they cause..I tell my friend that I think he gets some kind of enjoyment causing pain as a dentist. He just laughs and says " Yea and I cant wait to get you in the chair ole boy"....and now he gets to!!  He is aware of my history has known me all my life so I dont have to worry about talking him out of some pain pills that I cant take. My disease will no doubt be wide awake telling me this a time that is justified for me to get some legal dope.And yes it may very well be but my allergy has grown so sever to all narcotics that I know if I take just one I will not stop until I am back in rehab, locked up in jail or covered up in the cementary. I am just not ready to take that chance again right now.

Some days just not doing dope is as good as it gets. I am finding myself repeating this phrase way to much, especially in the last couple of months. Having another string of bad luck it seems....its just life on life's terms not mine. Not ready to crawl back into the blackness and feel the pity and defeat i just have crawled out of. I just want a life again...I do know this is not how I want to remain ..I want the wife the home the career again and I would prefer to be right smack dab in the middle of it right now. I have found, what I thought was something that was never to be found again, and that is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She shared the same thoughts with me and things looked great for this ole one legged  drug addict!  But....ah yes, the one word that crushes my very sole sometimes....BUT   I know this to shall pass. It shall pass and I wonder how much of me it will take with it..Perhaps that is the only way I give up......it has to be removed from my life instead of me choosing to let it go.....I know I feel much better when there is less resistance, I just never get to experience it anymore. I want to fix things because I believe things can be fixed,,, Hell, I might get lucky this time, Even the losers do sometime. I hear this gets better too.

Self centered? say it ain't so...HA!

Now that I have wallowed in my own slop and mire of self pity it might be a good idea to come up for air. Things are just like they were, still have no clue what to do next to find a bit of hope in this even if there is any to be found. Just simply have grown tired of the same old thing and have no energy nor interest in giving this any power today. What will be will surly be with or without any of my directions. I am not the only person on this planet....although that is exactly what makes me an addict and thankfully today a recovering addict who has not found it necessary to fill my veins full of something that will change the way I feel or looked to something outside myself to do the job either which is a miracle in itself.   Coming up on 2 years clean and sober and feeling like I have been on a run for the last month......They say things will get better.   

Where Do all the Dead People Go?: Murky Messengers

Where Do all the Dead People Go?: Murky Messengers

not much different today. Just questions of why. A lot of work and energy was put in on this, now it seems if it was all for nothing. I guess....just do not know much about anything anymore. So tired of being miserable so tired of fucking up everything that was good in my life. tired of making horrible memories. Really what I had planned was to make great memories. Something needs to change. I know its me.......but i just cant do it for some reason. My intentions were always good and things were going my way and for once it was also the right way, agreeable to all. Black cats everywhere crossing my path...Just wish I had some sort of reassurance any at all would help. Maybe There is none because there is none. how have I wound up here again??? i was born, I had a good childhood, I lost my leg in a farm accident at 15, I overcame that,,,I went on to make a ton of money with a career in construction,,,,I have had some of the most beautiful women in the world love me. I lost everything more than once to drug addiction. I married and was divorced 2 years later but not legally. I have had girlfriends half my age. I have had my heart broken into 10 million tiny pieces to the point of nervous breakdowns.......I have lost everything again and didnt care if I ever had a dime to my name again...I have layed awake for days at a time wondering what to do. I searched my soul to an un- imaginable depth when the only woman I ever loved up to that point left me for a woman while i was in rehab fighting daily for my life, I took drinks and cigarets to a woman that was in a recovery house for women and was there for her through broken hips, broken arms and other injuries she received while trying to learn to walk, I loved her to a point that I did not know existed on the love scale and found out how to love and love for real and to know without a doubt what I want in life from a partner only to take a sleeping pill one night loose my mind and say things about her she trusted me with.  but through all of this I never lost hope.....till now...God help me one more time...you have got to be getting pretty tired of me by now.

Next time I'll get it right, Just need 1.

back to that ole familiar pain that only an addict junkie hopeless shell of a human being like myself knows.I have known this part of the disease of addiction for far to many times and I do not want to feel it or feel anything right now..if using would help , i would be first in line today.I have seen some hard cold days but nothing compares to this self destruction that I am living now. Its like starving for that drink of cold water on a 100 degree day and spilling it on the ground after having a taste.I held and got to be held by the only thing on this earth that made life so wonderful. I only had the privilege of knowing this for way to short of a time. This really needs to keep going. Oh so many people would give any and everything they have just to know a glimpse of what I have shared. Oh my goodness I never knew this feeling existed., my twisted brain will someday stop ruling my heart that is good and full of love that needs so bad to give all it has.

Dont Stop thinking bout tomorrow

Well I am still alive.....haven't written an entry to this blog in a while. All the talk and worrying about  my girlfriend was not needed. She and I are together. She completed her in-patient recovery program last Wednesday. We have not been away from each other since. We both are in love very deeply, this has been a long time coming. We worked a little at this for over 7 months just letting what ever was going to happen...happen. I freaked out several times with thoughts of things not going to well and would spend alot of miserable times for nothing. My disease would have me and nothing but negative was all that it told me.


I am excited and looking forward to being in a relationship. I have learned the hard way what I want in life and my dreams and desires are also hers.  I am not going to spend a lot of time telling you about this and what it means to me. This is not what this blog is about. I have not found the secrete to the perfect relationship. I am learning daily what it is about because this is just where I am at in my journey. I do know that without recovery and everything in it, I would not be ready for this. Recovering from that seemingly hopeless state of mind is real and it does happen..

Gold Coast frieghter bound for cotton fields........

Wow cant believe whats going on or what went on at Penn State. And of all people Joe. He is one of the most respectable and well liked and respected all over the country. Sometimes I think the whole world is sick to some degree. It just shows that using drugs and alcohol were only symptoms of my disease. Something was twisted out of proportion long before I took that first drink or drug. I used chemicals some use sex, porno, emotions and small children apparently to stop the pain.  And Like when my girlfriend of nearly five yrs left me for a woman, it seems so confusing to me how people get to that point. Like the child molesters and suddenly deciding you want to be with the same sex in a relationship seems crazy as hell to me, I do suppose I who put gallons of dope over the years in my veins and gave and gave to my addiction must seem like I am crazy as hell to those people. Regardless, any addiction will take everything and ruin your world. The people that are laid to the side by us are harmed in a bad way also. And they just wanted to help........Thank God I am at least clean and sober today!

Dream On

well it seems as this old junkie has screwed up another relationship. Think I'll change the name of this blog to the relationships of a recovering addict..lol. I kinda knew it was just an illusion. after all she is an addict herself. I do feel for her. Never have i met anyone that was so disconnected from  reality than she. Also the only person I have ever met that could out lie me!!!  Some of the stories she told me were right out of a dr suss book and she would swear on everything that was even remotely holy that it was the truth.  I swear it was like listen to a recording of myself 2 yrs ago.lol  We got to spend the weekend together and it was great. we stayed busy and talked alot. I listened alot and found out how she really felt about me. She would look me dead in the eye and say "I love you" that was the first mistake. We addicts avoid eye contact for a reason....our eyes are indeed the windows to our soul and we usually show our insecuries in them. I'm not going to take her inventory, mine is quiet sick enough some days. I am going to miss playing her game. Yea I still love to play games too but they get very old very quick now,  and it was nice to hear her say all those sweet things on the phone and in text messages. She is just not ready to surrrender that one pain that she feels will consume her if she ever lets it have enough power to come up and out. Its stufffed so far down it gives her the illusion that its not gonna hurt anymore in fact its a survival tool she thinks.  You can bet it will come out and it will come as a resentment. I have been right there and know what it feels and looks like on the face of a desperate dying addict. I looked at it every day in the mirror for too many years. I'm going to keep praying for her, thats the only thing I can do. And I will miss her very much......

But its only Tylenol

This was more dangerous to my health and is what caused my liver damage. My doc says " you have done more damage with this one drug than you did with all the others you abused combined".... and its avaliable without a prescription at every store and corner market in America. And is also in most all drugs that are abused today. ..Just goes to show that anything associated with addiction has a potential hazard.

I've been thru diamonds I've been through minks

This is about a week now that i have been sick. The swelling in my good leg returned and literly split the skin open in places. It got infected even with all i was doing to prevent it. Went to DR. last Tuesday and got loaded up with antibiotics. It does look much better and seems to be healing. Just hurts like hell.  We had a discussion about the pain I was having with it. I can't even take over the counter stuff like advil and tylenol because of my screwed up liver. I was slipping an advil or two when it got really bad and did'nt see how it would harm anything. My liver functions jumped nearly a thousand points which was why he wanted to have the discussion. He said he was thinking about putting me on methadone for the pain control since my prognosis with this looks like several years yet to go and the pain is worse than ever. Never knew your liver could hurt so bad sometimes. I  do not want to be strung out on methadone!!! but I do not want to hurt. My liver cant handle any anti inflamatory drugs NSAID's. Says the benifit does not come close to the damage it would cause. And as addicted as I am to any opioid I agree with him not even considering those. I still remember my last dose very well and not willing to go back there today. At least with the methadone he can monitor my dose and when I am pain free I can be tapered off. Even though that is a hell of its own. I keep praying about it so I know the best will happen.

Send Lawyers Guns and money........

Scientist have located the part of an addicts brain that makes them crave dope. Check it out , click on the link below....



http://www.livescience.com/15053-reward-seeking-environment-link-addiction-craving.html

worry is lack of faith. And asking why I worry does nothing but make me worry more. Then the obsessive nature of my twisted addicted brain takes over. I sit and stare into nothing as if I was watching something remarkable or like I have just seen a Ghost. (been there already and seen my share) Not getting any better today but getting by.

Its been a lonesome day today for me. I have not been feeling well for the past couple of days and today was the worst. I was pretty much asleep all day. whenever I sat down I was out like a light. My girl has her children this week-end and other things to do so that turned out good because I didn't want to go anywhere tonight. Its days like these that always make me think about the damage I done to myself in active addiction. I have been checked out for all the major stuff and i am fine. I can never get an answer on how long it takes the human body to "settle" down after the dope is stopped, we are all different and what some seem to get over quickly or never have at all, some seem to stay sick or sick feeling for a very long time. I naturally belong to the last group. Its alot easier for me to count the days I feel pretty good......and it is possible that its part of my twisted self centeredness at work. Paying very close attention to every little ache and pain and nothing else till it is blown out of proportion. Probably why its so hard to diagnose us addicts.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the gales of November come crashing??

Humility,  Would love to hear what this principal means to you and how you implement it in your life.......Thanks, Jerry B.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Talk about things that nobody cares.....wearing out things that nobody wears

I just got home from my date with Nancy. Wow did we ever have a great time or what??? that was probally the best date I have ever been on even if you were to leave out the sex . We always do have a wonderful time with each other. I believe this one would work out. We have been dating close to a month now and every date out does the one before. I am very happy with her. I can be myself. For once in my life no drug is involved in this relationship. She is not in recovery and has not ever been. The only drug she has ever taken was pain meds  ie hydrocodone prescribed by her dentist. She ask me one night "have you ever taken any of those hydrocodiens? They make me feel like I am on another planet..lol"   "Yea babe,.... I  probally have taken several barrels full in my lifetime".    She got this puzzeled look on her face and said  " Y  what on earth for???  lol "  well its taken me 30 years to ask that same question to myselfand all i can come up with is i am a addict and thats what we do......oh ok.    And then on with the night we went. She is a super person. she is involved with her church helping other less fortunate people in the community.  who would have ever thought i of all people would be found to be a good man and very interested in getting to know me by someone like her??  It doesnt matter. I am so very thakful she does. My mother even likes her..lol

She had been born with a face that would let her get her way, he saw that face and he lost all control..

Live and let live or loose your mind worrying .Just because i think a certain way or choose to live my life a certain way does not mean anyone should follow. In fact you would be a hell of a lot better off if you don't follow me. I might really fuck someone up or more realistically you would fuck you own self up.  This is always a sore subject with me. I would go to meetings all over Memphis in the early 90s and would see some of the same people at each meeting I went to.  I was sick as dog physically and as empty on the inside as a human could possibly get. I was totally bankrupt spiritually and I attended meeting because that's where I got to feeling better. I would calm down listening to others share. There always was one person out of the group that would say something that would help me. Then that same person would be at the next meeting and would do it again on another topic. I got to looking forward to seeing that person at meetings because I knew that I was going to feel better. I had heard it said before not to put others on a pedestal that I was surely setting myself up for a let down. But what was it hurting by me taking what this addict said to heart? Well I found out that when early recovery like I was then that i would latch on to another in ways I should not and not even know I was doing it. It got to be where i looked for this addict to say what I needed to hear for me to stay clean that day or for me just to find a little hope that I wasn't going to die. And by doing this I would not be growing in recovery. I would forget or never know he is sick just like i am and is only another recovering addict. Yes he has many years of clean time and a very good recovery program that he works daily. But he will no doubt have a bad day here
and

All that you are feeling right now is silly human pride

Boy I have thoroughly beat the hell out of myself today. Been busy in my head and haven't done a dam thing but eat to much junk food and now I feel horrible. Every one I talked to or tried to talk to today was in the same boat as me. Oh and that fueled the twisters between my ears to get busy!!  I'm tied up in a hundred knots. mad as hell for allowing myself to get sucked in this nothingness yet again.  I would get tree top high if I thought it would help. Been here to many times and tried that to many times before. I cant find one reason not to use, so I'm not going to anyway. Maybe it'll piss this disease off. I would really like that alot!! 
Have thought about ways to make some money. Mine is pretty much depleted, so i really need for that to be my priority. Jobs here are all but non existent. I really want to stay here since i met her though. Plus the main reason I came back here was to be near my daughter and grand daughters and even the son-in-law,,,, well.. There is just not any dirt being moved around here. I am open to a career change and I need to really start looking hard at that......Man it is a bitch starting your life from scratch at the age of 47. Hell I had a lot better plan and hold on my future when I was 17 right out of high school than I do now.. I'm just gonna keep showing up for life everyday, do what is put in front of me to do and keep asking God to show me what I am suppose to do.... I wish I was just a little more confident in all this... Got to have faith... those words are so easy to tell someone else. Now I'm telling myself.
I really need to see my girl friend tonight. ...and she just called and needs to see me....that worked perfect!!  and I didnt have a hand in it anywhere. lol

I saw a young hawk flying and my soul began to rise I said next time we'll get it right!

Great day today. What I thought would be history by now has settled in. I have worked to keep my mouth shut and only concentrate on pushing the positive. Take responsibility for my part in this and actually do something beside setting with my head down when things do not go my way.Really look at the situation and see where there needs attention and what kind. Let the things that I know very little about alone. Pray ask for guidance and leave it alone till I feel I have the correct answer. The old me would be the first to call out with "you make me feel this way or that when you do this or that". I expected my needs and wants met. I was always ready to offer my kind jester or what ever but I had to recieve what I thought I should be getting first..And if it never came I was sure gonna let you now how bad you are to me and I do not deserve this..lol  My goodness how did I ever stay in a relationship long enough to ever concieve a child is above me. I sure as hell would not accept me and who I was.

Its all up to you but what ever you do Take it easy on me........

Well we rocked on the rest of the week, she called as she was taking her son to school and we would talk till she sat down at her desk 25 minutes later. She would call every second she had free and would make sure she had as many breaks as possible, rushing through her work. Lunch time was spent on the phone, I wanted to know everything that she was and she the same about me. The drive home was the same with the exception the main topic was where we were going to meet for what little time she had. Wednesday came and didnt hear from her till later on in the morning I could tell something was wrong. We were texting now. we met that night and she informed about her situation. Now, This is one of the Rich higher class ladies we all know about and have seen. She explains since her seperation with her husband, she is married still, That she has not had any money to spare. She has to rely on him to pay rent and alot of other things. Oh yea He is still crazy in love with her and wants her back home. He is also inlove with his ex wife, the reason they are seperated and my lady moved out,,,,....She is forced to barely get by and its taking its toll on her. She is faced with the decission to either go back home to man she doesnt love or just not make it.   Enter me..lol   I was suppose to be her saving grace. With the money to help her get out and stay out. Get divorced, something that he will have no part of because he wants her back.  So she is a miserable lady, Absolutely refuses to humble herself and live like she should.  She and I had a great night Friday. Stayed together here alone with no distractions... She said then she was in love with me......Sunday she comes and I introduce her to my family...Monday I am with here all night....Another great one...Tuesday is good till she gets home...has no food....takes her son to his dads.....calls me and is worried because I havnt called......then starts with an attitude of a bitch when I avoid commenting on her money situation.....I offer to buy her groceries so at least they can eat........she said no, sheis no charity case......says i preach and lecture her.....I am telling the truth to her.......dont hear from her for a while and i text her and ask what did i do to make her mad........she says she is not mad, just down.......I offer to listen to her ,,,,,,she says she does not need comforting......I know she needs money. I have none. I want to help. I cant do a dam thing but sit here and watch the one that I have waited for my entire life get away just because of money.....She has to have it to live we all do. If I had it I would give it too her in a second, I think of all the tens of thousands I threw away on dope and gave to strippers.....she has stayed with me as long as love will let her.....now she is forced to get money for her on survival.   I have never been in this situation before. I have no clue what to do I am barely making it. I know she was reling on me to be her rock i do believe that with all i am.....I wonder if anyone knows just how painful and devestating it is to have to watch the most beautiful and attention giving loveable woman i have waited for all my life have to go through this pain. Then walk away and out of my life forever........how much more can i take??  I knew there was a reason I had chose to learn how not to feel........I just wish it would have worked.

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Do you remember when we use to sing sh la la la la la la la la te la de da

Yesterday was the first full day of me letting things be. Not adding any of my feelings to anything. Meet my latest addiction in Jackson.  She called freeking out like the sky had just fallen on her and I was the only one that could get her out. So I received about 30 calls in a 40 minute ride. All of which were directed at me not being there yet. LOL  Got ta love these drama queens. I hope she never finds out about this blog and reads it....lol   well we wont be together long anyway. I am sure I can keep her unaware of it. Anyway while I'm on the subject. let me introduce her. She is a very beautiful lady. In fact she is my dream girl. Ever since I have been interested in girls, which started for me around the age of 5 or 6, the image of the girl in my dreams has been the same. On Friday the 23 rd day of September 2011 at about 6:30 p.m. in the parking lot of the McDonalds in Trenton TN.  I came eye to eye with the girl I have dreamed of all my life. I really do not know what either one of us said for the first 30 minutes but we have not quit talking since.I un-doubtedly was very high on her list of men she thinks are nice looking too. It was Love at first sight for both. I have never felt this way about any other in my life and she says the same. We didnt want to leave each other that

Now you're off with someone else and i'm alone..see i thought that i might keep you for my own

I am sitting here with the window to my bed room open and a fersh fall breeze straight from a beautiful sun soaked day is blowing gently across my shoulders, almost like a tension relieving massage. My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces as I try to sort through the most honest, intense, real feeling , careful not to get to deep into relationship i have ever known, looks like is comming to an end.  It amazes me how powerful words are. It amazes me even more how silence from the one you love can be the most devistating thing you can ever hear. I have thought. I have prayed. I have come to a point of surrender. I can now implement my new way of thinking in hopes of maybe saving what is left of my soul.

I have come to the conclusion that emotions are not need in my life. Not the good nor the bad serve any purpose other than making a better person and wanting to help, or destroying me to the point I can no longer carry on my days without thinking constantly about how am i to carry on now. Or why did I allow myself to do that. I trusted again and again look at how I ended up. I DO NOT and WILL NOT allow myself to end up afraid to trust anyone. I refuse to walk around skeptical of everyone and everything. Now with that being said, what I have come to desire in my live now is to quit labeling experiences good and bad, and to just melt into and embrace what is. By doing this as i move through my life with an attitude of love about all things, I will be able to move through each experience with tremendous peace and with a smile on my face. No more getting caught up on one emotion for week and loosing and wasting precious time.  

I've got oil in my gasoline and smoke coming out my pipes

I have had enough of good and bad. especially when bad is the dominate. Or that is the way it seems. I am sure its probably the way I am looking at things and the way things seem to happen to me. Lol I swear nothing ever last for me. The things that do come that I have waited my entire life for will give me just enough for me to be oh so grateful for, to really appreciate what i have and to make my life so happy, joyous and free. For me to gain confidence in myself, for me to realize that even I get lucky sometimes and with this new addition to my life it will make it possible for me to accomplish anything. To Get a break. To know love to know happiness. to know what it takes and to be able to do it for once in my life. To think to myself "oh my God I did not know it was possible for a person to feel this good. I have not ever had any drug or anything else make me feel this Great".............Then,  in a blink of an eye, its all gone. And there I am once again....in total dis belief that it is over, Gone, No more just as it was getting started.
So I am setting my sites on a form of thinking that for some reason seems the only thing that will save my life. I do have such a strong will to live. I have survived with my body parts being strewn all over a hay field like the scarecrow on the wizard of oz when the flying monkeys attacked him and "they threw my legs over there and they threw my arm over there"...lol !!! then laying out there in 90 degree weather for 8 hours and not loosing conscience or bleeding to death.  To surviving horrible infections growing into gangrene which brought with it brain killing fevers of 106 and 107 for extended periods of time when I was packed down with garbage bags full of ice to try and break the fever.  To being put to sleep 56 times for surgeries to save my life. To receiving 118 units of blood over 3 month period that I had a horrible reaction to and went into hepatic shock which I do not recall any of the 3 days I was bat shit crazy out of my mind. To surviving all of this to heal and finally leave my 4 month hospital stay and to be fitted with a prosthetic leg that when I first put it on, what was left of my shin bone below the knee shot out the end of my stump sending me back to the hospital once again for more surgeries. To coming home so addicted to morphine at the ripe ole age of 15 that I would have done anything to get my hands on it. But turned to massive amounts of high alcohol content liquor and my uncles endless valium supply to get me through till I could con doctors out of writing scrips for the "less addictive" demerol.  To some how making it through mixing massive quantities of pills and liquor,  and so much more in the last 33 yrs it makes my head spin. The heartless and soul less people I was involved with as well as my own actions and behavior while there.  Every time I was in those places I would always think that "if I can only live through this, I know something better will be there for me". Everyone knows  the saying, the quote:  "When one door closes another door opens" well I'm stuck in the hallway and I can see and have saw several doors, but they are all locked.  I do want to live...I have a Great passion for life... I do want to live a good life and I have so much to offer. This is in my heart and soul...all I want Is to live the rest of my life with the woman I love. Living and loving our life and life in general. To continue to grow each day and give to each other and the world what we have accomplished together and as individuals. To lend a helping hand to others to just sit and listen if that's all that is required.  To be happy joyous and free. To let God guide us to where we are to be the most beneficial to each other and as well to others also.   Would Someone Please Tell Me What Is Wrong With Wanting That

Somebody tell the truth

Boy have I gotten myself in a mess. I swear when this one is over I am through with relationships and chasing women for good.  I am a addict to the bone. I do not have the first clue about how to have a relationship. I believe in the all or nothing thing from day one. You are suppose to madly in heat and stay that way for as long as possible. As soon as it starts to fade, withdraw into that comfortable rut and ride it out till they leave. Which for me it is an average of 4 .3 years. Walk around with your head down , move back home to the house you grew up in, that's just a way of making "living with your mother" not sting so bad when you say it. Drive yourself mad by obsessing on the good times you had with her back when you were both in heat. Never go to bed, sleep in the chair at the computer. Ah yes ....the computer. Your new wonderland of loose women pretending to be what they wish they were.  They appeal to you however. The pictures they post of the gorgeous ladies in nice clothing and very nice bodies are just what the doctor ordered for you to get over your broken heart. But instead you obsess to the point of having a nervous breakdown about how they are not the one that just left. You are getting older and you were lucky as hell that the last one you had was into or liked older men. It took you perhaps your entire life to find such a perfect woman for you and you can only imagine

Go cart mozart was checking out the weather charts seeing if it was safe outside

Want to know how to make God laugh?......Make plans. Have not had a chance to have anymore rounds with this gut slinger. It seems I just don't give a dam about it anymore. Its not worth even risking the che chance that i might find it in my twisted mind a reason to use.   There will no doubt be plenty more situations that will seem hopeless at first that God will have to help me through them also.

Sometime I think that the truly sickest people are the ones that appear the sainest. I have seen beautiful drop dead georgous women, so perfect in every way at first.  They always have a smile on their face, the go out of their to help others, they are polite, seem highly intelegent, a great career and plenty of everything. Then find them an hour or so after work crying because they are so miserable that their life will never change. They feel somehow doomed or sentenced to this life of misery. This is of course all on the inside. When you do get them to talk and actually tell whats going on, the most strangest things seem to come out of their mouth. Its all about how their circumstances will never change. You can share what you hear in recovery very descreetly of course with them and no matter how positive they always will disagree and say they are indeed doomed.    This is closed mindedness  and self reliance at its best. I just pray (for one in particular) That they will start to take suggestions and realize that a job making 12 an hour is much better than none. That at the end of bill paying they have 20 dollars left and it is 20 times better than none. However some will turn to what I did to stop the pain only to find more.  Surrender could save alot of un-necessary pain. Its that simple.

And the 3 men I admire most; The Father, Son and The Holy Ghost

Friendship often ends in love; but love ending in friendship - Never. Oh how I wish it could. Things could get alot better alot faster. Round 3 was pretty event free. For me it was only a war in my head. nevr manifested pass my twisted thoughts of how I still can't accept the past as it is. Why I feel so desperate to fix things that another person did to me?  Watch every word that comes out of my mouth. In fear that they will take something wrong and be gone. To feel as if they are just barely hanging on in the first place. And that they were the one that initiated this and contacted me?   LOL  Spoken just like the good addict I am. No wonder I doped all the time!!  I sure cannot make this horse drink thats for sure. I beleive its not thirsty to begin with. But the last thing on earth I want to see is it turn and run and all all can do is watch.

The only difference that I see is you are exactly the same as you used to be

Well it started.Round 1 and I'm not to beat up at all. Just a little bruised and thats just ego. .....you know ego....its the same as fat. You loose some and gain some and usually more of it than you had to start with. It never totally leaves just expands and constricts. I did even get to experience on of the most honest puriest moments I ever have in my life. I was told by this person that they were proud of me......Tears and a smile filled my face at the same time as a barrel full of joy wased over me from head to toe....man I love those recovery rushes!!!It could have been such a mutual thing too but the other partie is damaged. To what extent I dont know but I will before this is over, as well as find out where my recovery is lacking the most. Want to share this...I prayed to God , talked to God as if he were sitting in the chair next to me about this. I told him how I felt I was ready. Then it happens. I get my prayer answered and I forgot to be more specific. I got what I wanted with all my heart and soul, its just not in the same condition as it once was. And for the first time ever it need s me, Though right now that is not eveen a thought for the other involved. I am only doing this because I want to be free from the insanity. My intentions I stated last post. Something has to change in the way I have been

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy, the man did he look pretty ill.

Well I see it coming, no not a relapse something else with powerful emotions attached. I am an emotional cripple but I cant run from it and do not know why. I know I will come out with my guts in a basket, yet I am not afraid to go through it. I am just tired of running and dodging it, going out of my way to avoid it and yet nothing ever changes. When its printed out on this screen it does warrant something else, some other type action, some other thoughts. Sometimes I think my heart is to big. My serenity is being affected by this to much. Its time to do something different. I have to come to accept this. amd this is the way it is. I can removemyself but I am always found. I do not have the heart to be mean. I do not want to hurt and I do not want to hurt someone else. In the middle of recovery is a hell of a place to be with those thoughts.  This will all make sense befor I stop completely.

How long to the point of no return

Its 2:53 in the morning. I should be asleep or at the very least sleepy...Was up most of the night last night with my back hurting... Pulled a muscle on my left side and it only hurts when I blink. Have had so much on my mind the past few days.   I am wanting to get on with my life.  Not worried about getting anything back or things being like they were before...I do not want things like before!!!  Who in there right mind would want that hell....No , I'm ready to get on wiyh a new life. One that I dont have a clue what to do. One that I will have to let my higher power do the navagation. And I suppose I will get when he is ready,,,, No when he desides that I am ready to handle it.  I have been trying since 1993 for some of these sayings in recovery to make sence to me and for me to want to apply them in my life. I do have a few that I live by today ,,they are that important to me...not just nice things to say at meetings so everyone would like me and be in awe about my recovery....It took me along time to recoginize those people didnt come to that meeting and single me out as there way to recovery.  My ego is about 1000 times bigger than it should be. You should have seen the size of it when I first started coming around these rooms!!!  LOL  Yes it was quiet a shock when I found out that what I thought was words of wisdom that you needed to here coming out of my mouth was a desperate dying addict crying for help......and the people around those tables didnt care what i was saying , they were just glad I showed up...They loved me till i could love myself.....then they told me to shut the hell up and listen!!!   No that came long before I was able to love myself let me tell ya. The people in these rooms taught me how to live my life without drugs, to open my mind to the chance that there might be a power greater than me...and even though I could not see it, it was there and had the power to remove the obsession to use drugs from me. God as I understand him got me clean and keeps me clean on a daily basis...The people in these rooms all over the world teach me how to carry on and live my life when I am clean, without my veins full of dope... and to remind me that I only have a daily repreve from the insanity of addiction. I am constantly only one fix, drink, pill away from the blackness and nothingness of active addiction......to offer free what was so freely given to me to the newcomer and the addict that still suffers....I have gained that attitude of gratitude that will keep any addict from useing just for today... I love and I am grateful for this fellowship, this program and my higher power whom i choose to call God...not necessarily in that order and if no one has not told you today that they love you, I do, I love you too.

No Body told me there would be days like these..strange days indeed

First of all I want to apologize for what follows.  I am in recovery to find a way to live without drugs and to have peace. This is driving me mad.  I am grateful for you all who listen.
I know what the old me would do about this ....the new me is lost. That's where sponsor's and others that have had experience with this come into play. I myself, was once called upon by sponcees who were always in the middle of some major crisis, things were new and just not going the way they would like them to. I could advise them and done well as they are still clean today. However, being in recovery 15 months clean from my last relapse, I have trust issues with myself and therefore do not have a clue what to do....Now the part for concern is that I feel so normal thinking as I did in active addiction and that is what scares me. I will continue to pray for willingness to share this with the others or the willingness to become willing.
   The only woman That I have ever loved in my life, the one that left me for a woman for those of you who are not familiar. Has made it plan that she is single again. She contacted me very vaguely on face book. We talked briefly. Before it was over I told her how much I missed her. Her response was really? I left it alone right there. It has not been but a little over 3 months that she contacted me and wanted me back. I agreed and that's when......oh hell!!!...if you are interested in this click the link to my old blog...I am just repeating myself and frankly its quiet sickening to me to relive that shit again.
  I know the old me would go after her with every feeling I had on my sleeve, expecting a grand reconciliation of our differences...just sitting myself up for a disaster so I would have an excuse to get brain dead high. I still love this woman like I did when we first met. I never stopped during our 4 plus years together.She was the one that i was to spend the rest of my life with and we had made all the plans for that.  I can not find one reason why I should stop this........They pain she put me through there has got to be a reason why I should leave her be. There is none. Its like I am suppose to be with her.   Now , enter the new me.  Due to the pain...Let her be. Stay away. Pray about it and then give it to God.....I have stayed out of relationships for 15 months this time and have been doing nothing but working on me and my relationship with my higher power. I have done what was suggested and I work daily to the best of my ability to learn a new sane way of living. I have not used even when I could not find a reason not to. I must be doing something right.

This is my first post . I explained all about how and why I ended up here earlier in my page titled My Introduction. Is the tab right up there by the Home Tab, Just click on it and it should bring you up to this point. I am posting a link to my previous blog I have located at my web website. Click This and you can access the entire blog. It is also posted in the My Introduction page for ease of access.

I have just returned from seeing my no.1 lady. She had to see a psychologist today as part of her requirements to receive disability. For those who dont know she lost her right leg to a blood clotting disorder after having a car wreck. They removed several clots from her legs and even one that was already in her Superior Vena Cava Artery very very close to entering her heart. I think sometimes that the wreck, although she was cracked up out of her mind, very well could have saved her life. No doctor will offically go on the record and agree with me though, Its a matter of science to them and guardian angels do not exsist, on the record. Any way she is cut up from the surgeries. Scared from stomach to chest where they cut her. But she is an amazingly beautiful woman. I see no scars when I look at her. She however thinks she is hideous. The shrink told her what I have told ..any man that loves her will not see scars on beauty. She told him that she new no man would ever want her like this, Thats when I realized that she doesn't feel the same as me when it comes to us. It is a shame how that works. lots of people have others that would do anything for them and love them like they probally never been loved before...but it is one sided.  If the attraction is not there its not there and the best you can hope for is a fairy Tale.....But they do happen. I have helped her alot. make sure she has what she needs while she is in the recovery house. I am not going to stop, I do it because I love her not because she loves me. She is very apprechiative and hugs me and tells me she loves me but its not the kind of love i wish for. And she definitely knows how I feel cause i let her know every time we are together....lol,  Oh well who knows...stay tuned ya might get to see a fairy tale come true..
Will post more tonight........